Cody Clarke's Prose & Poetry

This blog is being moved to WordPress!

2010-05-07T00:43:00.002-04:00

Any new poetry and prose of mine will now be appearing on codyclarke.wordpress.com so update your RSS feed, change your links, etc.

This blog won't be deleted any time soon, so consider it an archive.

Thanks for reading, and hope to see you on WordPress!

Toothpaste

2010-01-31T16:51:00.002-05:00

Toothpaste
by Cody Clarke

They discontinued my favorite toothpaste
and I found out months after the fact

Everything happens like this
Your favorite objects die just like your favorite people do

Silently and far away

taking a slow and broken train
cross country
to tell you

Arriving as casual words from the TV or a friend
so casual they're just fingertips tapping your shoulder
startling you with their lightness

As much as we'd like to believe we're impervious
and that our own deaths won't go down this way

there are people who love you
more than you will ever know
that won't find out for ages

Wolves

2010-01-30T05:07:00.003-05:00

Wolves
by Cody Clarke

The moon is full and baring down on me
though I can't see it

The clouds are thick as porridge
protecting me as best they can
but I still feel the moon like a magnet
repelling me into the dirt

I can feel the hate and disappointment in my
sinuses and forehead
like my third eye is rotting

and all my work
everything I've done either creatively or for money
is droplets of blood on toilet paper

I wish these feelings were memories
and not my current state of mind

I'm not writing this from the past
and I'm certainly not writing it from the future

I'm writing this in the ever-changing present
waiting the eternity between this night
and tomorrow morning
when I'll feel a little better

and put my nose to the grindstone
and serve the universe amidst wolves

Even in prison there are still wolves
and even in solitary confinement there are still wolves

so you might as well let them have at you some nights

States

2010-01-06T04:16:00.001-05:00

States
by Cody Clarke

and here we are
naked
embracing

with so much water in us
flowing through our bodies

and sapling hairs dot our skin completely

our heads like grand ancient trees

the hot air from our lungs
nurturing our whole landscape
as our breath wisps down it

and the roads of our hand prints
and the caverns of our crevasses

we're states
united

we're only two strong
but we're enough for a country

and the ideals
the freedom of speech we have

the respect
the liberty
and the happiness

we're a utopia
and the only one possible

the united states started with so much
and now it's just a crib death

while love is old as sin
and will be here forever
god bless us all

My Top 10 Films of 2009

2009-12-19T19:03:00.007-05:00

1. Inglourious Basterds
2. The Hurt Locker
3. Watchmen
4. Fantastic Mr. Fox
5. Drag Me To Hell
6. Whatever Works
7. Michael Jackson's This is It
8. Funny People
9. Observe & Report
10. The Hangover

Women into Pumpkins

2009-11-18T04:44:00.002-05:00

Women into Pumpkins
by Cody Clarke

They can get built up so big
in pictures or in your head
but they're all just pumpkins

and the moment you realize that
in the heat of things
it hits you like an empty sandwich

You can carve a perfect hole
with your glistening hard knife
dreaming of pumpkin pie

but when you reach in it's always
guts and stench
no matter the face you carve

Whether love is there or isn't
was there or moved away
candles live to burn out

and every year you're stuck
with a squash to dispose
and a loud trash truck
dragging her away

Really Good Smut is back!

2009-11-05T23:46:00.003-05:00

Just a note that the world-famous erotica blog I contribute to, Really Good Smut, is back from hiatus. Please subscribe and read!

http://reallygoodsmut.blogspot.com

MOVIE REVIEW: Castle Freak

2009-10-22T22:36:00.006-04:00

Castle Freak (1995)

Dir. by Stuart Gordon
95 min.

Stuart Gordon is the only horror director that can make me cringe. I've done so during every movie of his I've seen. As far as I'm concerned, he's the most underrated dude still doing it, and his work in the last few years is the best he's ever done.

Though I didn't cringe as much as during Stuck (2007), Castle Freak is definitely his most gruesome film to date. It's unrated, and if it were to be rated by the MPAA, would no doubt receive an NC-17.

Gordon always pushes the envelope with his images, toying with his audience. He holds on the gore when you expect he might cut away from it, he cuts when you expect he might hold. In addition to that, he paints his horrific images with a very fine brush. Though the horrific acts may be similar to other films (after all, there are only so many horror situations in the world) his gore always looks different from anyone else, which is a great lesson for anyone looking to get into making horror. It's a crucial way to stray from the pack.

