Movie Review: Chocolate

Chocolate
Directed by Prachya Pinkaew
110 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
I'm a big martial arts movie fan, and I've loved Pinkaew and Tony Jaa's output so far. When I saw the trailer for this online a while back, I couldn't wait to see it. This girl was being heralded as the female Tony Jaa, and her moves seemed top notch. Found out a few days ago that the thai DVD of this was out, ordered it on ebay, and it came today.

What Are You Not Doing With This Movie
Buy this movie if you love Tony Jaa. Buy this movie if you love martial arts. Buy this movie if you love martial arts without stunt doubles or CGI or wires. Buy this movie just cause. Fuck, it's good.

What's So Good About It
Great pace, concept, and execution. Phenomenal action sequences. These guys are really devoted to their craft, and they get hurt a lot too as a result. The credits are full of what injuries occurred. I also think this is probably the best movie since Kill Bill for girls. Girls need movies where girls kick ass. There are too many movies with girls in incredibly insulting roles where they don't get to do shit but stand there while other people kick ass.

What Are You A Feminist
I'm pro people kicking ass. I think if more people kicked some ass this world would be a better place. If I went out with a girl and she punched me in the face I'd marry her and kick her in the ribs. I'm not talking about angry or evil violence, I'm talking about what's good and healthy. We'd have stronger kids than you'd ever think possible. They'd change the world and fight crime. I'd fuck and fight my wife every night and make even more kids. They'd all grow up to be great people.

Movie Review: Out For Justice

Out For Justice
Directed by John Flynn

91 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
Steven Seagal rules, I don’t give a fuck. People say he’s washed up, his acting sucks, and he fights wooden, but those people haven’t seen him in his prime. He was once the fucking man. I’ve seen Above The Law, Hard To Kill, and Under Siege. According to Seagalogy, my new bible, this one’s even better than those, so I picked it up for three dollars on half.com a few weeks ago, and finally got a chance to watch it last night.

What Is This Amazing Movie Holy Fuck
This is not only his best movie, but it’s definitely one of my top three favorite action movies of all time. It’s unlike any other action movie I know, and it doesn’t miss a fucking beat. Not one scene in this entire movie drags. Damn near every other line is quotable. The action is fantastic. I want to watch this movie again right now.

What I Learned From This Movie
- If you use a weapon against Seagal, it will be used against you.
- A true man solves his problems not with the entire NYPD police force at his disposal, but with an unmarked car and a shotgun.
- If Seagal says he hopes to see you again, he will see you again, and he will hurt you.
- Dogs can be kept in locked cars all night and be fine, as long as you buy two bags of 'puppy dog food' and a six-pack of seltzer and leave them unopened next to it.

What Do You Mean There’s Gotta Be Some Stuff That Sucks About It
No, nothing. I’m fucking serious, this is a great movie. I laughed and cheered throughout and I wish I could see it on a big screen so fucking badly.

What Else
Nothing else. Go see this movie right fuck now, I don’t care who you are. Anyone who doesn’t like this movie is a shit head.

Movie Review: Cannibal The Musical

Cannibal: The Musical

Directed by Trey Parker

96 min.



What Am I Doing With This Movie
I bought it for three dollars at a Gamestop back when Gamestop sold used DVD’s. Is that just a regional thing, or is that across the country? In NYC they don’t sell used DVD’s anymore. It’s a shame because you could always find cheap gems if you sifted through. Anyway, I just never ended up watching it.

What Am I Knowing About Said Movie Going In
Made in college by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Got picked up by Troma. Gory stuff. Musical stuff.

What I Am Knowing After Said Movie Finished
There are a lot of funny jokes in this, some gut-busting. There are jokes that miss too, and parts that drag, but it was made by students on their vacations. If this were a big production, I’d be harsher on it, but I know what it’s like to work with limitations, and I’ve seen a lot of student-made crap. This is definitely not student-made crap. You can tell by watching this movie that Trey Parker and Matt Stone were brilliant way before South Park, and naturals waiting for an audience to catch up with them.

What About The Gory Stuff
I’m fully desensitized to movie gore, so I’m a bad judge on what’s gory or not, but this is Monty Python type stuff to me. Fun stuff, not scary stuff.

