Christmas Gripe: Wham - Last Christmas

Christmas Gripe:


When the only reference to christmas in your song is the title of the song, repeated at the beginning of each chorus, you're cheating! Wham cheated!

As good and catchy as the song is, it's barely a christmas song. I cannot prove this, but I'm pretty sure they just took a regular ol' single they had up their ass, stuck the word 'christmas' in it, and shipped it off as a christmas song, because there is nothing christmas about the subject matter of the song. The song is about getting your heartbroken by someone, and then this year, not letting it happen again. What is christmas about that? Nothing, except for the fact we are told it happened last christmas. They could've said it happened whenever! The song could have been called Last Year, or Last Time, Last Ramadan for fucks sake.

Nonetheless, it's catchy as fuck, and now that I think of it, what they did was genius. By turning this single into a christmas song, they made it so it would only be listened to at a certain time each year... which means it can never get old, because if you only listen to it in December each year, it's impossible to get sick of it. Fuck Wham for being smart cheaters!

Aguirre, the Wrath of God: Descending the Mountain (Part II)

Descending the Mountain (Part II)

What do we know about the morality of out adventurers? They've conquered and plundered the Incas, which tells us that they see nothing wrong with murdering and stealing. How do they justify this evil? Later, we learn that they are Christians, traveling with a priest. This tells us that through their personal interpretation of the Bible, their actions are justified; that stealing, murdering, and enslaving (we learn later that they are traveling with slaves in tow) is justified as long as they are the ones doing it. They believe they are superior, because they have interpreted the bible to say they are.

Herzog does not want us to know this about them yet, though. He could've explained it in his written introduction, or possibly shown them coming down the mountain in garish clothing, standing out from the mountain background, in order to convey how superior they feel to the world around them. Instead, he chose to dress them in colors that appear naturally on the mountain:







Until we see them at the lowest point of their trek, they look less like people and more like part of the mountain shifting. This conveys the objectivity of the situation-- that our adventurers are objectively no different than the natural world around them, other than that they are heading downward in an organized fashion. The adventurers represent mankind, and this shot conveys that what sends us downward is delusion, greed, and the perpetration of evil.

This concludes my analysis of this portion of the scene.

Aguirre, the Wrath of God: Descending the Mountain (Part I)

In this entry, I will show how a portion of the first scene of "Aguirre, the Wrath of God" serves as a synecdoche for a major theme of the movie.

In my previous entry, I said there wouldn't be any spoilers in this one, but I didn't explain what I consider a spoiler. Since everyone has their own barometer of what constitutes a spoiler, I'll give my definition. I see a spoiler as anything the director intended to be a surprise during the first viewing of their movie. If you agree, read on. If not, see the movie first.

Descending the Mountain

The camera tilts down as we follow a faint line of people descending a foggy mountain;

(Click any shot to enlarge)

we see more of the line,


and then finally, the lowest section of it.


This shot tells us the grandiosity of their trek, and through their downward direction and the tone of the music we hear, a sense of foreboding is conveyed. We know this will be a difficult journey-- that much is a given even if they were climbing up instead-- but what more does this shot tell us?

In the brief, written introduction from Werner Herzog that preceded this first scene, we were told the following:

After the conquest and plundering of the Inca empire by Spain, the Indians invented the legend of El Dorado, a land of gold, located in the swamps of the Amazon headwaters. A large expedition of Spanish adventurers, led by Gonzalo Pizarro, set off from the Peruvian highlands in late 1560.

In short: Fresh off a brutal victory, swelling with pride and motivated by greed, our adventurers are embarking in pursuit of something that doesn't exist.

A righteous journey (a journey towards an objective, tangible goal) can be described as a mountain climb: the climb representing the upward, arduous journey that must be persevered, in order to reach the 'mountain top' reward.

In this tale, the reward the adventurers are in pursuit of doesn't exist, and thus, they will never reach their destination or attain any riches. This is why the film starts with their descent down a mountain-- there is no 'mountain top' for them to ever reach, where they're headed. The Peruvian highlands they control was their only 'mountain top', and they abandoning it on a greedy, deluded pursuit.

In the next entry, I will analyze the color palette of this shot, and what that tells us about our adventurers.

To be continued...

Movie Analysis: Aguirre, the Wrath of God

Aguirre, the Wrath of God


Introduction

I won't be reviewing this movie further than the five star rating I've given it above. Instead, I'll be analyzing key scenes and themes from it, over a series of blog entries. Whether you should read my analyses before or after you've seen the movie is up to you, and how you like viewing movies.

The next entry will be an analysis of the first scene of the movie, which I regard as one of the most beautiful scenes ever filmed. Plot won't be discussed, only the images on screen, so it's spoiler-free.