The only thing preventing me from giving this five stars is that the script could have been way more interesting. They had all the pieces of a compelling story there, but it didn't really gel together cohesively. That said, I adore every other aspect of this movie, and highly recommend it. It's one of his best, and at $5.99 new on Amazon.com, it's a must own.

Big Ball of Twine

2009-10-15T22:13:00.006-04:00

Big Ball of Twine
by Cody Clarke

In this world 
a big ball of twine
 on green grass 
warmed by white sun

is actually under a cement roof 
hardly sphere at all 
and smelly

The World’s Largest Ball of Twine
 is a disappointment

Watching you stare at it 
sipping your diet soda
 having your great ass

I wish I could kiss 
every tiny golden hair 
on your skin
 individually

and later I treat you like 
the Jolly Green Giant
 of hotel beds

scaling your body with my tongue
 worshiping you as a false idol

You’re five foot one 
sunburned
and undernourished

but you wear the road
 beautifully

Let’s never go home

Top 20 Favorite Films Since 1992 (Final List)

2009-10-04T01:12:00.003-04:00

Here's my final list. This is definitive. It will be on my gravestone, along with your mom's phone number:

Top 20 Favorite Films Since 1992

01. Groundhog Day (1993)
02. Buffalo '66 (1998)
03. Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and Spring (2003)
04. Rushmore (1998)
05. Unbreakable (2000)
06. Dogville (2003)
07. Magnolia (1999)
08. The Big Lebowski (1998)
09. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
10. Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2 (2003, 2004)
11. The Sixth Sense (1999)
12. The Wrestler (2008)
13. Superbad (2007)
14. Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (1999)
15. Fall (1997)
16. The Hurt Locker (2008)
17. 3-Iron (2004)
18. Grosse Pointe Blank (1997)
19. Office Space (1999)
20. Team America (2004)

Three honorable mentions:

21. Tony Takitani (2004)
22. The Dreamers (2003)
23. Sweet & Lowdown (1999)

The end! I love you all.

xoxo
Britney Spears

MUSIC REVIEW: Kiss - Sonic Boom

2009-09-22T19:31:00.005-04:00

KISS - Sonic Boom
by Cody Clarke

KISS has had some seriously bad album covers. In a career spanning 35 years and counting, they've had only four that are attractive: Kiss, Destroyer, Love Gun, and Alive. Each of those covers are gorgeous, and not just in comparison to the ugly ones. They are iconic, and capture the spirit of the band perfectly.

Excluding their work between '74 and '77, every bad album cover KISS has put out has had equally bad music accompanying it. Though there are a few diamond in the rough songs that serve as exceptions to the rule (such as I Was Made For Lovin' You and Crazy Crazy Nights) for the most part the rule is solid, and only proven more so with KISS' latest release, Sonic Boom.

If the songs on this album represent KISS' definition of a sonic boom, I have reason to believe that they are deaf and pulling a Hollywood Ending-esque bluff. You couldn't create blander rock if you programmed a robot to do it for you. The only positive thing I can say is that Simmons' and Stanley's voices are still strong, no doubt due to the lack of booze and drugs throughout their career.

Stick to singing the classics that everybody loves. Who knows how much longer your voices will still be worth a damn? You wouldn't sing garbage from The Elder on your new tour, so don't waste your gift with this either.

Top 20 Favorite Films since 1992 (Ongoing)

2009-09-02T17:00:00.006-04:00

Inspired by the video in which Tarantino lists his 20 favorite films since 1992, I'm attempting to do the same. He chose the year based on it being when Reservoir Dogs came out, but I've realized the year serves as a good cut-off point for me as well, since the majority of my favorite films actually predate the year. With this list, I'll be able to give love to a lot of films that wouldn't have made even a 1972 cut-off list (let alone an all-time one) despite being phenomenal in their own right.

