Movie Review: Marked For Death

Marked For Death
Directed by Dwight H. Little
94 min.



This movie kicks fucking ass. It's retarded as hell, and for the majority of the time, wonderfully retarded; counting toothpicks and cards for Tom Cruise like nobody's business. In a few instances though, the retardation hurts the movie, like Samuel L. Jackson's crazy homeless guy fist crashing against his crazy homeless guy head.*

Good Retardations

- The movie is about the Jamaican drug mob destroying small town America and performing voodoo curses on people that get in their way. That's a good fucking plot line right there, I don't give a fuck. Don't act like you don't want to see that fucking movie. Don't act like your brain didn't run tons of possible cool scenes in your head when you read that shit, and quite frankly, if it didn't, you don't need to be reading my movie reviews. My movie reviews are catered to those who when hearing that plot line, there brain immediately starts running cool scenes it thinks might occur, because it can't fucking wait to see it.

- Keith David is Seagal's sidekick. Yes, Keith David from They Live! Holding and using guns again! Fighting people! Is your dick hard yet?

- Seagal's lines, as always. I won't ruin a single one cause those are always best when they catch you off guard. In fact, there's a lot of this movie that I really shouldn't ruin. I'm gonna cut my good retardations list short here. This is one of those movies where you just have to trust me it kick ass, and go see it.

Bad Retardations

- Shitty Jamaican accents. Not quite Jar Jar Binks level, but close to it. Shitty bad guy lines and behavior overall, actually.

"EVERYBODY WANT GO HEAVEN BUT NOBODY WANT DEAD."
No, there were no typos or grammatical errors made by me in that quote. That shit was verbatim as fuck.

I hate it when the bad guys suck in a movie. These bad guys fucking suck. They're stupid as hell. I hate action movies with stupid bad guys. That's why I can't get down with a movie Rumble in the Bronx, which has great action, but bad guys where you'd be surprised if they don't stare at the sky when it's raining and fucking drown. The bad guys in this aren't quite at that level, but they're damn close. These guys are supposed to be the top drug mob? Doesn't make any fucking sense. Takes you right out of the movie, which is never good when you're watching a retarded movie in the first place. Makes you feel dirty. Makes you wonder why you even sat down to watch it, instead of a 'good movie'. Bad retarded fucks a mind up.

- Useless love interest. She does nothing the whole movie, and he doesn't even fuck her. I won't even talk about her more than that. She's wholly forgettable.

- And the biggest bad retardation of all, non-anamorphic widescreen, which means it'll look like fucking garbage on your 16:9 TV. Watch this on something 4:3. Fucking bullshit.

Conclusion

I know you're probably saying to yourself that doesn't seem like a lot of bad retardation, but trust me it is. These bad guys suck, the love interest sucks, so I can't in good conscience give this any more than 3 1/2 stars. See it anyway though, because there's a lot of really great stuff that happens; the kind shit that will make you jump out of your seat and yell and have a good time, which is the reason you're watching one of these movies in the first place. Keep your eyes on the good retardation, and suffer through the bad retardation. I won't be upset if you fast forward through stupid stuff.

*Alright, that movie reference was a little more obscure than the Rain Man one. The Samuel L. Jackson movie I'm referencing is The Caveman's Valentine, a shitty but ambitious movie where Samuel L. Jackson plays a crazy homeless guy trying to solve the murder of a boy. As awesome as that sounds, you don't need to see it, trust me. Also, for the record, I don't even think he punches himself in the head in it. He might at one point, but I honestly don't remember. I chose to reference it because it was the first crazy homeless guy movie I could think of. Now that I think about it though, he was in Resurrecting the Champ too, where played a different homeless guy. He's not self-destructive in that one though, so that wouldn't have worked. Hell, he might not even be self-destructive in Caveman's Valentine, cause honestly I barely remember that shit other than that I didn't like it. Fuck it though, I'm not changing the simile.