My Top 10 Films of 2009

1. Inglourious Basterds
2. The Hurt Locker
3. Watchmen
4. Fantastic Mr. Fox
5. Drag Me To Hell
6. Whatever Works
7. Michael Jackson's This is It
8. Funny People
9. Observe & Report
10. The Hangover

Women into Pumpkins

Women into Pumpkins
by Cody Clarke

They can get built up so big
in pictures or in your head
but they're all just pumpkins

and the moment you realize that
in the heat of things
it hits you like an empty sandwich

You can carve a perfect hole
with your glistening hard knife
dreaming of pumpkin pie

but when you reach in it's always
guts and stench
no matter the face you carve

Whether love is there or isn't
was there or moved away
candles live to burn out

and every year you're stuck
with a squash to dispose
and a loud trash truck
dragging her away

Really Good Smut is back!

Just a note that the world-famous erotica blog I contribute to, Really Good Smut, is back from hiatus. Please subscribe and read!

http://reallygoodsmut.blogspot.com

MOVIE REVIEW: Castle Freak

Castle Freak (1995)

Dir. by Stuart Gordon
95 min.



Stuart Gordon is the only horror director that can make me cringe. I've done so during every movie of his I've seen. As far as I'm concerned, he's the most underrated dude still doing it, and his work in the last few years is the best he's ever done.

Though I didn't cringe as much as during Stuck (2007), Castle Freak is definitely his most gruesome film to date. It's unrated, and if it were to be rated by the MPAA, would no doubt receive an NC-17.

Gordon always pushes the envelope with his images, toying with his audience. He holds on the gore when you expect he might cut away from it, he cuts when you expect he might hold. In addition to that, he paints his horrific images with a very fine brush. Though the horrific acts may be similar to other films (after all, there are only so many horror situations in the world) his gore always looks different from anyone else, which is a great lesson for anyone looking to get into making horror. It's a crucial way to stray from the pack.

The only thing preventing me from giving this five stars is that the script could have been way more interesting. They had all the pieces of a compelling story there, but it didn't really gel together cohesively. That said, I adore every other aspect of this movie, and highly recommend it. It's one of his best, and at $5.99 new on Amazon.com, it's a must own.

Big Ball of Twine

Big Ball of Twine
by Cody Clarke

In this world

a big ball of twine

on green grass

warmed by white sun

is actually under a cement roof

hardly sphere at all

and smelly

The World’s Largest Ball of Twine

is a disappointment

Watching you stare at it

sipping your diet soda

having your great ass

I wish I could kiss

every tiny golden hair

on your skin

individually

and later I treat you like

the Jolly Green Giant

of hotel beds

scaling your body with my tongue

worshiping you as a false idol

You’re five foot one

sunburned
and undernourished

but you wear the road

beautifully

Let’s never go home

Top 20 Favorite Films Since 1992 (Final List)

Here's my final list. This is definitive. It will be on my gravestone, along with your mom's phone number:

Top 20 Favorite Films Since 1992

01. Groundhog Day (1993)
02. Buffalo '66 (1998)
03. Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and Spring (2003)
04. Rushmore (1998)
05. Unbreakable (2000)
06. Dogville (2003)
07. Magnolia (1999)
08. The Big Lebowski (1998)
09. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
10. Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2 (2003, 2004)
11. The Sixth Sense (1999)
12. The Wrestler (2008)
13. Superbad (2007)
14. Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (1999)
15. Fall (1997)
16. The Hurt Locker (2008)
17. 3-Iron (2004)
18. Grosse Pointe Blank (1997)
19. Office Space (1999)
20. Team America (2004)

Three honorable mentions:

21. Tony Takitani (2004)
22. The Dreamers (2003)
23. Sweet & Lowdown (1999)

The end! I love you all.

xoxo
Britney Spears

MUSIC REVIEW: Kiss - Sonic Boom

KISS - Sonic Boom
by Cody Clarke

KISS has had some seriously bad album covers. In a career spanning 35 years and counting, they've had only four that are attractive: Kiss, Destroyer, Love Gun, and Alive. Each of those covers are gorgeous, and not just in comparison to the ugly ones. They are iconic, and capture the spirit of the band perfectly.

