Guess The Movie: Halloween Edition!

Guess The Movie: Halloween Edition!

Movie 1:
A man, his wife, and their newborn children move into a new house. That night, his wife and all but one child are brutally murdered. Five years later, his surviving son is abducted when he runs away from school one day. The abductor then sells the boy to a man who imprisons the boy in a water tank and forces him to view painful surgeries all day long.

The father teams up with a mysterious schizophrenic woman with short-term memory loss and together they race against time to find his son.

Movie 2:
Sex-crazed teenager who feels long, phallic symbols are guiding his every choice becomes infatuated with an elderly woman.

Can you guess them? Comment if you can.

High School Dream

I had a dream last night that I was back in High School, and it was the first day of classes in a new school year. I went to my first few, but my dreams always skip me through boring parts, so I don't remember what happened in those classes. I just know that I went to them. Do your dreams do that? No? They don't love you. My dreams are full of love and abridged for my pleasure.

So I was skipped to after those first few classes, and I'm deciding I'm not going to go to the next one, since it was one I hadn't even signed up for, and didn't need to graduate; obviously an error on my schedule. I decide to cut, knowing it wouldn't matter since I'd get my guidance counselor to remove the class first thing tomorrow, and then I get caught almost immediately; something that never would happen to me back during my High School career, but it'd been years, so I was surely rusty.

The security guard that caught me then dragged me off to a classroom in the basement, where I sat in front of a 'jury of my peers' who were there to decide a punishment for my infraction. Said jury was comprised entirely of thuggish kids assumedly endowed in the criminal arts. These kids glared at me as if I were a pile of fresh, seran-wrapped, all-white meat with eyes. The moderator, a butch lesbian gym teacher I had back in the day, oblivious to the preposterousness of this trial, then began it.

I did pretty will with my jury. I cursed a lot, and came off really affably gangster. They were surely going to let me off with a light sentence, if they even gave me one at all. When the trial ended, I was found not guilty. I was elated, and thanked each and every juror personally with a respective complicated handshake. The jurors then filed out of the room, and it was just me and the gym teacher. She explained to me that I could leave now, but on one condition: that I take some pills that work really well on student morale. I explained that I didn't want to take any pills I hadn't discussed with my parents first. She told me that I couldn't call them unless I took the pills. So I ran. I ran far, and fast.

I ran to a mountain and rock climbed it to the top, where I dropped dozens of boulders on her, crushing her. She was gone.

The End.

Movie Review: The Funhouse

The Funhouse
Directed by Tobe Hooper
96 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
Fat guy horror dork programming director who loves me, etc. You know the story by now. I was really happy to see this was gonna be on Showtime HD. I love Tobe Hooper, and I'd never seen this one. I actually hadn't even heard of it before I saw it was gonna be on. This is a pretty lesser-known horror movie, but it's generally well liked by those who have seen it.

By the way, I promise you I'll start watching some DVD's I own but haven't watched yet soon, but there's just been really good shit in HD lately. I'm about to review all four Jaws movies! They were in HD! Back to back! Starz is the shit.

What's Good
- Movie starts with some nice, real breasts on a realistically hot chick. That's fucking class. I don't know about you, but I just love that shit. Nothing's hotter to me, or gains more respect from me in a horror film than that. Not that I don't like bombshell chicks bouncing bad fake tits too (that shit is great in it's own way) but that just doesn't gain respect from me per se. I know I'm not alone on this, and don't need to explain it, cause every dude reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about. The girls reading this will just have to ask a dude friend of theirs to explain why it's so hot, and then the dude will go all *exhales* "you wouldn't understand." And it's true. They wouldn't. If women knew the simple shit we think is the hottest fucking shit ever, their entire worlds would come crashing down. They wouldn't be able to walk. Everything they'd been told by TV and ads and other women would be rendered obsolete. I dont even know why I'm uploading this to the web, that there's nothing hotter and more respect-earning in a horror movie than a realistically hot chick with bare, real breasts. Shit, I just said it again, thus drawing more attention to it. Let's move on.

- Pace is tight as fuck. I'm not even going to spoil it, but the pace of this movie is fucking flawless. It's slow in a lot of parts, but you're never bored. Then when it's fast paced, you're gonna be on your seat yelling at people you've never actually met in real life to run for their fucking life. Tobe Hooper is a master of horror pace on his fucking SECOND movie. How impressive is that shit? Fucking impressive.