This might take a few weeks to be done. I won't make another entry about it until it is. Though Tarantino didn't list his in order of preference, I'm doing so with mine. It makes it a lot easier for me to determine whether something belongs on it or not. Here's where I'm at right now:

Top 20 Favorite Films since 1992

01. Groundhog Day (1993)
02. Buffalo '66 (1998)
03. Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and Spring (2003)
04. Rushmore (1998)
05. Unbreakable (2000)
06. Dogville (2003)
07. Magnolia (1999)
08. The Big Lebowski (1998)
09. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
10. Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2 (2003, 2004)
11. The Wrestler (2008)
12. Superbad (2007)
13. Office Space (1999)
14. The Hurt Locker (2008)
15. Fall (1997)
16. 3-Iron (2004)
17. Grosse Pointe Blank (1997)
18. Team America (2004)
19. Tony Takitani (2004)
20. The Dreamers (2003)

Honorable Mentions:
These were on the list, but then got bumped off by another film.
- Sweet & Lowdown (1999)

I Drive My Car for God

2009-07-20T04:54:00.003-04:00

I Drive My Car for God
by Cody Clarke

All the time, every day
through boring, busy cities
or on endless highways
I drive my car for God
I clean up for him

I'm a street sweeper
the machine, not the job
there is no choice
behind my actions
just whirring

and all the lives
that I deliver unto him
are like carrots
when they crunch
and they squish

Important Announcement

2009-07-11T01:45:00.002-04:00

I have just received word that apparently, I am considered a 'developing nation':

Have I really been getting that fat? I rely on you, my fans, to straightforwardly and honestly tell me, as insultingly as possible, when I've gained even a slight amount of weight, so that such a problem can be remedied immediately. You have dropped the ball. I blame you in full.

This photo rules.

