High School Dream

I had a dream last night that I was back in High School, and it was the first day of classes in a new school year. I went to my first few, but my dreams always skip me through boring parts, so I don't remember what happened in those classes. I just know that I went to them. Do your dreams do that? No? They don't love you. My dreams are full of love and abridged for my pleasure.

So I was skipped to after those first few classes, and I'm deciding I'm not going to go to the next one, since it was one I hadn't even signed up for, and didn't need to graduate; obviously an error on my schedule. I decide to cut, knowing it wouldn't matter since I'd get my guidance counselor to remove the class first thing tomorrow, and then I get caught almost immediately; something that never would happen to me back during my High School career, but it'd been years, so I was surely rusty.

The security guard that caught me then dragged me off to a classroom in the basement, where I sat in front of a 'jury of my peers' who were there to decide a punishment for my infraction. Said jury was comprised entirely of thuggish kids assumedly endowed in the criminal arts. These kids glared at me as if I were a pile of fresh, seran-wrapped, all-white meat with eyes. The moderator, a butch lesbian gym teacher I had back in the day, oblivious to the preposterousness of this trial, then began it.

I did pretty will with my jury. I cursed a lot, and came off really affably gangster. They were surely going to let me off with a light sentence, if they even gave me one at all. When the trial ended, I was found not guilty. I was elated, and thanked each and every juror personally with a respective complicated handshake. The jurors then filed out of the room, and it was just me and the gym teacher. She explained to me that I could leave now, but on one condition: that I take some pills that work really well on student morale. I explained that I didn't want to take any pills I hadn't discussed with my parents first. She told me that I couldn't call them unless I took the pills. So I ran. I ran far, and fast.

I ran to a mountain and rock climbed it to the top, where I dropped dozens of boulders on her, crushing her. She was gone.

The End.

Possible Explanations For My Tiger Dream

The following are possible explanations for my tiger dream. Keep in mind that these are only one man's opinion. If you are seeking the opinion of more than one man, or a different man, click here. (Ha! There are none.)

Also, if you have your own opinion on what my tiger dream means, please feel free to comment on this post. Only the best opinions will be accepted! If your opinion was of objectively low-quality you will not see your opinion appear on this website.

Theory Number One

I have a giant stuffed tiger. I've had it since I was 10 or so. My grandparents got it for me at a Christmas Tree Shops.

INTERJECTION #1

Have you ever noticed that Christmas Tree Shops is actually the name of the store, not the name of all their stores? If you look at their store it says Christmas Tree Shops on it. Not Christmas Tree Shop. The store is plural.


I make nothing up.

END OF INTERJECTION #1

I was so happy when I got the stuffed tiger. It's really quite giant. I'd always wanted a giant stuffed animal as a youth, like the ones at F.A.O. Schwartz.

INTERJECTION #2

When I was a child of like 6 or 7 I had an F.A.O. Schwartz shirt that said "F A O" on it. Have you ever noticed that the letter O is kinda shaped like the letter G? I was called a fag. I never wore the shirt again.

END OF INTERJECTION #2

Maybe the tiger in the dream represents my youth, and my inability to embrace it? Maybe I'm scared of being young? When I was young all I wanted to do was be older, and not have to go to school, or be around immature people that I didn't want to be around. Maybe this tiger running around in the meadow is my youth chasing me, dying for me to embrace it. Then when it bites me, I realize youth not so bad, and I have nothing to be afraid of.

Problems With This Theory

It's kinda flimsy. I've always despised entitlement, and the concept of grown-ups. I hate respecting elders. I respect people on an individual basis. Age tells you nothing about someone. Also, I have no problems with kid stuff. I saw Kung Fu Panda, and enjoyed myself. The only things I hated about my youth were the other kids that were dicks, and school. This theory doesn't really work.

Theory Number Two

Tiger represents the random, the chaotic; that which cannot be predicted. I'm a hypochondriac, and whenever I get sick I think I've caught some sort of disease. Maybe the dream was about me embracing the fact that in life, shit happens, there is as much chaos as there is order, and that's not a bad thing; it's just a thing, and I have nothing to be scared of. Then later, when I watch a nature documentary I realize that I'm not alone, that everyone is in the same boat when it comes to chaos. It affects and effects us all, and none of us are truly alone with tragedy.

Problems With This Theory

Not much. This theory kicks ass and could very well be the message of the dream. It makes more sense than the first theory.

Theory Number Three

Tiger is a giant, hungry vagina. My wrist is my penis. The movie is a porno.

Problems With This Theory

Everything.

Okay

Submit theories of your own. Even though I'm leaning towards Theory Number Two, I'm open to other thoughts. Also, feel free to presuppose shit about me. I don't care. Make it interesting. Interesting is cooler than fact.

To Be Continued...

I Had A Dream Last Night I Was Bit By A Tiger

This is a tiger:



I had a dream last night I was bit by one.

! ! !

In my dream, I was in one of the meadows in Prospect Park. It was a sunny weekend day, and there were a lot of people around. I was with some friends but I don't remember who. You forget these kinds of things when you get bit by a tiger.



Suddenly people start screaming in the park. There's commotion afoot. I look around, and theres an orange thing running around and people in jumpsuits trying to wrangle it. It's running fast, and on all fours. It's a tiger.

People run and scream and dart every which way. The tiger is running in big spirals around the meadow. I don't know what to do or where to go. I feel like I'm stuck in the ocean and there's a crazy shark. Only it's not a crazy shark. It's a tiger.

The tiger is closer to me now and I'm running from it, but it can run faster than me and it always makes it to wherever in the meadow I run before me. It's not running after me per se, me and the tiger just want to be in the same place at the same time it seems. Anyway, now the tiger is like fifteen feet from me. It's close as shit. I back up slowly from it, and it darts at me. The people in jumpsuits can't do shit. I brace myself for the tiger coming at me and put my hands up. The tiger bites me in the wrist.

The tiger's mouth stays on my wrist, its teeth IN my wrist, for a long time. It hurts but it's not as bad as I thought it'd be. I thought my wrist would come the fuck off, but it doesn't. Also there's not really any blood. The tiger chews a bit on the wrist and then hurries off. Then the tiger comes back and does it again.

He bites my wrist again, same shit, not so bad, not that it doesn't hurt, it's just not so bad. Then the tiger runs off again and this time it's wrangled. I walk away holding my wrist, which is now bleeding slightly and swollen, and go to a movie. A movie about nature.

I'm in a movie theater with a tiger-bitten wrist watching a nature documentary when I wake up.

A FUCKING TIGER BIT ME