What About The Musical Stuff
A few of them are phenomenal, a few are forgettable. The main one will be stuck in your head forever.

What Else
Don’t be discouraged just cause this is an uneven student film. There are some truly hilarious moments in here that can’t be missed, especially if you’re a fan of Trey and Matt’s other work. Remember, this isn’t a student film by your stoner friends at Brooklyn College shot on VHS-C, this is a student film by two guys who changed animated comedy forever.

Movie Review: Defending Your Life

Defending Your LIfe

Directed by Albert Brooks

112 min.

(out of 5)

What Am I Doing With This Movie
It was on Universal HD and I DVR’d it. DVR’d movies will be getting reviews, too.

What I Know About Albert Brooks
Enough. More than skateboarding, at least. I’ve seen Lost In America (Great) The Muse (Good, underrated) Looking For Comedy in the Muslim World (Borderline passable) and I generally like his vibe.

What Is This Stuff Coming Out Of My Eyes
This movie made me cry.

What
Yes, and I don’t cry from movies often. The only movies I’ve cried during are Fall, The Brown Bunny, and 3-Iron. Never as hard as during this movie though.

What Is It That Has Caused The Eye Leak
I just got out of a relationship, and though it ended amicably and we’re still great friends, there was a lot of tragedy to it. Certain things in this movie paralleled what I'd went through, and thus struck a chord. Not even a dinky three-note power chord, I mean a fucking barred F right across the first fret; heavy and painful to the un-callused.

What About The Rest Of The Movie
It’s a very good movie. Only drags in a few spots (both during two early trial scenes) so I can’t give it the full five stars, but otherwise it’s pitch-perfect. Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep have a phenomenal chemistry.

What Are You Gonna Do Now
Continue with my life.

What You’re Not Gonna Go Keep Crying
Fuck you.

What Else Do You Have To Say For Yourself
I did my best. She did her best. We made the right decision for both of us.

What Else About The Movie I Mean Like Fun Facts Or Whatever
I dunno, Rip Torn is in it?

What I Could Have Learned That On IMDB In My Sleep
How about that Albert Brooks was born Albert Einstein?

What Dude That Is Like Seriously On Albert Brooks' IMDB
Leave me alone. I need tissues.

Movie Review: Fruit of the Vine

Fruit of the Vine

A Super 8 Film by Coam Nichols & Rick Charmoski

Approx. 50 Min.

(out of 5)

What Am I Doing With This Movie
I did a favor for a friend who had a film released by Plexifilm, so he gave me a few Plexifilm DVD’s to repay me, and this was one of them.

What I Know About Skating
I don’t know very much about skating. Most of what I do know about it, I learned from the first few Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater games— which is to say I know names of tricks and well-known skaters, as well as what they’d look like rendered in polygons. Everything else I know is pretty much common knowledge: Tony Hawk did a ‘900’, Stacy Peralta discovered some skaters in ‘Dogtown’, the black stuff is called grip tape, etc. Now you know where I’m coming from.

What I Learned From This Movie
There are a lot of abandoned or unkempt pools in southern California in poor neighborhoods that used to be white middle class neighborhoods. Skaters sneak onto these properties, clean up the pools, and skate in them. Sometimes they don’t get caught, sometimes the owners or police get angry at the skaters, and a few times the owners are cool with them skating in the pool, because they’re polite and clean up the pool.

What’s Cool About This Movie
There’s a lot of good Super 8 footage of pool skating, and it’s a decent slice of life.

What This Movie Lacks
It’d be nice to know more about the dudes you’re watching skating, but you learn basically nothing about them. Also, it drags in parts, and could have been fleshed out a bit more. I’m assuming they were just doing what they could with the footage they had, but the pace is off. Feels unfinished. I don’t really feel any pull to watch it ever again, and if I did, I’d probably just put it on for vibe.

What Else
The catalog number is 002, so I’m assuming this is the second Plexifilm release.
They use the font Impact a lot in this movie.
Watching a skater skate a fish pond is funny.

Movies I Own But Haven't Watched Yet

The following are all movies I own, but haven't watched yet. This is usually due to:
1) Finding a particular DVD extremely cheap, knowing I'll probably like it, and purchasing it.
2) DVD's that were gifts from other people, and have put off watching just cause I forget about them.