2009-06-12T03:37:00.001-04:00

lighting
Originally uploaded by francography

This photo rules. That's all I have to say.

~~~o

2009-04-22T01:21:00.001-04:00

Every single one of us was a sperm once

but in the internet age with porn

sperm fertilizing eggs is rarer than ever

we are a dying breed

SEND THIS ALONG TO 15 PEOPLE OR YOUR TRUE LOVE WILL BE JERKED OFF ONTO THE FLOOR AND YOU'LL NEVER MEET HER/HIM

Pain by Cody Clarke

2009-02-04T18:16:00.003-05:00

Pain
by Cody Clarke

Sometimes you stomp into me suddenly
slam the door
and collapse onto my stomach
to cry your eyes out

so I slump in my chair
or wherever I am
waiting
until you can stand

inheriting the pain
too big for your body
wherever you are now
in this world

Mickey Mouse by Cody Clarke

2009-02-02T04:59:00.002-05:00

Mickey Mouse
by Cody Clarke

He occupied two seats of the subway
his ass crack resting right on the split between them
and defended the territory
of the three empty and adjacent seats
against all trying occupants
with a
You can’t sit there
and the timbre of a science teacher
on the impossibility of time travel

His feet were moldy loaves of bread
his legs I forget
and his shirt was Mickey Mouse
large and proud
partially obscured by the cardboard sign
our man wore with string
like librarian glasses
stating simply and in Sharpie
that he loved New York
in words I also forget

I only saw him for the duration of one stop
and he kept quiet except for one burp
that was sort of loud
and then as we entered the station
he got up and waited at the doors
and as they opened he laid a fart
like a bass drum distorted beyond recognition
by a Japanese noise artist
and placed on limited vinyl
to be sold to indie kids
for the price of their allowance

and the man next to me whimpered
and clutched his newly bloody chest
because the fart had had a bullet in it
and the man died before the next stop

Everyone in the subway car went to the funeral
and we all stayed in contact after
and learned sign language together at the YMCA
and helped each other further with it on weekends

and my life is better now and we’re all happier as people

Floors by Cody Clarke

2009-02-01T12:54:00.002-05:00

Floors
by Cody Clarke

High School kids
The freaks, the hipsters
the whatever-they’re-called-now

These kids sit on floors
at concerts
on subways
in the halls
in the street
outside venues

You know this and I know this
and I do not know when this originally started

Probably not as far back as greasers
because although greasers were greasy
I can’t see greasers
huddled around each other
like some sort of 2001: A Space Odyssey
reenactment troupe

but I can see hippies and beatniks doing it
and so for the sake of this poem
we will assume that is where it originates

This poem is not about lineage though
This poem is about the subconscious

Yes, they are doing it because their friends do it
Such is obvious
but deeper than that
deeper than what they realize

Floors equal germs
germs equal colds
colds equal absences

I submit that on a subconscious level
those-who-dress-as-though
-they-would-like-to-be-beat-up
sit on floors
in order to

increase their chance of contracting illness

and thus
decrease the days they have to attend school

This is probably why they do
a lot of other stupid stuff too
with their bodies

but I will not pursue this study further

this is not a subject that interests me enough
to write more stanzas
and list more instances supporting my hypothesis

I just thought it was an interesting thought
maybe not enough for an experiment
or an essay
but enough for poetry
or a haiku:

Kids willingly sit
on ground fit for no ass
School is a prison

John Cusack by Cody Clarke

2009-01-31T05:05:00.007-05:00

John Cusack
by Cody Clarke

When I was nine years old
I saw Grosse Pointe Blank in the movie theater

and it was my favorite movie
and I thought Martin Blank was really cool

so in class
I'd draw John Cusack all the time
in his hitman clothes fighting bad guys

I'm pretty sure
I was the only nine-year-old doing that
in the entire world
and that made me feel special

even more special
than getting to see this R-rated movie
and not have my eyes covered by a parent
since my sister took me

because I had my own special hero
not a Rambo or an Arnold
but a secret hero

John Cusack

and in the 80's
girls drew him in class just like I did
but for other reasons

They didn't love him like I did

They just wanted to kiss his face
and fuck him in a foggy car
which is stupid

he has killing to do
and that's better than sex
when you're a boy that age

because sex you don't wanna draw in class
because then you get hard
and you don't want that
because even if you were old enough
to be able to do something about it
you couldn't in that setting

but killing is great for drawing in class
because it's just as fun as drawing sex
but without the getting hard part

but it's different for girls
because they can get turned on covertly
so drawing killing has no purpose
since they can draw sex freely

They'd like drawing killing too probably
if they had dicks
and couldn't get turned on covertly

and if that were the case
they'd take John Cusack from me in 1997 for sure
and he wouldn't be my obscure secret hero

and then they'd draw him killing every bad person or thing
as well as draw him kissing them
and fucking them in foggy cars

but it'd be worth losing him
because the popularity for that movie would be higher
which would earn it the sequel
it had always deserved

Water by Cody Clarke

2009-01-31T04:29:00.002-05:00

Water
by Cody Clarke

Water doesn't just come from nowhere
That percent you carry
depending on how fat you are

When you were formed in your mother
it came from your mother

and then eventually
I don't know when
but I guess when you're older
(I don't know exactly how long it takes)