- Oddly erotic bizarre scenes. Shit that would not fly today. Hell, a lot of this movie just wouldn't fucking fly today. It'd be lambasted for its slow parts, and not see much money in the theaters, and be regarded as a failure, probably.

- People that look like actual people. All the supporting characters look like they exist. They look like people you've seen on the subway or at carnivals or whatever. Casting on this movie is fucking top notch.

- Actual weird shit. I love when horror movies stick actually weird real shit in them. You see some fucking freaks in this movie. Real deformed shit. It's a dope scene. I love shit like that.

- Great gore once it comes. So fucking memorable, too. This movie is so fucking cool, I swear to god.

- Little kid character isn't annoying, like in most movies with little kids in them.

- Creepy characters that aren't evil. I love when this happens in a horror movie. You're like 'who the fuck's gonna be the killer, when's this movie gonna pick up pace, i bet it's that guy' and it's never that guy. It's always another guy. I love creepy people just chilling in a horror movie.

- I could go on and on, just see this fucking movie. Any real horror fan who doesn't like this movie needs to drop the genre and start watching some other genre cause you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

What's Bad

Nothing, it's perfect. Fuck you.

What Did You Learn

- One of the weirdest, most awkward scenes ever in a horror movie has the capacity to turn me on. You'll know what scene I'm talking about, but I doubt you'll react how I did. It's not like I had a big fucking hard-on pointing skyward, it just turned me on slightly. Not visibly at all. Don't judge me.

- They don't make movies like this anymore. This movie could only exist when it came out.

- This movie needs to be fucking seen, I swear to god.

- Someone needs to start a horror movie tits screen cap website. If that already exists, I'll be so happy. I'm gonna google right after this.

What Else

See the movie. It's perfect, to me.

Movie Review: Child's Play 3

Child's Play 3
Directed by Jack Bender
90 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
Recently this was played back to back with Child's Play 2 on Showtime HD, thanks to my favorite fat horror geek program director who every once in a while sneaks in gems (debatable) that have never before been seen in HD, and will likely never come out on Blu-ray. I know I say this a lot, but it bears repeating: Thank you, fat man. Yes, even for Child's Play 3, an undeniably shitty movie.

Why Does This Movie Suck So Many Cocks
As I said in my Child's Play 2 review, Chucky only works when Andy is a little kid, and the size of Chucky. In this one, Andy is fucking sixteen years old. How is Chucky scary if you're sixteen? Fucking punt him into a fire. The end.

Apparently the filmmakers realized this problem, and to compensate for the fact that any sixteen year old worth a damn could destroy Chucky before the opening credits finished rolling, they decided to write and cast the faggiest, weakest, pussiest fucking sixteen year old character ever. I swear to god this kid makes Jason Lively look like Dolph Lundgren.

I don't give a fuck, there's no way I'm buying Andy growing up to be a pussy. After his experiences, he should be a badass by sixteen. He'd totally fucking run away from an orphanage and grow into a tough motherfucking street kid fighting other street kids for food and shit. That's how you start the fucking movie, showing Andy at sixteen beating some other kid's face in for money, and loving every second of it. He's turned into a sadistic monster from fighting in the street half his damn life. Then later you have him stumble on a newspaper with an article about some kid having some experience with a Chucky doll like he had as a youth, and you have Andy travel to the kid's house, sneak in the attic, and start living there to protect the kid from the doll. He'll like befriend the kid, but the kid can't tell his parents, and the kid and Alex work together to fucking defeat Chucky. It'd be like Bad Ronald meets Hider in the House meets the previous Chucky movies. That's how you do a fucking third film. Obviously, the writer didn't think of that great concept though. He even admits he was out of ideas when he wrote Child's Play 3. It's really quite the piece of shit movie. Now let's break it down shit by shit.

What Cocks Does This Movie Suck
- Alright, so the plot is we have tofu-boned sixteen year old Andy joining a military academy, and Chucky mailing himself to the military academy to try THE EXACT SAME PLAN HE HAD IN CHILD'S PLAY 2 THAT DIDN'T WORK. Seriously, I don't mean 'oh, it coulda worked in Child's Play 2 but he got stopped before he could do it' I mean he ATTEMPTED THE VOODOO TO GET BACK INTO ANDY'S BODY BUT THE VOODOO SPELL DIDN'T WORK. THE PLAN WAS SHIT.