The list my seem like a lot, but I own five or six times the amount I haven't seen. Still, I don't like that there are all these movies in my house waiting to be watched, so I'm gonna start working my way through them, and as I do, reviewing them on here.

Here's the list:
(As I watch these, I'll mark them by crossing them out)

Action
A Fistful of Dollars

Death Race 2000

Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry

Duck, You Sucker

Fire Down Below

For A Few Dollars More

The Glimmer Man

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

Out For Justice

Over The Top

Anime
Akira


Bottle Fairy

Captain Herlock

Fighting Spirit

Human Crossing

Lupin The Third

Master Keaton

Paranoia Agent

Samurai Champloo

Sherlock Hound

Comedy
Being There

Cannibal The Musical

The Film Crew: Wild Women of Wongo

Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead

Documentary
Fruit of the Vine

Wise Old Little Boy

Drama

Interiors

Ladyhawke

Possession

September


Foreign
Aguirre, The Wrath of God

The Castle

A Chinese Odyssey: Part One

A Chinese Odyssey: Part Two

Christo & Jeanne-Claude: Christo in Paris

Christo & Jeanne-Claude: Islands

Christo & Jeanne-Claude: Running Fence

Christo & Jeanne-Claude: Umbrellas

Cobra Verde

Code Unknown

Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge

The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser

Even Dwarfs Started Small

Fata Morgana

Fight Back To School 2

Fight Back To School 3

Fist of Fury 1991

Fitzcarraldo

Hard Boiled

The Killer

Lawyer Lawyer

Legend of the Black Scorpion

Lessons of Darkness

Little Dieter Needs To Fly

The Lucky Guy

My Best Fiend

My Hero

Nosferatu: Phantom Der Nacht

The Piano Teacher

Return of the Sister Street Fighter

Romper Stomper

Royal Tramp 1

Royal Tramp 2

Sister Street Fighter: Fifth Level Fist

Sister Street Fighter: Hanging By A Thread

Sixty Million Dollar Man

Stroszek

Tricky Master

Woyczek

Horror
Ghost Chase

Jack Frost

Night of the Comet

Puppet Master 3-8

Slime City

Song of the South

Sci-Fi
Alien Nation

Captain America

Fantastic Four (Original)

Stargate

TV Series
Adventures of Brisco County Jr.

Alien Nation

Angel
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Doctor Who: Tomb of the Cybermen