all of it has been replaced by new water
from drinking new water

That's something

That's an event
even more interesting than a birthday
even if it can't be precisely measured
only approximately calculated

How does water deep inside you leave though

What makes your gooey organs get less gooey and wet
and need new water
and receive new water

What's the process

Or does it never need new water
Is the water that makes your organs gooey
the same water that's always been in you

It can't be
that's too crazy

I remember going over digestion in school
but I don't remember how water gets distributed
after it gets drank

Your stomach is probably in charge of it
Your stomach does a lot

I don't want to use Google
I'm just gonna give the credit to the stomach
because it deserves it

and if I'm right
the poem is non-fiction
and if I'm wrong
the poem is fiction

Aguirre, the Wrath of God: HIATUS

2009-01-30T04:49:00.004-05:00

I'm not gonna finish the Aguirre the Wrath of God analysis I started on this blog. I know I'm not going to. There's too much I'd like to write about each scene, and it'd turn this blog into solely me doing so. There's no way to write about that movie in short, readable bursts. Well, maybe there is, but I don't know how to. I tried to when it came to the first scene, but there was so much more I wanted to write.

Anyway, maybe one day I'll come back to it and work on it. Not on this blog though. I'm having a much better time just writing poems and posting updates here or there.

Speaking of poetry, I'm working on a poetry book! It's 21 pages so far, so it's very early on... but I wrote 3 poems yesterday and 1 today, so maybe it won't take as long as I think. I don't know. Who knows? I don't.

See ya

Bites by Cody Clarke

2009-01-30T04:38:00.002-05:00

Bites
by Cody Clarke

I used to take bites out of her
and that was all I looked forward to

I hated school
so I'd cut and sleep through the worst classes
in this corner on the 4th floor
where a big green garbage can
blocked me from the sight of guards

and at the end of the day
I'd bring her home with me
and she'd let me chew her flesh
purple and red

We'd do all the other stuff too
but I liked marking her the most
I liked that she'd see spots of me
in the shower in the morning

then the full map
in the medicine cabinet mirror
as she dressed

and the best was when she didn't see it
when I chafed her in class
under the clothes her mother chose for her

We only lasted a few weeks
and when we got back into bed years later
I could barely touch my teeth to her

She was too far gone
and she smelled of tuition

Girlfriend's Mother by Cody Clarke

2009-01-29T13:58:00.005-05:00

Girlfriend's Mother
by Cody Clarke

I opened the door
to see her slide her arms fast
out from between her legs under the covers
and cover her eyes with both hands
blocking the light I'd swung in

I pulled the door shut quickly
and went into the next room down
the correct room
to urinate

When I came out
her bedroom door was open
and she was now sitting
on the side of her bed
turned away from me

I stood and watched her
wipe her forehead
and feel her heartbeat

then realized she was showing me
that she had the same scars
and bruises on my back
as my girlfriend

She turned her head finally
and looked at me in my boxers
in the bright light
sweaty from her daughter

I looked down at the floor
at my shadow stretched out to her
and I closed the door

I went down to the end of the hall
opened the door gently
and saw my girlfriend still dreaming

I climbed into her bed quietly
and stared up at the darkness
for a really long time
and then even longer with my eyes closed

Squeezer by Cody Clarke

2009-01-29T04:16:00.004-05:00

Squeezer
by Cody Clarke

She loves pressing against me
pressing pressing pressing

Like I could never be too close
only too far

I could crush her in my arms
like an important scientific document
in an escaped gorilla's fist
and it'd be less painful
than losing me

I've hugged her really really hard

Harder than I've ever hugged
anyone
and she's a skinny thing
but she takes it with a smile

She just loves it so much
and she's the only one
I've met that does

Girls that were crazy about me
and downright crazy themselves
even they had their limits

But this one

She wants all of me
and she's saner than them all
and smarter
and stronger

She knows she can take it all
and she won't stop squeezing
and it feels so fucking good

Intervention by Cody Clarke

2009-01-29T01:00:00.006-05:00

Intervention
by Cody Clarke

You can date
all the asshole idiots you want
I'm used to that by now

but if you marry one
that's the day I kidnap you
I take you

stick you in the basement with pens
and yellow paper
and starve you
unless you write

like you fucking should be
you fucking floozy

Bernard Pivot Questionnaire

2009-01-08T16:52:00.003-05:00

Bernard Pivot Questionnaire

1. What is your favorite word?
Righteous (I say it too much for my own good, but it never gets old to me)

2. What is your least favorite word?
Venerable (Just can't stand the sound of it, the definition is fine)

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Creativity (For all three)

4. What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Laziness/Ignorance (For all three)

5. What sound or noise do you love?
Meowing

6. What sound or noise do you hate?
Barking

7. What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Chef

9. What profession would you not like to do?
Embalmer

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"It's alright, you can keep going back"

Christmas Gripe: Wham - Last Christmas

2008-12-16T18:57:00.002-05:00

Christmas Gripe:

When the only reference to christmas in your song is the title of the song, repeated at the beginning of each chorus, you're cheating! Wham cheated!