- This is also pretty much an incredibly formulaic teen military academy movie with Chucky stuck in. Most of the scenes involve the academy, and all the academy stereotypes interacting and doing shit. I have a hunch the writer just picked up a script that was bouncing around and stuck Chucky in it and some death scenes.

- The little black kid comic relief is annoying.

- Death scenes are fucking lame as hell.

I can't even talk about this shit anymore. There's a thin line between so bad it's good, and so bad it's bad. This is so bad it's bad. I LOVE so bad it's good. I'll watch a so bad it's good movie any day, but this just ain't it. This is an objectively shitty movie.

What Is Good In It If Anything
- The creepy ped barber is a nice touch. I love creepy ped characters in shit.

- Chucky's death is pretty cool, but not nearly as good as in the second or first movies.

That's all.

What Did I Learn From This Movie

- Chucky's a fucking idiot. Seriously, the SAME EXACT VOODOO PLAN THAT DIDN'T WORK.

- At military academy, you are allowed to fire a rifle with no training whatsoever.

- You can put a special paintball bullet into a regular gun to make the gun a paintball gun.

- Military academies have no guards whatsoever. You can seriously escape as easy as walking off campus to the amusement park 100 yards away.

- Black kids aren't scared of walking, talking dolls who curse and brandish knives like white kids are. Black kids will try to befriend them even.

- A ped barber can die and nobody gives a fuck or has a police investigation or whatever.

What Else

Don't see this fucking movie. It sucks cock. It only gets a star beacuse of the ped barber. I love creepy ped characters on the sidelines in movies. They always rule.

Movie Review: Child's Play 2

Child's Play 2
Directed by John Lafia
84 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
Like with Halloween III: Season of the Witch, this is a movie a horror dork who works for Showtime HD programming selected just for insomniac horror dorks like me to see. Thank you for fighting the good fight, man-who-is-likely-fat. I appreciate what you sneak in every once in a while, and this is you greatest contribution of all: Child's Play 2 and 3 back to back in HD. I could kiss your chode of a penis out of a heterosexual respect, but I wont, because that was hyperbole.

Why Is Chucky So Dope
I'll tell you why; because Chucky is the only horror movie monster who you see all the damn time, is scary when he's not moving, and is downright funny and awesome when he is. You actually fucking root for him when he's moving. That shit is phenomenal. Find me another movie like that. You can't. Fuck off.

Why Aren't All The Chucky Movies Dope Then
Because the concept only really worked while Andy was a kid. Chucky is obviously meant to represent Andy's dark urges, and it just gets stupid if Andy isn't dealing with a monster roughly his size, as in Child's Play 3. In that one they made Andy sixteen, since even by horror movie standards, it just wouldn't be all that that believable or enjoyable to see a child get stalked by a doll every couple months. This choice to age Andy eight years killed the scare factor though. A sixteen-year-old could punt Chucky the fuck away. Even Don Mancini (who wrote all the Chucky films) admits that Child's Play 3 just plain doesn't work.

I'm not gonna talk about Bride of Chucky or Seed of Chucky here. Those are far shittier than Child's Play 3 for a far more fundamental reason: self-parody is fucking uninteresting.

What's Good
Well it's far from a great movie, but it's better than it ever needed to be. That goes a long way for me.

- There are a bunch of shots that are damn near great. One that sticks out in my mind in particular is when Andy enters his foster parents' house for the first time. We see him walk through the foyer and dining room in one static shot, only panning as he moves out of frame. It's eerie, the set direction is beautiful, and if you saw just that shot you'd think it was from a film far better than Child's Play 2.

- The animatronics are phenomenal. The subtle facial movements on Chucky are handled extremely well, and no movement feels cheesy. Everything in this respect is far better than the first movie.

- Jenny Agutter is gorgeous and I have a total crush on her. Even in this completely non-sexual role. The other actors are alright, too. They do their best with the material.

- The part where Chucky yells "FLOOR IT!" and the girl says "Yeah right, in this station wagon?" and Chucky replies with a disappointed "SHIT!" I ran that back like four times. Hilarious timing and delivery.

- The death after death after death of Chucky in the final act. They really wanted to top the previous film's iconic and gorgeous climax, and though they didn't, this climax is far more exciting to watch.