Really Good Racehorse Names That Aren't Taken

Really Good Racehorse Names That Aren't Taken
by Cody Clarke

Bruce Lee The Horse

Movie Review: Marked For Death

Marked For Death
Directed by Dwight H. Little
94 min.



This movie kicks fucking ass. It's retarded as hell, and for the majority of the time, wonderfully retarded; counting toothpicks and cards for Tom Cruise like nobody's business. In a few instances though, the retardation hurts the movie, like Samuel L. Jackson's crazy homeless guy fist crashing against his crazy homeless guy head.*

Good Retardations

- The movie is about the Jamaican drug mob destroying small town America and performing voodoo curses on people that get in their way. That's a good fucking plot line right there, I don't give a fuck. Don't act like you don't want to see that fucking movie. Don't act like your brain didn't run tons of possible cool scenes in your head when you read that shit, and quite frankly, if it didn't, you don't need to be reading my movie reviews. My movie reviews are catered to those who when hearing that plot line, there brain immediately starts running cool scenes it thinks might occur, because it can't fucking wait to see it.

- Keith David is Seagal's sidekick. Yes, Keith David from They Live! Holding and using guns again! Fighting people! Is your dick hard yet?

- Seagal's lines, as always. I won't ruin a single one cause those are always best when they catch you off guard. In fact, there's a lot of this movie that I really shouldn't ruin. I'm gonna cut my good retardations list short here. This is one of those movies where you just have to trust me it kick ass, and go see it.

Bad Retardations

- Shitty Jamaican accents. Not quite Jar Jar Binks level, but close to it. Shitty bad guy lines and behavior overall, actually.

"EVERYBODY WANT GO HEAVEN BUT NOBODY WANT DEAD."
No, there were no typos or grammatical errors made by me in that quote. That shit was verbatim as fuck.

I hate it when the bad guys suck in a movie. These bad guys fucking suck. They're stupid as hell. I hate action movies with stupid bad guys. That's why I can't get down with a movie Rumble in the Bronx, which has great action, but bad guys where you'd be surprised if they don't stare at the sky when it's raining and fucking drown. The bad guys in this aren't quite at that level, but they're damn close. These guys are supposed to be the top drug mob? Doesn't make any fucking sense. Takes you right out of the movie, which is never good when you're watching a retarded movie in the first place. Makes you feel dirty. Makes you wonder why you even sat down to watch it, instead of a 'good movie'. Bad retarded fucks a mind up.

- Useless love interest. She does nothing the whole movie, and he doesn't even fuck her. I won't even talk about her more than that. She's wholly forgettable.

- And the biggest bad retardation of all, non-anamorphic widescreen, which means it'll look like fucking garbage on your 16:9 TV. Watch this on something 4:3. Fucking bullshit.

Conclusion

I know you're probably saying to yourself that doesn't seem like a lot of bad retardation, but trust me it is. These bad guys suck, the love interest sucks, so I can't in good conscience give this any more than 3 1/2 stars. See it anyway though, because there's a lot of really great stuff that happens; the kind shit that will make you jump out of your seat and yell and have a good time, which is the reason you're watching one of these movies in the first place. Keep your eyes on the good retardation, and suffer through the bad retardation. I won't be upset if you fast forward through stupid stuff.

*Alright, that movie reference was a little more obscure than the Rain Man one. The Samuel L. Jackson movie I'm referencing is The Caveman's Valentine, a shitty but ambitious movie where Samuel L. Jackson plays a crazy homeless guy trying to solve the murder of a boy. As awesome as that sounds, you don't need to see it, trust me. Also, for the record, I don't even think he punches himself in the head in it. He might at one point, but I honestly don't remember. I chose to reference it because it was the first crazy homeless guy movie I could think of. Now that I think about it though, he was in Resurrecting the Champ too, where played a different homeless guy. He's not self-destructive in that one though, so that wouldn't have worked. Hell, he might not even be self-destructive in Caveman's Valentine, cause honestly I barely remember that shit other than that I didn't like it. Fuck it though, I'm not changing the simile.

Movie Review: Rachel Getting Married

Rachel Getting Married
Directed by Jonathan Demme
113 min.


Fuck this movie. I love the direction, the acting, the cinematography, the sound design, the production design-- but the screenplay is a piece of shit. What we have here is a minimalist storytelling written by a woman who doesn't properly understand what minimalism is. Minimalism isn't just about a low number of brushstrokes; it's about choosing said brushstrokes purposefully and expertly to tell a story the way it needs to be told. That was not done here. The screenplay is a mess, and so what we have here is a piece of shit that Demme has polished (and he's done so very well, hence the 2 stars) but it's still a piece of shit at the end of the day.