As good and catchy as the song is, it's barely a christmas song. I cannot prove this, but I'm pretty sure they just took a regular ol' single they had up their ass, stuck the word 'christmas' in it, and shipped it off as a christmas song, because there is nothing christmas about the subject matter of the song. The song is about getting your heartbroken by someone, and then this year, not letting it happen again. What is christmas about that? Nothing, except for the fact we are told it happened last christmas. They could've said it happened whenever! The song could have been called Last Year, or Last Time, Last Ramadan for fucks sake.

Nonetheless, it's catchy as fuck, and now that I think of it, what they did was genius. By turning this single into a christmas song, they made it so it would only be listened to at a certain time each year... which means it can never get old, because if you only listen to it in December each year, it's impossible to get sick of it. Fuck Wham for being smart cheaters!

Aguirre, the Wrath of God: Descending the Mountain (Part II)

2008-12-14T23:38:00.004-05:00

Descending the Mountain (Part II)

What do we know about the morality of out adventurers? They've conquered and plundered the Incas, which tells us that they see nothing wrong with murdering and stealing. How do they justify this evil? Later, we learn that they are Christians, traveling with a priest. This tells us that through their personal interpretation of the Bible, their actions are justified; that stealing, murdering, and enslaving (we learn later that they are traveling with slaves in tow) is justified as long as they are the ones doing it. They believe they are superior, because they have interpreted the bible to say they are.

Herzog does not want us to know this about them yet, though. He could've explained it in his written introduction, or possibly shown them coming down the mountain in garish clothing, standing out from the mountain background, in order to convey how superior they feel to the world around them. Instead, he chose to dress them in colors that appear naturally on the mountain:

Until we see them at the lowest point of their trek, they look less like people and more like part of the mountain shifting. This conveys the objectivity of the situation-- that our adventurers are objectively no different than the natural world around them, other than that they are heading downward in an organized fashion. The adventurers represent mankind, and this shot conveys that what sends us downward is delusion, greed, and the perpetration of evil.

This concludes my analysis of this portion of the scene.

Aguirre, the Wrath of God: Descending the Mountain (Part I)

2008-12-14T17:51:00.013-05:00

In this entry, I will show how a portion of the first scene of "Aguirre, the Wrath of God" serves as a synecdoche for a major theme of the movie.

In my previous entry, I said there wouldn't be any spoilers in this one, but I didn't explain what I consider a spoiler. Since everyone has their own barometer of what constitutes a spoiler, I'll give my definition. I see a spoiler as anything the director intended to be a surprise during the first viewing of their movie. If you agree, read on. If not, see the movie first.

Descending the Mountain

The camera tilts down as we follow a faint line of people descending a foggy mountain;

(Click any shot to enlarge)

we see more of the line,

and then finally, the lowest section of it.

This shot tells us the grandiosity of their trek, and through their downward direction and the tone of the music we hear, a sense of foreboding is conveyed. We know this will be a difficult journey-- that much is a given even if they were climbing up instead-- but what more does this shot tell us?

In the brief, written introduction from Werner Herzog that preceded this first scene, we were told the following:

After the conquest and plundering of the Inca empire by Spain, the Indians invented the legend of El Dorado, a land of gold, located in the swamps of the Amazon headwaters. A large expedition of Spanish adventurers, led by Gonzalo Pizarro, set off from the Peruvian highlands in late 1560.

In short: Fresh off a brutal victory, swelling with pride and motivated by greed, our adventurers are embarking in pursuit of something that doesn't exist.

A righteous journey (a journey towards an objective, tangible goal) can be described as a mountain climb: the climb representing the upward, arduous journey that must be persevered, in order to reach the 'mountain top' reward.

In this tale, the reward the adventurers are in pursuit of doesn't exist, and thus, they will never reach their destination or attain any riches. This is why the film starts with their descent down a mountain-- there is no 'mountain top' for them to ever reach, where they're headed. The Peruvian highlands they control was their only 'mountain top', and they abandoning it on a greedy, deluded pursuit.

In the next entry, I will analyze the color palette of this shot, and what that tells us about our adventurers.

To be continued...

Movie Analysis: Aguirre, the Wrath of God

2008-12-13T23:01:00.010-05:00

Aguirre, the Wrath of God

Introduction

I won't be reviewing this movie further than the five star rating I've given it above. Instead, I'll be analyzing key scenes and themes from it, over a series of blog entries. Whether you should read my analyses before or after you've seen the movie is up to you, and how you like viewing movies.

The next entry will be an analysis of the first scene of the movie, which I regard as one of the most beautiful scenes ever filmed. Plot won't be discussed, only the images on screen, so it's spoiler-free.

Really Good Racehorse Names That Aren't Taken

2008-12-13T15:50:00.002-05:00

Really Good Racehorse Names That Aren't Taken
