Guess The Movie: Halloween Edition!

Guess The Movie: Halloween Edition!

Movie 1:
A man, his wife, and their newborn children move into a new house. That night, his wife and all but one child are brutally murdered. Five years later, his surviving son is abducted when he runs away from school one day. The abductor then sells the boy to a man who imprisons the boy in a water tank and forces him to view painful surgeries all day long.

The father teams up with a mysterious schizophrenic woman with short-term memory loss and together they race against time to find his son.

Movie 2:
Sex-crazed teenager who feels long, phallic symbols are guiding his every choice becomes infatuated with an elderly woman.

Can you guess them? Comment if you can.

High School Dream

I had a dream last night that I was back in High School, and it was the first day of classes in a new school year. I went to my first few, but my dreams always skip me through boring parts, so I don't remember what happened in those classes. I just know that I went to them. Do your dreams do that? No? They don't love you. My dreams are full of love and abridged for my pleasure.

So I was skipped to after those first few classes, and I'm deciding I'm not going to go to the next one, since it was one I hadn't even signed up for, and didn't need to graduate; obviously an error on my schedule. I decide to cut, knowing it wouldn't matter since I'd get my guidance counselor to remove the class first thing tomorrow, and then I get caught almost immediately; something that never would happen to me back during my High School career, but it'd been years, so I was surely rusty.

The security guard that caught me then dragged me off to a classroom in the basement, where I sat in front of a 'jury of my peers' who were there to decide a punishment for my infraction. Said jury was comprised entirely of thuggish kids assumedly endowed in the criminal arts. These kids glared at me as if I were a pile of fresh, seran-wrapped, all-white meat with eyes. The moderator, a butch lesbian gym teacher I had back in the day, oblivious to the preposterousness of this trial, then began it.

I did pretty will with my jury. I cursed a lot, and came off really affably gangster. They were surely going to let me off with a light sentence, if they even gave me one at all. When the trial ended, I was found not guilty. I was elated, and thanked each and every juror personally with a respective complicated handshake. The jurors then filed out of the room, and it was just me and the gym teacher. She explained to me that I could leave now, but on one condition: that I take some pills that work really well on student morale. I explained that I didn't want to take any pills I hadn't discussed with my parents first. She told me that I couldn't call them unless I took the pills. So I ran. I ran far, and fast.

I ran to a mountain and rock climbed it to the top, where I dropped dozens of boulders on her, crushing her. She was gone.

The End.

Movie Review: The Funhouse

The Funhouse
Directed by Tobe Hooper
96 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
Fat guy horror dork programming director who loves me, etc. You know the story by now. I was really happy to see this was gonna be on Showtime HD. I love Tobe Hooper, and I'd never seen this one. I actually hadn't even heard of it before I saw it was gonna be on. This is a pretty lesser-known horror movie, but it's generally well liked by those who have seen it.

By the way, I promise you I'll start watching some DVD's I own but haven't watched yet soon, but there's just been really good shit in HD lately. I'm about to review all four Jaws movies! They were in HD! Back to back! Starz is the shit.

What's Good
- Movie starts with some nice, real breasts on a realistically hot chick. That's fucking class. I don't know about you, but I just love that shit. Nothing's hotter to me, or gains more respect from me in a horror film than that. Not that I don't like bombshell chicks bouncing bad fake tits too (that shit is great in it's own way) but that just doesn't gain respect from me per se. I know I'm not alone on this, and don't need to explain it, cause every dude reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about. The girls reading this will just have to ask a dude friend of theirs to explain why it's so hot, and then the dude will go all *exhales* "you wouldn't understand." And it's true. They wouldn't. If women knew the simple shit we think is the hottest fucking shit ever, their entire worlds would come crashing down. They wouldn't be able to walk. Everything they'd been told by TV and ads and other women would be rendered obsolete. I dont even know why I'm uploading this to the web, that there's nothing hotter and more respect-earning in a horror movie than a realistically hot chick with bare, real breasts. Shit, I just said it again, thus drawing more attention to it. Let's move on.

- Pace is tight as fuck. I'm not even going to spoil it, but the pace of this movie is fucking flawless. It's slow in a lot of parts, but you're never bored. Then when it's fast paced, you're gonna be on your seat yelling at people you've never actually met in real life to run for their fucking life. Tobe Hooper is a master of horror pace on his fucking SECOND movie. How impressive is that shit? Fucking impressive.

- Oddly erotic bizarre scenes. Shit that would not fly today. Hell, a lot of this movie just wouldn't fucking fly today. It'd be lambasted for its slow parts, and not see much money in the theaters, and be regarded as a failure, probably.

- People that look like actual people. All the supporting characters look like they exist. They look like people you've seen on the subway or at carnivals or whatever. Casting on this movie is fucking top notch.