Excluding their work between '74 and '77, every bad album cover KISS has put out has had equally bad music accompanying it. Though there are a few diamond in the rough songs that serve as exceptions to the rule (such as I Was Made For Lovin' You and Crazy Crazy Nights) for the most part the rule is solid, and only proven more so with KISS' latest release, Sonic Boom.

If the songs on this album represent KISS' definition of a sonic boom, I have reason to believe that they are deaf and pulling a Hollywood Ending-esque bluff. You couldn't create blander rock if you programmed a robot to do it for you. The only positive thing I can say is that Simmons' and Stanley's voices are still strong, no doubt due to the lack of booze and drugs throughout their career.

Stick to singing the classics that everybody loves. Who knows how much longer your voices will still be worth a damn? You wouldn't sing garbage from The Elder on your new tour, so don't waste your gift with this either.

Top 20 Favorite Films since 1992 (Ongoing)

Inspired by the video in which Tarantino lists his 20 favorite films since 1992, I'm attempting to do the same. He chose the year based on it being when Reservoir Dogs came out, but I've realized the year serves as a good cut-off point for me as well, since the majority of my favorite films actually predate the year. With this list, I'll be able to give love to a lot of films that wouldn't have made even a 1972 cut-off list (let alone an all-time one) despite being phenomenal in their own right.

This might take a few weeks to be done. I won't make another entry about it until it is. Though Tarantino didn't list his in order of preference, I'm doing so with mine. It makes it a lot easier for me to determine whether something belongs on it or not. Here's where I'm at right now:

Top 20 Favorite Films since 1992

01. Groundhog Day (1993)
02. Buffalo '66 (1998)
03. Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and Spring (2003)
04. Rushmore (1998)
05. Unbreakable (2000)
06. Dogville (2003)
07. Magnolia (1999)
08. The Big Lebowski (1998)
09. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
10. Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2 (2003, 2004)
11. The Wrestler (2008)
12. Superbad (2007)
13. Office Space (1999)
14. The Hurt Locker (2008)
15. Fall (1997)
16. 3-Iron (2004)
17. Grosse Pointe Blank (1997)
18. Team America (2004)
19. Tony Takitani (2004)
20. The Dreamers (2003)

Honorable Mentions:
These were on the list, but then got bumped off by another film.
- Sweet & Lowdown (1999)

I Drive My Car for God

I Drive My Car for God
by Cody Clarke

All the time, every day
through boring, busy cities
or on endless highways
I drive my car for God
I clean up for him

I'm a street sweeper
the machine, not the job
there is no choice
behind my actions
just whirring

and all the lives
that I deliver unto him
are like carrots
when they crunch
and they squish

Important Announcement

I have just received word that apparently, I am considered a 'developing nation':



Have I really been getting that fat? I rely on you, my fans, to straightforwardly and honestly tell me, as insultingly as possible, when I've gained even a slight amount of weight, so that such a problem can be remedied immediately. You have dropped the ball. I blame you in full.

This photo rules.