What's Bad
The story isn't as tight as the first one. The first one is very simple and plausible, with a fantastic climax. This one involved some blatant stretching in a lot of parts to make the plot work.

Pace is a bit off. Pace is a big dealbreaker for me. I should probably devote an entire post to what makes for good pace in films.

What Did I Learn From This Movie
- Cheesy 80's blue lightning, though a convincing sign of evil to the audience, is apparently an everyday occurrence to the head of a toy company, and no heed should be paid to such.

- Toy factory machines are as bright and colorful as the toys they produce!

- Newspaper truck drivers routinely leave the back of their truck open. One can only assume this is to air out newspapers, or encourage hop-ons.

- Liquor stores only accept cash, even when it matters not to the events in the story whether or not said character is able to purchase his liquor or not.

- Richard Kelly totally saw Child's Play 2 and cast Beth Grant for Donnie Darko off it.

- The only black person in the county drives the newspaper truck. Maybe that's why he leave's the back of his truck open. Cause fuck this town.

What Else
The first two Chucky films are classics. Third is inherently flawed, but not as bad as the two after. I'm sure younger generations will be easier on Bride and Seed, but for me they're like the Star Wars prequels in terribleness.

Oh, and check out Jenny Agutter in Logan's Run. If you don't fall in love with her in that, I don't care to know you.

Food Poisoning: Not a fan

I'd like to go on the record here in saying that I am not a fan of food poisoning, neither the illness I am currently suffering from after eating oven pizza that I guess someone must've wiped their ass with, nor the method of murdering someone-- what with the black bottle with the skull on it, and the pouring of the bubbling green liquid into the food, and the cloud of devil steam from said contact of liquid to food.

Thank you.

Movie Review: Ken Park

Ken Park
Directed by Larry Clark
96 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie

That's a good question. I don't really care for Larry Clark or Harmony Korine's work. I haven't seen all of their films, but I was severely disappointed with Kids, Bully, and Gummo. I'd sworn off seeing anything else by them, but the controversy surrounding Ken Park intrigued me.

A brief recap of said controversy:

- According to Wikipedia, 'The movie was not shown in the United Kingdom after director Larry Clark punched and attempted to strangle Hamish McAlpine, the head of the UK distributor for the film, Metro Tartan. According to Clark, McAlpine expressed support for Hamas terrorist attacks against Israeli civilians, and, when an appalled Clark asked him about women and children victims of Hamas terrorism, McAlpine basically said that they deserved to die, at which point the altercation began. Clark was arrested and spent several hours in custody, and McAlpine was left with a broken nose.'
- It is banned in Australia for its sexual content.
- In New Zealand, it is only able to be viewed in film festivals or film courses, due to its R18 rating.
- Since its completion in 2002, the movie has not found a distributor in the U.S.

I wasn't gonna go out of my way and order some import DVD of this for $25 (after all, the odds were I'd hate it, given the filmmakers) but I figured if I ever came across a copy a friend had, I'd give it a shot to see what all the fuss over the content was about. After years and years, that happened.

What Did I Think

I wouldn't say it's a good movie per se, but there's some good stuff in it. Lemme get to the bad stuff first, though.

What's Bad

- Utilizes several pointless voice overs and title cards in the first 15 minutes, and again at the very end of the film. There's no reason for them to be there at all. Be a slice of life, movie. Don't try to be a visual novel. Harmony's writing is far too atrocious for the latter to ever be accomplished.

- Glaringly atrocious dialogue in several scenes. Borderline after school special. I don't care that some of the characters in this movie are based on real people from news stories, I assure you they didn't talk like that one bit. Feels like Harmony got really lazy writing a few scenes, and had nobody to tell him his shit stank.

- Several stupid character arcs, and useless scenes.

- Terrible cinematography. Far too many close ups. Zoom the fuck out and leave the camera be sometimes. Tell a story with the kind of shots you use and when, for chrissake.

What's Good

- Great acting performances all around.

- All sex and violence is handled remarkably tastefully.

What Is It Banned For Then

I have no fucking clue. People are retarded. I don't particularly care for Clark or Korine, but I don't think any of their movies deserve not to be seen. Especially not this one, which is the best thing I've seen of either of them. There are a lot good scenes in this, and I wish sex was handled this well in most movies with LESS graphic content. I don't feel any real need to see this movie straight through ever again, but particular scenes I would watch over.