- Actual weird shit. I love when horror movies stick actually weird real shit in them. You see some fucking freaks in this movie. Real deformed shit. It's a dope scene. I love shit like that.

- Great gore once it comes. So fucking memorable, too. This movie is so fucking cool, I swear to god.

- Little kid character isn't annoying, like in most movies with little kids in them.

- Creepy characters that aren't evil. I love when this happens in a horror movie. You're like 'who the fuck's gonna be the killer, when's this movie gonna pick up pace, i bet it's that guy' and it's never that guy. It's always another guy. I love creepy people just chilling in a horror movie.

- I could go on and on, just see this fucking movie. Any real horror fan who doesn't like this movie needs to drop the genre and start watching some other genre cause you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

What's Bad

Nothing, it's perfect. Fuck you.

What Did You Learn

- One of the weirdest, most awkward scenes ever in a horror movie has the capacity to turn me on. You'll know what scene I'm talking about, but I doubt you'll react how I did. It's not like I had a big fucking hard-on pointing skyward, it just turned me on slightly. Not visibly at all. Don't judge me.

- They don't make movies like this anymore. This movie could only exist when it came out.

- This movie needs to be fucking seen, I swear to god.

- Someone needs to start a horror movie tits screen cap website. If that already exists, I'll be so happy. I'm gonna google right after this.

What Else

See the movie. It's perfect, to me.

Movie Review: Child's Play 3

Child's Play 3
Directed by Jack Bender
90 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
Recently this was played back to back with Child's Play 2 on Showtime HD, thanks to my favorite fat horror geek program director who every once in a while sneaks in gems (debatable) that have never before been seen in HD, and will likely never come out on Blu-ray. I know I say this a lot, but it bears repeating: Thank you, fat man. Yes, even for Child's Play 3, an undeniably shitty movie.

Why Does This Movie Suck So Many Cocks
As I said in my Child's Play 2 review, Chucky only works when Andy is a little kid, and the size of Chucky. In this one, Andy is fucking sixteen years old. How is Chucky scary if you're sixteen? Fucking punt him into a fire. The end.

Apparently the filmmakers realized this problem, and to compensate for the fact that any sixteen year old worth a damn could destroy Chucky before the opening credits finished rolling, they decided to write and cast the faggiest, weakest, pussiest fucking sixteen year old character ever. I swear to god this kid makes Jason Lively look like Dolph Lundgren.

I don't give a fuck, there's no way I'm buying Andy growing up to be a pussy. After his experiences, he should be a badass by sixteen. He'd totally fucking run away from an orphanage and grow into a tough motherfucking street kid fighting other street kids for food and shit. That's how you start the fucking movie, showing Andy at sixteen beating some other kid's face in for money, and loving every second of it. He's turned into a sadistic monster from fighting in the street half his damn life. Then later you have him stumble on a newspaper with an article about some kid having some experience with a Chucky doll like he had as a youth, and you have Andy travel to the kid's house, sneak in the attic, and start living there to protect the kid from the doll. He'll like befriend the kid, but the kid can't tell his parents, and the kid and Alex work together to fucking defeat Chucky. It'd be like Bad Ronald meets Hider in the House meets the previous Chucky movies. That's how you do a fucking third film. Obviously, the writer didn't think of that great concept though. He even admits he was out of ideas when he wrote Child's Play 3. It's really quite the piece of shit movie. Now let's break it down shit by shit.

What Cocks Does This Movie Suck
- Alright, so the plot is we have tofu-boned sixteen year old Andy joining a military academy, and Chucky mailing himself to the military academy to try THE EXACT SAME PLAN HE HAD IN CHILD'S PLAY 2 THAT DIDN'T WORK. Seriously, I don't mean 'oh, it coulda worked in Child's Play 2 but he got stopped before he could do it' I mean he ATTEMPTED THE VOODOO TO GET BACK INTO ANDY'S BODY BUT THE VOODOO SPELL DIDN'T WORK. THE PLAN WAS SHIT.

- This is also pretty much an incredibly formulaic teen military academy movie with Chucky stuck in. Most of the scenes involve the academy, and all the academy stereotypes interacting and doing shit. I have a hunch the writer just picked up a script that was bouncing around and stuck Chucky in it and some death scenes.

- The little black kid comic relief is annoying.

- Death scenes are fucking lame as hell.

I can't even talk about this shit anymore. There's a thin line between so bad it's good, and so bad it's bad. This is so bad it's bad. I LOVE so bad it's good. I'll watch a so bad it's good movie any day, but this just ain't it. This is an objectively shitty movie.

What Is Good In It If Anything
- The creepy ped barber is a nice touch. I love creepy ped characters in shit.

- Chucky's death is pretty cool, but not nearly as good as in the second or first movies.

