Movie Review: The Funhouse

The Funhouse
Directed by Tobe Hooper
96 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
Fat guy horror dork programming director who loves me, etc. You know the story by now. I was really happy to see this was gonna be on Showtime HD. I love Tobe Hooper, and I'd never seen this one. I actually hadn't even heard of it before I saw it was gonna be on. This is a pretty lesser-known horror movie, but it's generally well liked by those who have seen it.

By the way, I promise you I'll start watching some DVD's I own but haven't watched yet soon, but there's just been really good shit in HD lately. I'm about to review all four Jaws movies! They were in HD! Back to back! Starz is the shit.

What's Good
- Movie starts with some nice, real breasts on a realistically hot chick. That's fucking class. I don't know about you, but I just love that shit. Nothing's hotter to me, or gains more respect from me in a horror film than that. Not that I don't like bombshell chicks bouncing bad fake tits too (that shit is great in it's own way) but that just doesn't gain respect from me per se. I know I'm not alone on this, and don't need to explain it, cause every dude reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about. The girls reading this will just have to ask a dude friend of theirs to explain why it's so hot, and then the dude will go all *exhales* "you wouldn't understand." And it's true. They wouldn't. If women knew the simple shit we think is the hottest fucking shit ever, their entire worlds would come crashing down. They wouldn't be able to walk. Everything they'd been told by TV and ads and other women would be rendered obsolete. I dont even know why I'm uploading this to the web, that there's nothing hotter and more respect-earning in a horror movie than a realistically hot chick with bare, real breasts. Shit, I just said it again, thus drawing more attention to it. Let's move on.

- Pace is tight as fuck. I'm not even going to spoil it, but the pace of this movie is fucking flawless. It's slow in a lot of parts, but you're never bored. Then when it's fast paced, you're gonna be on your seat yelling at people you've never actually met in real life to run for their fucking life. Tobe Hooper is a master of horror pace on his fucking SECOND movie. How impressive is that shit? Fucking impressive.

- Oddly erotic bizarre scenes. Shit that would not fly today. Hell, a lot of this movie just wouldn't fucking fly today. It'd be lambasted for its slow parts, and not see much money in the theaters, and be regarded as a failure, probably.

- People that look like actual people. All the supporting characters look like they exist. They look like people you've seen on the subway or at carnivals or whatever. Casting on this movie is fucking top notch.

- Actual weird shit. I love when horror movies stick actually weird real shit in them. You see some fucking freaks in this movie. Real deformed shit. It's a dope scene. I love shit like that.

- Great gore once it comes. So fucking memorable, too. This movie is so fucking cool, I swear to god.

- Little kid character isn't annoying, like in most movies with little kids in them.

- Creepy characters that aren't evil. I love when this happens in a horror movie. You're like 'who the fuck's gonna be the killer, when's this movie gonna pick up pace, i bet it's that guy' and it's never that guy. It's always another guy. I love creepy people just chilling in a horror movie.

- I could go on and on, just see this fucking movie. Any real horror fan who doesn't like this movie needs to drop the genre and start watching some other genre cause you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

What's Bad

Nothing, it's perfect. Fuck you.

What Did You Learn

- One of the weirdest, most awkward scenes ever in a horror movie has the capacity to turn me on. You'll know what scene I'm talking about, but I doubt you'll react how I did. It's not like I had a big fucking hard-on pointing skyward, it just turned me on slightly. Not visibly at all. Don't judge me.

- They don't make movies like this anymore. This movie could only exist when it came out.

- This movie needs to be fucking seen, I swear to god.

- Someone needs to start a horror movie tits screen cap website. If that already exists, I'll be so happy. I'm gonna google right after this.

What Else

See the movie. It's perfect, to me.