I probably wouldn't watch another Harmony Korine movie, as the idea of him having full control over one of his scripts makes me cringe, but I will watch Larry Clark's other stuff. Could be good.

Movie Review: Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace

96 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
I’m convinced some pretty cool, nerdy people work in programming at HD movie channels such as HBO, Showtime, Starz, etc., because every once in a while they sneak in horror gems such as this— and in the past, The Gate, Night of the Creeps, From Beyond— movies that studios will probably never see the use in releasing on Blu-Ray. Thank you, nerds. I know you’re out there, and I thank you for using your power for good.

What Dude I Heard This Movie Is God Awful
This is the movie nobody asked for— a Halloween sequel with no Michael Myers in it, or connection to him whatsoever. You see, after Halloween II, John Carpenter and Debra Hill decided fuck Michael Myers, he’s not that great a character in the first place, let’s just produce a movie a year in an ongoing Halloween series, where each year we’ll have another unique serial killer do something fucked up on Halloween night. It was a clever concept, but the cards were stacked against them from the start.

Since the movie-going public craved Michael Myers, this movie had to be better than or equal to the first Halloween movie for them to accept it. Such a feat would be near impossible without Carpenter or a similar established talent writing or directing. Their choice of Tommy Lee Wallace, who’s previous film experience was only in writing a mediocre sequel to The Amityville Horror, was pretty dumb.

As to be expected, this film was not better than Halloween. The mere fact that there was no Michael Myers made the movie seem all the worse to movie-goers, when in actuality, this is a pretty good, sparingly flawed horror movie that would probably have been received well if it wasn’t released as a Halloween sequel.

What’s Good
- The opening titles are phenomenal, and one of my favorites of all time:

(Youtube does not do them justice at all, they are incredibly vibrant and eerie in HD. The colors are a hell of a lot brighter, and the flashing at the end is intense. I’d suck a dick to see this in a movie theater.)

- Tom Atkins. I could watch this guy in anything. If you loved him in Night of the Creeps, here he is in a starring role (albeit a less over-the-top performance) but he kicks ass.

- The commercials in the movie for halloween masks are fantastic. The jingle is infectious. If they sound familiar, Richard Kelly used them in Donnie Darko.

- Good pace. Though this is a cheesy, stupid horror movie, I did find myself getting interested in the story, which is an impressive feat given how ludicrous the events in this movie are.

- The female lead is hot. She's like if you fused together that tough chick that was on a few seasons of Saved By The Bell and Shelley Duvall. She's not a good actress, but she's fun to look at.

- Unusual and, quite memorable gore. There aren't a lot of gory moments, but they're all pretty great.

What's Bad
Preposterous third act that took me out of the movie completely. While the actually ending is pretty good, the climax is atrocious. I mean, it's enjoyably bad in parts, but fuck, I'm talking plot holes galore, and absolutely no suspense to the climax. That's really the only thing that hurts this movie, which would probably be a 4 1/2 if it weren't for it. That other 1/2 unaccounted for would be how badly it starts after the pristine opening credits.

What I Learned Watching This Movie
- Just because a movie has 'witch' in the title doesn't mean there has to be a witch in it.

- Doctors don't really have to go to work per se. They can leave the hospital whenever they want, and for days at a time even.

- Robots bleed orange.

Possible Explanations For My Tiger Dream

The following are possible explanations for my tiger dream. Keep in mind that these are only one man's opinion. If you are seeking the opinion of more than one man, or a different man, click here. (Ha! There are none.)

Also, if you have your own opinion on what my tiger dream means, please feel free to comment on this post. Only the best opinions will be accepted! If your opinion was of objectively low-quality you will not see your opinion appear on this website.

Theory Number One

I have a giant stuffed tiger. I've had it since I was 10 or so. My grandparents got it for me at a Christmas Tree Shops.

INTERJECTION #1

Have you ever noticed that Christmas Tree Shops is actually the name of the store, not the name of all their stores? If you look at their store it says Christmas Tree Shops on it. Not Christmas Tree Shop. The store is plural.


I make nothing up.

END OF INTERJECTION #1

I was so happy when I got the stuffed tiger. It's really quite giant. I'd always wanted a giant stuffed animal as a youth, like the ones at F.A.O. Schwartz.