That's all.

What Did I Learn From This Movie

- Chucky's a fucking idiot. Seriously, the SAME EXACT VOODOO PLAN THAT DIDN'T WORK.

- At military academy, you are allowed to fire a rifle with no training whatsoever.

- You can put a special paintball bullet into a regular gun to make the gun a paintball gun.

- Military academies have no guards whatsoever. You can seriously escape as easy as walking off campus to the amusement park 100 yards away.

- Black kids aren't scared of walking, talking dolls who curse and brandish knives like white kids are. Black kids will try to befriend them even.

- A ped barber can die and nobody gives a fuck or has a police investigation or whatever.

What Else

Don't see this fucking movie. It sucks cock. It only gets a star beacuse of the ped barber. I love creepy ped characters on the sidelines in movies. They always rule.

Movie Review: Child's Play 2

Child's Play 2
Directed by John Lafia
84 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
Like with Halloween III: Season of the Witch, this is a movie a horror dork who works for Showtime HD programming selected just for insomniac horror dorks like me to see. Thank you for fighting the good fight, man-who-is-likely-fat. I appreciate what you sneak in every once in a while, and this is you greatest contribution of all: Child's Play 2 and 3 back to back in HD. I could kiss your chode of a penis out of a heterosexual respect, but I wont, because that was hyperbole.

Why Is Chucky So Dope
I'll tell you why; because Chucky is the only horror movie monster who you see all the damn time, is scary when he's not moving, and is downright funny and awesome when he is. You actually fucking root for him when he's moving. That shit is phenomenal. Find me another movie like that. You can't. Fuck off.

Why Aren't All The Chucky Movies Dope Then
Because the concept only really worked while Andy was a kid. Chucky is obviously meant to represent Andy's dark urges, and it just gets stupid if Andy isn't dealing with a monster roughly his size, as in Child's Play 3. In that one they made Andy sixteen, since even by horror movie standards, it just wouldn't be all that that believable or enjoyable to see a child get stalked by a doll every couple months. This choice to age Andy eight years killed the scare factor though. A sixteen-year-old could punt Chucky the fuck away. Even Don Mancini (who wrote all the Chucky films) admits that Child's Play 3 just plain doesn't work.

I'm not gonna talk about Bride of Chucky or Seed of Chucky here. Those are far shittier than Child's Play 3 for a far more fundamental reason: self-parody is fucking uninteresting.

What's Good
Well it's far from a great movie, but it's better than it ever needed to be. That goes a long way for me.

- There are a bunch of shots that are damn near great. One that sticks out in my mind in particular is when Andy enters his foster parents' house for the first time. We see him walk through the foyer and dining room in one static shot, only panning as he moves out of frame. It's eerie, the set direction is beautiful, and if you saw just that shot you'd think it was from a film far better than Child's Play 2.

- The animatronics are phenomenal. The subtle facial movements on Chucky are handled extremely well, and no movement feels cheesy. Everything in this respect is far better than the first movie.

- Jenny Agutter is gorgeous and I have a total crush on her. Even in this completely non-sexual role. The other actors are alright, too. They do their best with the material.

- The part where Chucky yells "FLOOR IT!" and the girl says "Yeah right, in this station wagon?" and Chucky replies with a disappointed "SHIT!" I ran that back like four times. Hilarious timing and delivery.

- The death after death after death of Chucky in the final act. They really wanted to top the previous film's iconic and gorgeous climax, and though they didn't, this climax is far more exciting to watch.

What's Bad
The story isn't as tight as the first one. The first one is very simple and plausible, with a fantastic climax. This one involved some blatant stretching in a lot of parts to make the plot work.

Pace is a bit off. Pace is a big dealbreaker for me. I should probably devote an entire post to what makes for good pace in films.

What Did I Learn From This Movie
- Cheesy 80's blue lightning, though a convincing sign of evil to the audience, is apparently an everyday occurrence to the head of a toy company, and no heed should be paid to such.

- Toy factory machines are as bright and colorful as the toys they produce!

- Newspaper truck drivers routinely leave the back of their truck open. One can only assume this is to air out newspapers, or encourage hop-ons.

- Liquor stores only accept cash, even when it matters not to the events in the story whether or not said character is able to purchase his liquor or not.

- Richard Kelly totally saw Child's Play 2 and cast Beth Grant for Donnie Darko off it.

- The only black person in the county drives the newspaper truck. Maybe that's why he leave's the back of his truck open. Cause fuck this town.

What Else
The first two Chucky films are classics. Third is inherently flawed, but not as bad as the two after. I'm sure younger generations will be easier on Bride and Seed, but for me they're like the Star Wars prequels in terribleness.

Oh, and check out Jenny Agutter in Logan's Run. If you don't fall in love with her in that, I don't care to know you.