Movie Review: Child's Play 3

Child's Play 3
Directed by Jack Bender
90 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
Recently this was played back to back with Child's Play 2 on Showtime HD, thanks to my favorite fat horror geek program director who every once in a while sneaks in gems (debatable) that have never before been seen in HD, and will likely never come out on Blu-ray. I know I say this a lot, but it bears repeating: Thank you, fat man. Yes, even for Child's Play 3, an undeniably shitty movie.

Why Does This Movie Suck So Many Cocks
As I said in my Child's Play 2 review, Chucky only works when Andy is a little kid, and the size of Chucky. In this one, Andy is fucking sixteen years old. How is Chucky scary if you're sixteen? Fucking punt him into a fire. The end.

Apparently the filmmakers realized this problem, and to compensate for the fact that any sixteen year old worth a damn could destroy Chucky before the opening credits finished rolling, they decided to write and cast the faggiest, weakest, pussiest fucking sixteen year old character ever. I swear to god this kid makes Jason Lively look like Dolph Lundgren.

I don't give a fuck, there's no way I'm buying Andy growing up to be a pussy. After his experiences, he should be a badass by sixteen. He'd totally fucking run away from an orphanage and grow into a tough motherfucking street kid fighting other street kids for food and shit. That's how you start the fucking movie, showing Andy at sixteen beating some other kid's face in for money, and loving every second of it. He's turned into a sadistic monster from fighting in the street half his damn life. Then later you have him stumble on a newspaper with an article about some kid having some experience with a Chucky doll like he had as a youth, and you have Andy travel to the kid's house, sneak in the attic, and start living there to protect the kid from the doll. He'll like befriend the kid, but the kid can't tell his parents, and the kid and Alex work together to fucking defeat Chucky. It'd be like Bad Ronald meets Hider in the House meets the previous Chucky movies. That's how you do a fucking third film. Obviously, the writer didn't think of that great concept though. He even admits he was out of ideas when he wrote Child's Play 3. It's really quite the piece of shit movie. Now let's break it down shit by shit.

What Cocks Does This Movie Suck
- Alright, so the plot is we have tofu-boned sixteen year old Andy joining a military academy, and Chucky mailing himself to the military academy to try THE EXACT SAME PLAN HE HAD IN CHILD'S PLAY 2 THAT DIDN'T WORK. Seriously, I don't mean 'oh, it coulda worked in Child's Play 2 but he got stopped before he could do it' I mean he ATTEMPTED THE VOODOO TO GET BACK INTO ANDY'S BODY BUT THE VOODOO SPELL DIDN'T WORK. THE PLAN WAS SHIT.

- This is also pretty much an incredibly formulaic teen military academy movie with Chucky stuck in. Most of the scenes involve the academy, and all the academy stereotypes interacting and doing shit. I have a hunch the writer just picked up a script that was bouncing around and stuck Chucky in it and some death scenes.

- The little black kid comic relief is annoying.

- Death scenes are fucking lame as hell.

I can't even talk about this shit anymore. There's a thin line between so bad it's good, and so bad it's bad. This is so bad it's bad. I LOVE so bad it's good. I'll watch a so bad it's good movie any day, but this just ain't it. This is an objectively shitty movie.

What Is Good In It If Anything
- The creepy ped barber is a nice touch. I love creepy ped characters in shit.

- Chucky's death is pretty cool, but not nearly as good as in the second or first movies.

That's all.

What Did I Learn From This Movie

- Chucky's a fucking idiot. Seriously, the SAME EXACT VOODOO PLAN THAT DIDN'T WORK.

- At military academy, you are allowed to fire a rifle with no training whatsoever.

- You can put a special paintball bullet into a regular gun to make the gun a paintball gun.

- Military academies have no guards whatsoever. You can seriously escape as easy as walking off campus to the amusement park 100 yards away.

- Black kids aren't scared of walking, talking dolls who curse and brandish knives like white kids are. Black kids will try to befriend them even.

- A ped barber can die and nobody gives a fuck or has a police investigation or whatever.

What Else

Don't see this fucking movie. It sucks cock. It only gets a star beacuse of the ped barber. I love creepy ped characters on the sidelines in movies. They always rule.