INTERJECTION #2

When I was a child of like 6 or 7 I had an F.A.O. Schwartz shirt that said "F A O" on it. Have you ever noticed that the letter O is kinda shaped like the letter G? I was called a fag. I never wore the shirt again.

END OF INTERJECTION #2

Maybe the tiger in the dream represents my youth, and my inability to embrace it? Maybe I'm scared of being young? When I was young all I wanted to do was be older, and not have to go to school, or be around immature people that I didn't want to be around. Maybe this tiger running around in the meadow is my youth chasing me, dying for me to embrace it. Then when it bites me, I realize youth not so bad, and I have nothing to be afraid of.

Problems With This Theory

It's kinda flimsy. I've always despised entitlement, and the concept of grown-ups. I hate respecting elders. I respect people on an individual basis. Age tells you nothing about someone. Also, I have no problems with kid stuff. I saw Kung Fu Panda, and enjoyed myself. The only things I hated about my youth were the other kids that were dicks, and school. This theory doesn't really work.

Theory Number Two

Tiger represents the random, the chaotic; that which cannot be predicted. I'm a hypochondriac, and whenever I get sick I think I've caught some sort of disease. Maybe the dream was about me embracing the fact that in life, shit happens, there is as much chaos as there is order, and that's not a bad thing; it's just a thing, and I have nothing to be scared of. Then later, when I watch a nature documentary I realize that I'm not alone, that everyone is in the same boat when it comes to chaos. It affects and effects us all, and none of us are truly alone with tragedy.

Problems With This Theory

Not much. This theory kicks ass and could very well be the message of the dream. It makes more sense than the first theory.

Theory Number Three

Tiger is a giant, hungry vagina. My wrist is my penis. The movie is a porno.

Problems With This Theory

Everything.

Okay

Submit theories of your own. Even though I'm leaning towards Theory Number Two, I'm open to other thoughts. Also, feel free to presuppose shit about me. I don't care. Make it interesting. Interesting is cooler than fact.

To Be Continued...

I Had A Dream Last Night I Was Bit By A Tiger

This is a tiger:



I had a dream last night I was bit by one.

! ! !

In my dream, I was in one of the meadows in Prospect Park. It was a sunny weekend day, and there were a lot of people around. I was with some friends but I don't remember who. You forget these kinds of things when you get bit by a tiger.



Suddenly people start screaming in the park. There's commotion afoot. I look around, and theres an orange thing running around and people in jumpsuits trying to wrangle it. It's running fast, and on all fours. It's a tiger.

People run and scream and dart every which way. The tiger is running in big spirals around the meadow. I don't know what to do or where to go. I feel like I'm stuck in the ocean and there's a crazy shark. Only it's not a crazy shark. It's a tiger.

The tiger is closer to me now and I'm running from it, but it can run faster than me and it always makes it to wherever in the meadow I run before me. It's not running after me per se, me and the tiger just want to be in the same place at the same time it seems. Anyway, now the tiger is like fifteen feet from me. It's close as shit. I back up slowly from it, and it darts at me. The people in jumpsuits can't do shit. I brace myself for the tiger coming at me and put my hands up. The tiger bites me in the wrist.

The tiger's mouth stays on my wrist, its teeth IN my wrist, for a long time. It hurts but it's not as bad as I thought it'd be. I thought my wrist would come the fuck off, but it doesn't. Also there's not really any blood. The tiger chews a bit on the wrist and then hurries off. Then the tiger comes back and does it again.

He bites my wrist again, same shit, not so bad, not that it doesn't hurt, it's just not so bad. Then the tiger runs off again and this time it's wrangled. I walk away holding my wrist, which is now bleeding slightly and swollen, and go to a movie. A movie about nature.

I'm in a movie theater with a tiger-bitten wrist watching a nature documentary when I wake up.