There are some scenes in this film I love (solely on technical aspects and/or caliber of acting) but I can't stand the sum of these parts. They're just kernels of sweet corn in the pile of shit that this movie is, as a result of its shitty, first draft screenplay. I don't care how many drafts Jenny Lumet went through to end up with the screenplay that was shot, it's still a first draft. If it walks a duck, talks like a duck, and sucks fucking ass like a duck, it's a duck-- and as such, I won't bother detailing any of the reasons why the screenplay is bad, because fuck first drafts. That might sound like a cop out, since technically this is a final draft since they shot it, but fuck that. There are stupid action and horror movies I review on here with solider screenplays than this, so fuck this movie, and fuck Jonathan Demme too for not knowing how shitty the screenplay was.

Guess The Movie: Halloween Edition! SOLUTIONS

Click to discover the answers to the questions yesterday:

Movie 1: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0266543/

Movie 2: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0246578/

Nobody got that shit right. I think I might continue this shit, it's fun to come up with

Guess The Movie: Halloween Edition!

Guess The Movie: Halloween Edition!

Movie 1:
A man, his wife, and their newborn children move into a new house. That night, his wife and all but one child are brutally murdered. Five years later, his surviving son is abducted when he runs away from school one day. The abductor then sells the boy to a man who imprisons the boy in a water tank and forces him to view painful surgeries all day long.

The father teams up with a mysterious schizophrenic woman with short-term memory loss and together they race against time to find his son.

Movie 2:
Sex-crazed teenager who feels long, phallic symbols are guiding his every choice becomes infatuated with an elderly woman.

Can you guess them? Comment if you can.

High School Dream

I had a dream last night that I was back in High School, and it was the first day of classes in a new school year. I went to my first few, but my dreams always skip me through boring parts, so I don't remember what happened in those classes. I just know that I went to them. Do your dreams do that? No? They don't love you. My dreams are full of love and abridged for my pleasure.

So I was skipped to after those first few classes, and I'm deciding I'm not going to go to the next one, since it was one I hadn't even signed up for, and didn't need to graduate; obviously an error on my schedule. I decide to cut, knowing it wouldn't matter since I'd get my guidance counselor to remove the class first thing tomorrow, and then I get caught almost immediately; something that never would happen to me back during my High School career, but it'd been years, so I was surely rusty.

The security guard that caught me then dragged me off to a classroom in the basement, where I sat in front of a 'jury of my peers' who were there to decide a punishment for my infraction. Said jury was comprised entirely of thuggish kids assumedly endowed in the criminal arts. These kids glared at me as if I were a pile of fresh, seran-wrapped, all-white meat with eyes. The moderator, a butch lesbian gym teacher I had back in the day, oblivious to the preposterousness of this trial, then began it.

I did pretty will with my jury. I cursed a lot, and came off really affably gangster. They were surely going to let me off with a light sentence, if they even gave me one at all. When the trial ended, I was found not guilty. I was elated, and thanked each and every juror personally with a respective complicated handshake. The jurors then filed out of the room, and it was just me and the gym teacher. She explained to me that I could leave now, but on one condition: that I take some pills that work really well on student morale. I explained that I didn't want to take any pills I hadn't discussed with my parents first. She told me that I couldn't call them unless I took the pills. So I ran. I ran far, and fast.

I ran to a mountain and rock climbed it to the top, where I dropped dozens of boulders on her, crushing her. She was gone.

The End.

Movie Review: The Funhouse

The Funhouse
Directed by Tobe Hooper
96 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
Fat guy horror dork programming director who loves me, etc. You know the story by now. I was really happy to see this was gonna be on Showtime HD. I love Tobe Hooper, and I'd never seen this one. I actually hadn't even heard of it before I saw it was gonna be on. This is a pretty lesser-known horror movie, but it's generally well liked by those who have seen it.

By the way, I promise you I'll start watching some DVD's I own but haven't watched yet soon, but there's just been really good shit in HD lately. I'm about to review all four Jaws movies! They were in HD! Back to back! Starz is the shit.

What's Good
- Movie starts with some nice, real breasts on a realistically hot chick. That's fucking class. I don't know about you, but I just love that shit. Nothing's hotter to me, or gains more respect from me in a horror film than that. Not that I don't like bombshell chicks bouncing bad fake tits too (that shit is great in it's own way) but that just doesn't gain respect from me per se. I know I'm not alone on this, and don't need to explain it, cause every dude reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about. The girls reading this will just have to ask a dude friend of theirs to explain why it's so hot, and then the dude will go all *exhales* "you wouldn't understand." And it's true. They wouldn't. If women knew the simple shit we think is the hottest fucking shit ever, their entire worlds would come crashing down. They wouldn't be able to walk. Everything they'd been told by TV and ads and other women would be rendered obsolete. I dont even know why I'm uploading this to the web, that there's nothing hotter and more respect-earning in a horror movie than a realistically hot chick with bare, real breasts. Shit, I just said it again, thus drawing more attention to it. Let's move on.