lighting
Originally uploaded by francography

This photo rules. That's all I have to say.

~~~o

Every single one of us was a sperm once

but in the internet age with porn

sperm fertilizing eggs is rarer than ever

we are a dying breed

SEND THIS ALONG TO 15 PEOPLE OR YOUR TRUE LOVE WILL BE JERKED OFF ONTO THE FLOOR AND YOU'LL NEVER MEET HER/HIM

Pain by Cody Clarke

Pain
by Cody Clarke

Sometimes you stomp into me suddenly
slam the door
and collapse onto my stomach
to cry your eyes out

so I slump in my chair
or wherever I am
waiting
until you can stand

inheriting the pain
too big for your body
wherever you are now
in this world

Mickey Mouse by Cody Clarke

Mickey Mouse
by Cody Clarke

He occupied two seats of the subway
his ass crack resting right on the split between them
and defended the territory
of the three empty and adjacent seats
against all trying occupants
with a
You can’t sit there
and the timbre of a science teacher
on the impossibility of time travel

His feet were moldy loaves of bread
his legs I forget
and his shirt was Mickey Mouse
large and proud
partially obscured by the cardboard sign
our man wore with string
like librarian glasses
stating simply and in Sharpie
that he loved New York
in words I also forget

I only saw him for the duration of one stop
and he kept quiet except for one burp
that was sort of loud
and then as we entered the station
he got up and waited at the doors
and as they opened he laid a fart
like a bass drum distorted beyond recognition
by a Japanese noise artist
and placed on limited vinyl
to be sold to indie kids
for the price of their allowance

and the man next to me whimpered
and clutched his newly bloody chest
because the fart had had a bullet in it
and the man died before the next stop

Everyone in the subway car went to the funeral
and we all stayed in contact after
and learned sign language together at the YMCA
and helped each other further with it on weekends

and my life is better now and we’re all happier as people

Floors by Cody Clarke

Floors
by Cody Clarke

High School kids
The freaks, the hipsters
the whatever-they’re-called-now

These kids sit on floors
at concerts
on subways
in the halls
in the street
outside venues

You know this and I know this
and I do not know when this originally started

Probably not as far back as greasers
because although greasers were greasy
I can’t see greasers
huddled around each other
like some sort of 2001: A Space Odyssey
reenactment troupe

but I can see hippies and beatniks doing it
and so for the sake of this poem
we will assume that is where it originates

This poem is not about lineage though
This poem is about the subconscious

Yes, they are doing it because their friends do it
Such is obvious
but deeper than that
deeper than what they realize

Floors equal germs
germs equal colds
colds equal absences

I submit that on a subconscious level
those-who-dress-as-though
-they-would-like-to-be-beat-up
sit on floors
in order to

increase their chance of contracting illness

and thus
decrease the days they have to attend school

This is probably why they do
a lot of other stupid stuff too
with their bodies

but I will not pursue this study further

this is not a subject that interests me enough
to write more stanzas
and list more instances supporting my hypothesis

I just thought it was an interesting thought
maybe not enough for an experiment
or an essay
but enough for poetry
or a haiku:

Kids willingly sit
on ground fit for no ass
School is a prison

John Cusack by Cody Clarke

John Cusack
by Cody Clarke

When I was nine years old
I saw Grosse Pointe Blank in the movie theater

and it was my favorite movie
and I thought Martin Blank was really cool

so in class
I'd draw John Cusack all the time
in his hitman clothes fighting bad guys

I'm pretty sure
I was the only nine-year-old doing that
in the entire world
and that made me feel special

even more special
than getting to see this R-rated movie
and not have my eyes covered by a parent
since my sister took me

because I had my own special hero
not a Rambo or an Arnold
but a secret hero

John Cusack

and in the 80's
girls drew him in class just like I did
but for other reasons

They didn't love him like I did

They just wanted to kiss his face
and fuck him in a foggy car
which is stupid

he has killing to do
and that's better than sex
when you're a boy that age

because sex you don't wanna draw in class
because then you get hard
and you don't want that
because even if you were old enough
to be able to do something about it
you couldn't in that setting

but killing is great for drawing in class
because it's just as fun as drawing sex
but without the getting hard part

but it's different for girls
because they can get turned on covertly
so drawing killing has no purpose
since they can draw sex freely

They'd like drawing killing too probably
if they had dicks
and couldn't get turned on covertly

and if that were the case
they'd take John Cusack from me in 1997 for sure
and he wouldn't be my obscure secret hero

and then they'd draw him killing every bad person or thing
as well as draw him kissing them
and fucking them in foggy cars

but it'd be worth losing him
because the popularity for that movie would be higher
which would earn it the sequel
it had always deserved

Water by Cody Clarke

Water
by Cody Clarke

Water doesn't just come from nowhere
That percent you carry
depending on how fat you are

When you were formed in your mother
it came from your mother