A FUCKING TIGER BIT ME

Movie Review: Over The Top

Over The Top

Directed by Menahem Golan

93 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
I’m a Stallone fan. I think he’s a cool guy, and very good in interviews. The Q&A’s he’s done with Ain’t It Cool News are particularly great. I love or like all the Rambo and Rocky movies. Because people love ranking them, here’s my ranking:

- Rocky

- Rocky III

- Rocky II

- Rocky V

- Rocky IV

- Rambo

- Rambo: First Blood Part II

- First Blood

- Rambo III

And just for fun, I’ll rank the other series people love to rank:

- Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

- Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

- Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

- Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

- Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

- Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

And the other one:

- Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

- Raiders of the Lost Ark

- Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

- Being Stabbed In The Face

- Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

But back to Over The Top. Stallone + arm wrestling championship + my favorite episode of Dexter’s Laboratory parodying it to a certain extent = movie I need to see. I picked up for like $6 a while back, but never ended up watching it. I think I was working through The Wire at the time, and was too deeply engrossed in that.

What’s Good About It
- Great soundtrack, if you’re into that sorta thing. Will be excruciating for those who aren’t, but I love these kinds of 80’s soundtracks. I’m not even going to describe the soundtrack further than that, because it’ll take the fun out of hearing the first song in the movie.

- Even though this is a pretty formulaic father and son tale, there are a few twists and turns you don’t expect that make it stand out from others.

- The arm wrestling tournament is fun and exciting. I’m a sucker for tournaments in movies though, so I’m biased.

- Stallone is very good. He’s not playing a particularly deep character, but his performance really makes you feel like this guy has had a past where he’s been through some shit. The amount of his past that’s left to the imagination really puts you into the shoes of his son, making the emotional impact of this film a lot stronger.

- Really funny unintentional pedophilic undertones. Like the soundtrack, I don’t wanna ruin the moments for you, but you’ll know them when they arrive.

What’s It Lack
- The actor playing the kid isn’t that great, and the lines he’s given aren’t so hot either. It’s not distracting per se, it’s just noticeably weak.

- Some scenes toward the beginning involving the kid’s grandfather feel unnecessary and drag. Would have liked those scenes shortened, and more scenes of Stallone and the kid on the road.

What Did You Learn
- Stallone can be a good actor in things other than Rocky and Rambo. Previously, I’d only seen him in Cobra and Cliffhanger besides those, and both are pretty bad.

- The move “over the top” in arm wrestling. I can’t wait to try it out on people.

- Truckers sleep in the front seats, not on cots in the back of the truck. Weird. There’s so much space back there! Silly truckers.

What Else
If you’re in the mood for this kind of thing, you’ll enjoy yourself. I can’t see this movie exciting anyone who doesn’t already dig the premise, though.

Movie Review: Chocolate

Chocolate
Directed by Prachya Pinkaew
110 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
I'm a big martial arts movie fan, and I've loved Pinkaew and Tony Jaa's output so far. When I saw the trailer for this online a while back, I couldn't wait to see it. This girl was being heralded as the female Tony Jaa, and her moves seemed top notch. Found out a few days ago that the thai DVD of this was out, ordered it on ebay, and it came today.

What Are You Not Doing With This Movie
Buy this movie if you love Tony Jaa. Buy this movie if you love martial arts. Buy this movie if you love martial arts without stunt doubles or CGI or wires. Buy this movie just cause. Fuck, it's good.

What's So Good About It
Great pace, concept, and execution. Phenomenal action sequences. These guys are really devoted to their craft, and they get hurt a lot too as a result. The credits are full of what injuries occurred. I also think this is probably the best movie since Kill Bill for girls. Girls need movies where girls kick ass. There are too many movies with girls in incredibly insulting roles where they don't get to do shit but stand there while other people kick ass.

What Are You A Feminist
I'm pro people kicking ass. I think if more people kicked some ass this world would be a better place. If I went out with a girl and she punched me in the face I'd marry her and kick her in the ribs. I'm not talking about angry or evil violence, I'm talking about what's good and healthy. We'd have stronger kids than you'd ever think possible. They'd change the world and fight crime. I'd fuck and fight my wife every night and make even more kids. They'd all grow up to be great people.

Movie Review: Out For Justice

Out For Justice
Directed by John Flynn

91 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
Steven Seagal rules, I don’t give a fuck. People say he’s washed up, his acting sucks, and he fights wooden, but those people haven’t seen him in his prime. He was once the fucking man. I’ve seen Above The Law, Hard To Kill, and Under Siege. According to Seagalogy, my new bible, this one’s even better than those, so I picked it up for three dollars on half.com a few weeks ago, and finally got a chance to watch it last night.