- Pace is tight as fuck. I'm not even going to spoil it, but the pace of this movie is fucking flawless. It's slow in a lot of parts, but you're never bored. Then when it's fast paced, you're gonna be on your seat yelling at people you've never actually met in real life to run for their fucking life. Tobe Hooper is a master of horror pace on his fucking SECOND movie. How impressive is that shit? Fucking impressive.

- Oddly erotic bizarre scenes. Shit that would not fly today. Hell, a lot of this movie just wouldn't fucking fly today. It'd be lambasted for its slow parts, and not see much money in the theaters, and be regarded as a failure, probably.

- People that look like actual people. All the supporting characters look like they exist. They look like people you've seen on the subway or at carnivals or whatever. Casting on this movie is fucking top notch.

- Actual weird shit. I love when horror movies stick actually weird real shit in them. You see some fucking freaks in this movie. Real deformed shit. It's a dope scene. I love shit like that.

- Great gore once it comes. So fucking memorable, too. This movie is so fucking cool, I swear to god.

- Little kid character isn't annoying, like in most movies with little kids in them.

- Creepy characters that aren't evil. I love when this happens in a horror movie. You're like 'who the fuck's gonna be the killer, when's this movie gonna pick up pace, i bet it's that guy' and it's never that guy. It's always another guy. I love creepy people just chilling in a horror movie.

- I could go on and on, just see this fucking movie. Any real horror fan who doesn't like this movie needs to drop the genre and start watching some other genre cause you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

What's Bad

Nothing, it's perfect. Fuck you.

What Did You Learn

- One of the weirdest, most awkward scenes ever in a horror movie has the capacity to turn me on. You'll know what scene I'm talking about, but I doubt you'll react how I did. It's not like I had a big fucking hard-on pointing skyward, it just turned me on slightly. Not visibly at all. Don't judge me.

- They don't make movies like this anymore. This movie could only exist when it came out.

- This movie needs to be fucking seen, I swear to god.

- Someone needs to start a horror movie tits screen cap website. If that already exists, I'll be so happy. I'm gonna google right after this.

What Else

See the movie. It's perfect, to me.

Movie Review: Child's Play 3

Child's Play 3
Directed by Jack Bender
90 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
Recently this was played back to back with Child's Play 2 on Showtime HD, thanks to my favorite fat horror geek program director who every once in a while sneaks in gems (debatable) that have never before been seen in HD, and will likely never come out on Blu-ray. I know I say this a lot, but it bears repeating: Thank you, fat man. Yes, even for Child's Play 3, an undeniably shitty movie.

Why Does This Movie Suck So Many Cocks
As I said in my Child's Play 2 review, Chucky only works when Andy is a little kid, and the size of Chucky. In this one, Andy is fucking sixteen years old. How is Chucky scary if you're sixteen? Fucking punt him into a fire. The end.

Apparently the filmmakers realized this problem, and to compensate for the fact that any sixteen year old worth a damn could destroy Chucky before the opening credits finished rolling, they decided to write and cast the faggiest, weakest, pussiest fucking sixteen year old character ever. I swear to god this kid makes Jason Lively look like Dolph Lundgren.

I don't give a fuck, there's no way I'm buying Andy growing up to be a pussy. After his experiences, he should be a badass by sixteen. He'd totally fucking run away from an orphanage and grow into a tough motherfucking street kid fighting other street kids for food and shit. That's how you start the fucking movie, showing Andy at sixteen beating some other kid's face in for money, and loving every second of it. He's turned into a sadistic monster from fighting in the street half his damn life. Then later you have him stumble on a newspaper with an article about some kid having some experience with a Chucky doll like he had as a youth, and you have Andy travel to the kid's house, sneak in the attic, and start living there to protect the kid from the doll. He'll like befriend the kid, but the kid can't tell his parents, and the kid and Alex work together to fucking defeat Chucky. It'd be like Bad Ronald meets Hider in the House meets the previous Chucky movies. That's how you do a fucking third film. Obviously, the writer didn't think of that great concept though. He even admits he was out of ideas when he wrote Child's Play 3. It's really quite the piece of shit movie. Now let's break it down shit by shit.

What Cocks Does This Movie Suck
- Alright, so the plot is we have tofu-boned sixteen year old Andy joining a military academy, and Chucky mailing himself to the military academy to try THE EXACT SAME PLAN HE HAD IN CHILD'S PLAY 2 THAT DIDN'T WORK. Seriously, I don't mean 'oh, it coulda worked in Child's Play 2 but he got stopped before he could do it' I mean he ATTEMPTED THE VOODOO TO GET BACK INTO ANDY'S BODY BUT THE VOODOO SPELL DIDN'T WORK. THE PLAN WAS SHIT.