and then eventually
I don't know when
but I guess when you're older
(I don't know exactly how long it takes)
all of it has been replaced by new water
from drinking new water

That's something

That's an event
even more interesting than a birthday
even if it can't be precisely measured
only approximately calculated

How does water deep inside you leave though

What makes your gooey organs get less gooey and wet
and need new water
and receive new water

What's the process

Or does it never need new water
Is the water that makes your organs gooey
the same water that's always been in you

It can't be
that's too crazy

I remember going over digestion in school
but I don't remember how water gets distributed
after it gets drank

Your stomach is probably in charge of it
Your stomach does a lot

I don't want to use Google
I'm just gonna give the credit to the stomach
because it deserves it

and if I'm right
the poem is non-fiction
and if I'm wrong
the poem is fiction

Aguirre, the Wrath of God: HIATUS

I'm not gonna finish the Aguirre the Wrath of God analysis I started on this blog. I know I'm not going to. There's too much I'd like to write about each scene, and it'd turn this blog into solely me doing so. There's no way to write about that movie in short, readable bursts. Well, maybe there is, but I don't know how to. I tried to when it came to the first scene, but there was so much more I wanted to write.

Anyway, maybe one day I'll come back to it and work on it. Not on this blog though. I'm having a much better time just writing poems and posting updates here or there.

Speaking of poetry, I'm working on a poetry book! It's 21 pages so far, so it's very early on... but I wrote 3 poems yesterday and 1 today, so maybe it won't take as long as I think. I don't know. Who knows? I don't.

See ya

Bites by Cody Clarke

Bites
by Cody Clarke

I used to take bites out of her
and that was all I looked forward to

I hated school
so I'd cut and sleep through the worst classes
in this corner on the 4th floor
where a big green garbage can
blocked me from the sight of guards

and at the end of the day
I'd bring her home with me
and she'd let me chew her flesh
purple and red

We'd do all the other stuff too
but I liked marking her the most
I liked that she'd see spots of me
in the shower in the morning

then the full map
in the medicine cabinet mirror
as she dressed

and the best was when she didn't see it
when I chafed her in class
under the clothes her mother chose for her

We only lasted a few weeks
and when we got back into bed years later
I could barely touch my teeth to her

She was too far gone
and she smelled of tuition

Girlfriend's Mother by Cody Clarke

Girlfriend's Mother
by Cody Clarke

I opened the door
to see her slide her arms fast
out from between her legs under the covers
and cover her eyes with both hands
blocking the light I'd swung in

I pulled the door shut quickly
and went into the next room down
the correct room
to urinate

When I came out
her bedroom door was open
and she was now sitting
on the side of her bed
turned away from me

I stood and watched her
wipe her forehead
and feel her heartbeat

then realized she was showing me
that she had the same scars
and bruises on my back
as my girlfriend

She turned her head finally
and looked at me in my boxers
in the bright light
sweaty from her daughter

I looked down at the floor
at my shadow stretched out to her
and I closed the door

I went down to the end of the hall
opened the door gently
and saw my girlfriend still dreaming

I climbed into her bed quietly
and stared up at the darkness
for a really long time
and then even longer with my eyes closed

Squeezer by Cody Clarke

Squeezer
by Cody Clarke

She loves pressing against me
pressing pressing pressing

Like I could never be too close
only too far

I could crush her in my arms
like an important scientific document
in an escaped gorilla's fist
and it'd be less painful
than losing me

I've hugged her really really hard

Harder than I've ever hugged
anyone
and she's a skinny thing
but she takes it with a smile

She just loves it so much
and she's the only one
I've met that does

Girls that were crazy about me
and downright crazy themselves
even they had their limits

But this one

She wants all of me
and she's saner than them all
and smarter
and stronger

She knows she can take it all
and she won't stop squeezing
and it feels so fucking good

Intervention by Cody Clarke

Intervention
by Cody Clarke

You can date
all the asshole idiots you want
I'm used to that by now

but if you marry one
that's the day I kidnap you
I take you

stick you in the basement with pens
and yellow paper
and starve you
unless you write

like you fucking should be
you fucking floozy

Bernard Pivot Questionnaire

Bernard Pivot Questionnaire

1. What is your favorite word?
Righteous (I say it too much for my own good, but it never gets old to me)

2. What is your least favorite word?
Venerable (Just can't stand the sound of it, the definition is fine)

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Creativity (For all three)

4. What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Laziness/Ignorance (For all three)

5. What sound or noise do you love?
Meowing

6. What sound or noise do you hate?
Barking

7. What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Chef

9. What profession would you not like to do?
Embalmer

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"It's alright, you can keep going back"