What Is This Amazing Movie Holy Fuck
This is not only his best movie, but it’s definitely one of my top three favorite action movies of all time. It’s unlike any other action movie I know, and it doesn’t miss a fucking beat. Not one scene in this entire movie drags. Damn near every other line is quotable. The action is fantastic. I want to watch this movie again right now.

What I Learned From This Movie
- If you use a weapon against Seagal, it will be used against you.
- A true man solves his problems not with the entire NYPD police force at his disposal, but with an unmarked car and a shotgun.
- If Seagal says he hopes to see you again, he will see you again, and he will hurt you.
- Dogs can be kept in locked cars all night and be fine, as long as you buy two bags of 'puppy dog food' and a six-pack of seltzer and leave them unopened next to it.

What Do You Mean There’s Gotta Be Some Stuff That Sucks About It
No, nothing. I’m fucking serious, this is a great movie. I laughed and cheered throughout and I wish I could see it on a big screen so fucking badly.

What Else
Nothing else. Go see this movie right fuck now, I don’t care who you are. Anyone who doesn’t like this movie is a shit head.

Movie Review: Cannibal The Musical

Cannibal: The Musical

Directed by Trey Parker

96 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
I bought it for three dollars at a Gamestop back when Gamestop sold used DVD’s. Is that just a regional thing, or is that across the country? In NYC they don’t sell used DVD’s anymore. It’s a shame because you could always find cheap gems if you sifted through. Anyway, I just never ended up watching it.

What Am I Knowing About Said Movie Going In
Made in college by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Got picked up by Troma. Gory stuff. Musical stuff.

What I Am Knowing After Said Movie Finished
There are a lot of funny jokes in this, some gut-busting. There are jokes that miss too, and parts that drag, but it was made by students on their vacations. If this were a big production, I’d be harsher on it, but I know what it’s like to work with limitations, and I’ve seen a lot of student-made crap. This is definitely not student-made crap. You can tell by watching this movie that Trey Parker and Matt Stone were brilliant way before South Park, and naturals waiting for an audience to catch up with them.

What About The Gory Stuff
I’m fully desensitized to movie gore, so I’m a bad judge on what’s gory or not, but this is Monty Python type stuff to me. Fun stuff, not scary stuff.

What About The Musical Stuff
A few of them are phenomenal, a few are forgettable. The main one will be stuck in your head forever.

What Else
Don’t be discouraged just cause this is an uneven student film. There are some truly hilarious moments in here that can’t be missed, especially if you’re a fan of Trey and Matt’s other work. Remember, this isn’t a student film by your stoner friends at Brooklyn College shot on VHS-C, this is a student film by two guys who changed animated comedy forever.

Movie Review: Defending Your Life

Defending Your LIfe

Directed by Albert Brooks

112 min.

(out of 5)

What Am I Doing With This Movie
It was on Universal HD and I DVR’d it. DVR’d movies will be getting reviews, too.

What I Know About Albert Brooks
Enough. More than skateboarding, at least. I’ve seen Lost In America (Great) The Muse (Good, underrated) Looking For Comedy in the Muslim World (Borderline passable) and I generally like his vibe.

What Is This Stuff Coming Out Of My Eyes
This movie made me cry.

What
Yes, and I don’t cry from movies often. The only movies I’ve cried during are Fall, The Brown Bunny, and 3-Iron. Never as hard as during this movie though.

What Is It That Has Caused The Eye Leak
I just got out of a relationship, and though it ended amicably and we’re still great friends, there was a lot of tragedy to it. Certain things in this movie paralleled what I'd went through, and thus struck a chord. Not even a dinky three-note power chord, I mean a fucking barred F right across the first fret; heavy and painful to the un-callused.

What About The Rest Of The Movie
It’s a very good movie. Only drags in a few spots (both during two early trial scenes) so I can’t give it the full five stars, but otherwise it’s pitch-perfect. Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep have a phenomenal chemistry.

What Are You Gonna Do Now
Continue with my life.

What You’re Not Gonna Go Keep Crying
Fuck you.

What Else Do You Have To Say For Yourself
I did my best. She did her best. We made the right decision for both of us.

What Else About The Movie I Mean Like Fun Facts Or Whatever
I dunno, Rip Torn is in it?

What I Could Have Learned That On IMDB In My Sleep
How about that Albert Brooks was born Albert Einstein?

What Dude That Is Like Seriously On Albert Brooks' IMDB
Leave me alone. I need tissues.