- This is also pretty much an incredibly formulaic teen military academy movie with Chucky stuck in. Most of the scenes involve the academy, and all the academy stereotypes interacting and doing shit. I have a hunch the writer just picked up a script that was bouncing around and stuck Chucky in it and some death scenes.

- The little black kid comic relief is annoying.

- Death scenes are fucking lame as hell.

I can't even talk about this shit anymore. There's a thin line between so bad it's good, and so bad it's bad. This is so bad it's bad. I LOVE so bad it's good. I'll watch a so bad it's good movie any day, but this just ain't it. This is an objectively shitty movie.

What Is Good In It If Anything
- The creepy ped barber is a nice touch. I love creepy ped characters in shit.

- Chucky's death is pretty cool, but not nearly as good as in the second or first movies.

That's all.

What Did I Learn From This Movie

- Chucky's a fucking idiot. Seriously, the SAME EXACT VOODOO PLAN THAT DIDN'T WORK.

- At military academy, you are allowed to fire a rifle with no training whatsoever.

- You can put a special paintball bullet into a regular gun to make the gun a paintball gun.

- Military academies have no guards whatsoever. You can seriously escape as easy as walking off campus to the amusement park 100 yards away.

- Black kids aren't scared of walking, talking dolls who curse and brandish knives like white kids are. Black kids will try to befriend them even.

- A ped barber can die and nobody gives a fuck or has a police investigation or whatever.

What Else

Don't see this fucking movie. It sucks cock. It only gets a star beacuse of the ped barber. I love creepy ped characters on the sidelines in movies. They always rule.

Movie Review: Child's Play 2

Child's Play 2
Directed by John Lafia
84 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
Like with Halloween III: Season of the Witch, this is a movie a horror dork who works for Showtime HD programming selected just for insomniac horror dorks like me to see. Thank you for fighting the good fight, man-who-is-likely-fat. I appreciate what you sneak in every once in a while, and this is you greatest contribution of all: Child's Play 2 and 3 back to back in HD. I could kiss your chode of a penis out of a heterosexual respect, but I wont, because that was hyperbole.

Why Is Chucky So Dope
I'll tell you why; because Chucky is the only horror movie monster who you see all the damn time, is scary when he's not moving, and is downright funny and awesome when he is. You actually fucking root for him when he's moving. That shit is phenomenal. Find me another movie like that. You can't. Fuck off.

Why Aren't All The Chucky Movies Dope Then
Because the concept only really worked while Andy was a kid. Chucky is obviously meant to represent Andy's dark urges, and it just gets stupid if Andy isn't dealing with a monster roughly his size, as in Child's Play 3. In that one they made Andy sixteen, since even by horror movie standards, it just wouldn't be all that that believable or enjoyable to see a child get stalked by a doll every couple months. This choice to age Andy eight years killed the scare factor though. A sixteen-year-old could punt Chucky the fuck away. Even Don Mancini (who wrote all the Chucky films) admits that Child's Play 3 just plain doesn't work.

I'm not gonna talk about Bride of Chucky or Seed of Chucky here. Those are far shittier than Child's Play 3 for a far more fundamental reason: self-parody is fucking uninteresting.

What's Good
Well it's far from a great movie, but it's better than it ever needed to be. That goes a long way for me.

- There are a bunch of shots that are damn near great. One that sticks out in my mind in particular is when Andy enters his foster parents' house for the first time. We see him walk through the foyer and dining room in one static shot, only panning as he moves out of frame. It's eerie, the set direction is beautiful, and if you saw just that shot you'd think it was from a film far better than Child's Play 2.

- The animatronics are phenomenal. The subtle facial movements on Chucky are handled extremely well, and no movement feels cheesy. Everything in this respect is far better than the first movie.

- Jenny Agutter is gorgeous and I have a total crush on her. Even in this completely non-sexual role. The other actors are alright, too. They do their best with the material.

- The part where Chucky yells "FLOOR IT!" and the girl says "Yeah right, in this station wagon?" and Chucky replies with a disappointed "SHIT!" I ran that back like four times. Hilarious timing and delivery.

- The death after death after death of Chucky in the final act. They really wanted to top the previous film's iconic and gorgeous climax, and though they didn't, this climax is far more exciting to watch.

What's Bad
The story isn't as tight as the first one. The first one is very simple and plausible, with a fantastic climax. This one involved some blatant stretching in a lot of parts to make the plot work.

Pace is a bit off. Pace is a big dealbreaker for me. I should probably devote an entire post to what makes for good pace in films.

What Did I Learn From This Movie
- Cheesy 80's blue lightning, though a convincing sign of evil to the audience, is apparently an everyday occurrence to the head of a toy company, and no heed should be paid to such.

- Toy factory machines are as bright and colorful as the toys they produce!

- Newspaper truck drivers routinely leave the back of their truck open. One can only assume this is to air out newspapers, or encourage hop-ons.