Doctor Who: Green Death

Doctor Who: Androids of Tara

Doctor Who: Power of Kroll

Doctor Who: Armageddon Factor

Doogie Howser M.D.
Joe 90

Kids of Degrassi Street

Kung Fu

The Prisoner
Rocky & Bullwinkle
The Secret Service
Terrahawks

Time Slip

Ultraman

A Bye in the Park: Summer 2006

The rain is frightening

And the park is bare

My canvas shoes

Are gonna need the dry cleaner

I say

You’re the one

Who wanted to see me

She says

Right

I step closer

She steps closer

So this is it

I say

What do you mean

I mean you’re leaving

So

So this is big

I kick some bark and hug her

She puts her head on my shoulder

You talk so tough

I say

But you’re always so soft in my arms

What do you want me to do

Nothing

I kiss her

We kiss for a while

And then I feel the need to cry

What

She says

I put my head on her shoulder and begin

She holds me tight

We never had a chance

I say

I know

She says

To start anything real

Or normal

It’s not that far though

Yeah well

We can still have sex on holidays

I dry my eyes

Let’s go

We leave that part

And walk until there’s a pretzel guy

And I buy her one

Thanks

She says

I take a piece of it

Goodbye

I chew it and turn

Goodbye

She says

With her mouth full

Salisbury, England: Summer 2005

Ugh

A nice day-long hunger

Weakening me

Mmm

I can taste it

It tastes like my breath

Sniff

My sheets for tonight

Thank you Hostel

Exhale

This guy underneath me snoring

Like it’s the right thing to do

Like he’s helping the room of eight

Another sniff

These sheets smell

Like so many people

Oh

What it’ll be like to eat a meal tomorrow

After none today

More snoring

Fine be my clock or something

Bright light

I actually fell asleep

God is a nice person

Five Thirty

You’ve got to be kidding

All these people are getting up

Five Forty Five

I’ll take a shower

Then sip tea and play solitaire

Until the girlfriend comes down

Stir

I wonder if the women’s dorm was quieter


Shuffle

This game is inherently flawed

Smile

There she is

She looks so good

Blah

Blah blah baby blah

Blah baby blah

Gasp

Doors to the food are open

Fucking finally

Sniff

Barely any of this is vegan

But I am starving

Grab

The stuff that isn’t meat

Eat

Eat eat eat eat

Eat eat eat eat

Baby

Let’s go to the bank

And then get some Subway

She says

Yes

Fucking yes

I say

I

Love you

She says

I

Love you too

I say

Sick: Autumn 2007

Just let me in, Darling

Let me be me

Let me treat you

How I see you, Baby

That thing that I’ve got

Couldn’t possibly

Penetrate you, Sweetness

But it did and I don’t

Understand anything, Lovely

And now that we’re equal

I can do anything, Honey

So let’s go, Pretty

Let’s get out of here

Pretty soon, Gorgeous

We can start over

When we’re gone, Beauty

And it was going to happen anyway, Heaven

Another Night: Autumn 2007

Don’t wake me

I scrawl onto printer paper

And affix to my door

With a scrap of clear tape

From the side of a box

Shutting my computer down

I sigh and rub my face circularly

As I think of you

Enjoying your 2 AM

In fucking California

Brooklyn birds wake happily

I shut my windows tight

Blast the big AC

Creating a fat noise

So I can sleep nice

A dream comes quickly

I’m watching TV in it

New episode of Lost

Better than I could write

Had I been awake

At noon I get up to pee

I do so with shut eyes

Come back to bed

Pet the cat now in it

And sleep close to her fur

At 2PM

I’m ready for a day

Spend it great

Better half with art

Later half with you

Writing wirelessly

Vacation: Summer 2007

It’s earlier than you’d ever believe I’d be up

And everything is spinning as slow as possible

As I chew yogurt and granola

And listen to the Andrews Sisters

On the car’s radio

Not sleeping makes me feel the world

And I could cry at the drop of anything

I feel weak and I crave a guitar

And the sun to go down

My own bedding

PAX TV back at the hotel

And I’m bawling

As Tony Danza builds an ark

And I struggle to sleep

Wake up stoic

Another day of vacation

And another without you

Or the reason why I was born

And swimming is fun and all

But I miss calluses

Selfless: Autumn 2007

Oh to have you

Hold your hand

Really hold it

Inside and out

Guide you up

Build your head

Take your turns

Like my own

Kiss your face

Feel my love

Quiet rocking

As I fuck you

Out of life

The Quagmire: Autumn 2007

I wake well into the day

To the groan

Of your car’s withdrawal

Smokey steam

Fills the room

From your recent shower

Your lipstick like

Bullet shells

On the Motel floor

A white sleep shirt

Droops off the TV

The war is over

Irish Marriage (Italics by Nadia)

Irish Marriage (Italics by Nadia)

Maybe when we were married in Ireland I was always happy
in the sun lying in the greenest grass you've ever seen
and having kids
while our kids danced a jig
beautiful kids
and we wore giant sweaters
and your beautiful big belly
made of the wool
your big pregnant belly
from our sheep
kissing your belly
and our faces aching every night
before we went to sleep
your protruding belly button
because we smiled too much
during the day
your big fucking milk breasts
and the lake and the swans
and our fireplace
and your smile of accomplishment
after each day
and your homeschooling
in the school house behind the house
where you shear sheep when the season came
and all our children have traditional gaelic names
and the garlic in the food
and the potatoes
and your big milk breasts
and your big fertile cock

Girl in my bed: Autumn 2005

Girl in my bed

This girl in my bed
Wears smiles proudly
Doesn’t try them on first
Or see what they’d go best with
She has the strength not to cry
When she sees my harpoon wounds
Tells me I’ll be okay
As she holds my hand tightly
I believe in her words
As I believe in cold oceans
And when her whole body moans
I know I’ll get better