- Liquor stores only accept cash, even when it matters not to the events in the story whether or not said character is able to purchase his liquor or not.

- Richard Kelly totally saw Child's Play 2 and cast Beth Grant for Donnie Darko off it.

- The only black person in the county drives the newspaper truck. Maybe that's why he leave's the back of his truck open. Cause fuck this town.

What Else
The first two Chucky films are classics. Third is inherently flawed, but not as bad as the two after. I'm sure younger generations will be easier on Bride and Seed, but for me they're like the Star Wars prequels in terribleness.

Oh, and check out Jenny Agutter in Logan's Run. If you don't fall in love with her in that, I don't care to know you.

Food Poisoning: Not a fan

I'd like to go on the record here in saying that I am not a fan of food poisoning, neither the illness I am currently suffering from after eating oven pizza that I guess someone must've wiped their ass with, nor the method of murdering someone-- what with the black bottle with the skull on it, and the pouring of the bubbling green liquid into the food, and the cloud of devil steam from said contact of liquid to food.

Thank you.

Movie Review: Ken Park

Ken Park
Directed by Larry Clark
96 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie

That's a good question. I don't really care for Larry Clark or Harmony Korine's work. I haven't seen all of their films, but I was severely disappointed with Kids, Bully, and Gummo. I'd sworn off seeing anything else by them, but the controversy surrounding Ken Park intrigued me.

A brief recap of said controversy:

- According to Wikipedia, 'The movie was not shown in the United Kingdom after director Larry Clark punched and attempted to strangle Hamish McAlpine, the head of the UK distributor for the film, Metro Tartan. According to Clark, McAlpine expressed support for Hamas terrorist attacks against Israeli civilians, and, when an appalled Clark asked him about women and children victims of Hamas terrorism, McAlpine basically said that they deserved to die, at which point the altercation began. Clark was arrested and spent several hours in custody, and McAlpine was left with a broken nose.'
- It is banned in Australia for its sexual content.
- In New Zealand, it is only able to be viewed in film festivals or film courses, due to its R18 rating.
- Since its completion in 2002, the movie has not found a distributor in the U.S.

I wasn't gonna go out of my way and order some import DVD of this for $25 (after all, the odds were I'd hate it, given the filmmakers) but I figured if I ever came across a copy a friend had, I'd give it a shot to see what all the fuss over the content was about. After years and years, that happened.

What Did I Think

I wouldn't say it's a good movie per se, but there's some good stuff in it. Lemme get to the bad stuff first, though.

What's Bad

- Utilizes several pointless voice overs and title cards in the first 15 minutes, and again at the very end of the film. There's no reason for them to be there at all. Be a slice of life, movie. Don't try to be a visual novel. Harmony's writing is far too atrocious for the latter to ever be accomplished.

- Glaringly atrocious dialogue in several scenes. Borderline after school special. I don't care that some of the characters in this movie are based on real people from news stories, I assure you they didn't talk like that one bit. Feels like Harmony got really lazy writing a few scenes, and had nobody to tell him his shit stank.

- Several stupid character arcs, and useless scenes.

- Terrible cinematography. Far too many close ups. Zoom the fuck out and leave the camera be sometimes. Tell a story with the kind of shots you use and when, for chrissake.

What's Good

- Great acting performances all around.

- All sex and violence is handled remarkably tastefully.

What Is It Banned For Then

I have no fucking clue. People are retarded. I don't particularly care for Clark or Korine, but I don't think any of their movies deserve not to be seen. Especially not this one, which is the best thing I've seen of either of them. There are a lot good scenes in this, and I wish sex was handled this well in most movies with LESS graphic content. I don't feel any real need to see this movie straight through ever again, but particular scenes I would watch over.

I probably wouldn't watch another Harmony Korine movie, as the idea of him having full control over one of his scripts makes me cringe, but I will watch Larry Clark's other stuff. Could be good.

Movie Review: Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace

96 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
I’m convinced some pretty cool, nerdy people work in programming at HD movie channels such as HBO, Showtime, Starz, etc., because every once in a while they sneak in horror gems such as this— and in the past, The Gate, Night of the Creeps, From Beyond— movies that studios will probably never see the use in releasing on Blu-Ray. Thank you, nerds. I know you’re out there, and I thank you for using your power for good.

What Dude I Heard This Movie Is God Awful
This is the movie nobody asked for— a Halloween sequel with no Michael Myers in it, or connection to him whatsoever. You see, after Halloween II, John Carpenter and Debra Hill decided fuck Michael Myers, he’s not that great a character in the first place, let’s just produce a movie a year in an ongoing Halloween series, where each year we’ll have another unique serial killer do something fucked up on Halloween night. It was a clever concept, but the cards were stacked against them from the start.

Since the movie-going public craved Michael Myers, this movie had to be better than or equal to the first Halloween movie for them to accept it. Such a feat would be near impossible without Carpenter or a similar established talent writing or directing. Their choice of Tommy Lee Wallace, who’s previous film experience was only in writing a mediocre sequel to The Amityville Horror, was pretty dumb.

As to be expected, this film was not better than Halloween. The mere fact that there was no Michael Myers made the movie seem all the worse to movie-goers, when in actuality, this is a pretty good, sparingly flawed horror movie that would probably have been received well if it wasn’t released as a Halloween sequel.

What’s Good
- The opening titles are phenomenal, and one of my favorites of all time:

(Youtube does not do them justice at all, they are incredibly vibrant and eerie in HD. The colors are a hell of a lot brighter, and the flashing at the end is intense. I’d suck a dick to see this in a movie theater.)

- Tom Atkins. I could watch this guy in anything. If you loved him in Night of the Creeps, here he is in a starring role (albeit a less over-the-top performance) but he kicks ass.

- The commercials in the movie for halloween masks are fantastic. The jingle is infectious. If they sound familiar, Richard Kelly used them in Donnie Darko.

- Good pace. Though this is a cheesy, stupid horror movie, I did find myself getting interested in the story, which is an impressive feat given how ludicrous the events in this movie are.

- The female lead is hot. She's like if you fused together that tough chick that was on a few seasons of Saved By The Bell and Shelley Duvall. She's not a good actress, but she's fun to look at.

- Unusual and, quite memorable gore. There aren't a lot of gory moments, but they're all pretty great.

What's Bad
Preposterous third act that took me out of the movie completely. While the actually ending is pretty good, the climax is atrocious. I mean, it's enjoyably bad in parts, but fuck, I'm talking plot holes galore, and absolutely no suspense to the climax. That's really the only thing that hurts this movie, which would probably be a 4 1/2 if it weren't for it. That other 1/2 unaccounted for would be how badly it starts after the pristine opening credits.

What I Learned Watching This Movie
- Just because a movie has 'witch' in the title doesn't mean there has to be a witch in it.

- Doctors don't really have to go to work per se. They can leave the hospital whenever they want, and for days at a time even.

- Robots bleed orange.

Possible Explanations For My Tiger Dream

The following are possible explanations for my tiger dream. Keep in mind that these are only one man's opinion. If you are seeking the opinion of more than one man, or a different man, click here. (Ha! There are none.)

Also, if you have your own opinion on what my tiger dream means, please feel free to comment on this post. Only the best opinions will be accepted! If your opinion was of objectively low-quality you will not see your opinion appear on this website.

Theory Number One

I have a giant stuffed tiger. I've had it since I was 10 or so. My grandparents got it for me at a Christmas Tree Shops.

INTERJECTION #1

Have you ever noticed that Christmas Tree Shops is actually the name of the store, not the name of all their stores? If you look at their store it says Christmas Tree Shops on it. Not Christmas Tree Shop. The store is plural.


I make nothing up.

END OF INTERJECTION #1

I was so happy when I got the stuffed tiger. It's really quite giant. I'd always wanted a giant stuffed animal as a youth, like the ones at F.A.O. Schwartz.

INTERJECTION #2

When I was a child of like 6 or 7 I had an F.A.O. Schwartz shirt that said "F A O" on it. Have you ever noticed that the letter O is kinda shaped like the letter G? I was called a fag. I never wore the shirt again.

END OF INTERJECTION #2

Maybe the tiger in the dream represents my youth, and my inability to embrace it? Maybe I'm scared of being young? When I was young all I wanted to do was be older, and not have to go to school, or be around immature people that I didn't want to be around. Maybe this tiger running around in the meadow is my youth chasing me, dying for me to embrace it. Then when it bites me, I realize youth not so bad, and I have nothing to be afraid of.

Problems With This Theory

It's kinda flimsy. I've always despised entitlement, and the concept of grown-ups. I hate respecting elders. I respect people on an individual basis. Age tells you nothing about someone. Also, I have no problems with kid stuff. I saw Kung Fu Panda, and enjoyed myself. The only things I hated about my youth were the other kids that were dicks, and school. This theory doesn't really work.

Theory Number Two

Tiger represents the random, the chaotic; that which cannot be predicted. I'm a hypochondriac, and whenever I get sick I think I've caught some sort of disease. Maybe the dream was about me embracing the fact that in life, shit happens, there is as much chaos as there is order, and that's not a bad thing; it's just a thing, and I have nothing to be scared of. Then later, when I watch a nature documentary I realize that I'm not alone, that everyone is in the same boat when it comes to chaos. It affects and effects us all, and none of us are truly alone with tragedy.

Problems With This Theory

Not much. This theory kicks ass and could very well be the message of the dream. It makes more sense than the first theory.

Theory Number Three

Tiger is a giant, hungry vagina. My wrist is my penis. The movie is a porno.

Problems With This Theory

Everything.

Okay

Submit theories of your own. Even though I'm leaning towards Theory Number Two, I'm open to other thoughts. Also, feel free to presuppose shit about me. I don't care. Make it interesting. Interesting is cooler than fact.

To Be Continued...

I Had A Dream Last Night I Was Bit By A Tiger

This is a tiger:



I had a dream last night I was bit by one.

! ! !

In my dream, I was in one of the meadows in Prospect Park. It was a sunny weekend day, and there were a lot of people around. I was with some friends but I don't remember who. You forget these kinds of things when you get bit by a tiger.



Suddenly people start screaming in the park. There's commotion afoot. I look around, and theres an orange thing running around and people in jumpsuits trying to wrangle it. It's running fast, and on all fours. It's a tiger.

People run and scream and dart every which way. The tiger is running in big spirals around the meadow. I don't know what to do or where to go. I feel like I'm stuck in the ocean and there's a crazy shark. Only it's not a crazy shark. It's a tiger.

The tiger is closer to me now and I'm running from it, but it can run faster than me and it always makes it to wherever in the meadow I run before me. It's not running after me per se, me and the tiger just want to be in the same place at the same time it seems. Anyway, now the tiger is like fifteen feet from me. It's close as shit. I back up slowly from it, and it darts at me. The people in jumpsuits can't do shit. I brace myself for the tiger coming at me and put my hands up. The tiger bites me in the wrist.

The tiger's mouth stays on my wrist, its teeth IN my wrist, for a long time. It hurts but it's not as bad as I thought it'd be. I thought my wrist would come the fuck off, but it doesn't. Also there's not really any blood. The tiger chews a bit on the wrist and then hurries off. Then the tiger comes back and does it again.

He bites my wrist again, same shit, not so bad, not that it doesn't hurt, it's just not so bad. Then the tiger runs off again and this time it's wrangled. I walk away holding my wrist, which is now bleeding slightly and swollen, and go to a movie. A movie about nature.

I'm in a movie theater with a tiger-bitten wrist watching a nature documentary when I wake up.

A FUCKING TIGER BIT ME

Movie Review: Over The Top

Over The Top

Directed by Menahem Golan

93 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
I’m a Stallone fan. I think he’s a cool guy, and very good in interviews. The Q&A’s he’s done with Ain’t It Cool News are particularly great. I love or like all the Rambo and Rocky movies. Because people love ranking them, here’s my ranking:

- Rocky

- Rocky III

- Rocky II

- Rocky V

- Rocky IV

- Rambo

- Rambo: First Blood Part II

- First Blood

- Rambo III

And just for fun, I’ll rank the other series people love to rank:

- Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

- Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

- Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

- Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

- Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

- Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

And the other one:

- Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

- Raiders of the Lost Ark

- Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

- Being Stabbed In The Face

- Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

But back to Over The Top. Stallone + arm wrestling championship + my favorite episode of Dexter’s Laboratory parodying it to a certain extent = movie I need to see. I picked up for like $6 a while back, but never ended up watching it. I think I was working through The Wire at the time, and was too deeply engrossed in that.

What’s Good About It
- Great soundtrack, if you’re into that sorta thing. Will be excruciating for those who aren’t, but I love these kinds of 80’s soundtracks. I’m not even going to describe the soundtrack further than that, because it’ll take the fun out of hearing the first song in the movie.

- Even though this is a pretty formulaic father and son tale, there are a few twists and turns you don’t expect that make it stand out from others.

- The arm wrestling tournament is fun and exciting. I’m a sucker for tournaments in movies though, so I’m biased.

- Stallone is very good. He’s not playing a particularly deep character, but his performance really makes you feel like this guy has had a past where he’s been through some shit. The amount of his past that’s left to the imagination really puts you into the shoes of his son, making the emotional impact of this film a lot stronger.

- Really funny unintentional pedophilic undertones. Like the soundtrack, I don’t wanna ruin the moments for you, but you’ll know them when they arrive.

What’s It Lack
- The actor playing the kid isn’t that great, and the lines he’s given aren’t so hot either. It’s not distracting per se, it’s just noticeably weak.

- Some scenes toward the beginning involving the kid’s grandfather feel unnecessary and drag. Would have liked those scenes shortened, and more scenes of Stallone and the kid on the road.

What Did You Learn
- Stallone can be a good actor in things other than Rocky and Rambo. Previously, I’d only seen him in Cobra and Cliffhanger besides those, and both are pretty bad.

- The move “over the top” in arm wrestling. I can’t wait to try it out on people.

- Truckers sleep in the front seats, not on cots in the back of the truck. Weird. There’s so much space back there! Silly truckers.

What Else
If you’re in the mood for this kind of thing, you’ll enjoy yourself. I can’t see this movie exciting anyone who doesn’t already dig the premise, though.