by Cody Clarke

Bruce Lee The Horse

Movie Review: Marked For Death

2008-12-13T03:56:00.007-05:00

Marked For Death
Directed by Dwight H. Little
94 min.

This movie kicks fucking ass. It's retarded as hell, and for the majority of the time, wonderfully retarded; counting toothpicks and cards for Tom Cruise like nobody's business. In a few instances though, the retardation hurts the movie, like Samuel L. Jackson's crazy homeless guy fist crashing against his crazy homeless guy head.*

Good Retardations

- The movie is about the Jamaican drug mob destroying small town America and performing voodoo curses on people that get in their way. That's a good fucking plot line right there, I don't give a fuck. Don't act like you don't want to see that fucking movie. Don't act like your brain didn't run tons of possible cool scenes in your head when you read that shit, and quite frankly, if it didn't, you don't need to be reading my movie reviews. My movie reviews are catered to those who when hearing that plot line, there brain immediately starts running cool scenes it thinks might occur, because it can't fucking wait to see it.

- Keith David is Seagal's sidekick. Yes, Keith David from They Live! Holding and using guns again! Fighting people! Is your dick hard yet?

- Seagal's lines, as always. I won't ruin a single one cause those are always best when they catch you off guard. In fact, there's a lot of this movie that I really shouldn't ruin. I'm gonna cut my good retardations list short here. This is one of those movies where you just have to trust me it kick ass, and go see it.

Bad Retardations

- Shitty Jamaican accents. Not quite Jar Jar Binks level, but close to it. Shitty bad guy lines and behavior overall, actually.

"EVERYBODY WANT GO HEAVEN BUT NOBODY WANT DEAD."
No, there were no typos or grammatical errors made by me in that quote. That shit was verbatim as fuck.

I hate it when the bad guys suck in a movie. These bad guys fucking suck. They're stupid as hell. I hate action movies with stupid bad guys. That's why I can't get down with a movie Rumble in the Bronx, which has great action, but bad guys where you'd be surprised if they don't stare at the sky when it's raining and fucking drown. The bad guys in this aren't quite at that level, but they're damn close. These guys are supposed to be the top drug mob? Doesn't make any fucking sense. Takes you right out of the movie, which is never good when you're watching a retarded movie in the first place. Makes you feel dirty. Makes you wonder why you even sat down to watch it, instead of a 'good movie'. Bad retarded fucks a mind up.

- Useless love interest. She does nothing the whole movie, and he doesn't even fuck her. I won't even talk about her more than that. She's wholly forgettable.

- And the biggest bad retardation of all, non-anamorphic widescreen, which means it'll look like fucking garbage on your 16:9 TV. Watch this on something 4:3. Fucking bullshit.

Conclusion

I know you're probably saying to yourself that doesn't seem like a lot of bad retardation, but trust me it is. These bad guys suck, the love interest sucks, so I can't in good conscience give this any more than 3 1/2 stars. See it anyway though, because there's a lot of really great stuff that happens; the kind shit that will make you jump out of your seat and yell and have a good time, which is the reason you're watching one of these movies in the first place. Keep your eyes on the good retardation, and suffer through the bad retardation. I won't be upset if you fast forward through stupid stuff.

*Alright, that movie reference was a little more obscure than the Rain Man one. The Samuel L. Jackson movie I'm referencing is The Caveman's Valentine, a shitty but ambitious movie where Samuel L. Jackson plays a crazy homeless guy trying to solve the murder of a boy. As awesome as that sounds, you don't need to see it, trust me. Also, for the record, I don't even think he punches himself in the head in it. He might at one point, but I honestly don't remember. I chose to reference it because it was the first crazy homeless guy movie I could think of. Now that I think about it though, he was in Resurrecting the Champ too, where played a different homeless guy. He's not self-destructive in that one though, so that wouldn't have worked. Hell, he might not even be self-destructive in Caveman's Valentine, cause honestly I barely remember that shit other than that I didn't like it. Fuck it though, I'm not changing the simile.

Movie Review: Rachel Getting Married

2008-12-13T00:47:00.017-05:00

Rachel Getting Married
Directed by Jonathan Demme
113 min.

Fuck this movie. I love the direction, the acting, the cinematography, the sound design, the production design-- but the screenplay is a piece of shit. What we have here is a minimalist storytelling written by a woman who doesn't properly understand what minimalism is. Minimalism isn't just about a low number of brushstrokes; it's about choosing said brushstrokes purposefully and expertly to tell a story the way it needs to be told. That was not done here. The screenplay is a mess, and so what we have here is a piece of shit that Demme has polished (and he's done so very well, hence the 2 stars) but it's still a piece of shit at the end of the day.

There are some scenes in this film I love (solely on technical aspects and/or caliber of acting) but I can't stand the sum of these parts. They're just kernels of sweet corn in the pile of shit that this movie is, as a result of its shitty, first draft screenplay. I don't care how many drafts Jenny Lumet went through to end up with the screenplay that was shot, it's still a first draft. If it walks a duck, talks like a duck, and sucks fucking ass like a duck, it's a duck-- and as such, I won't bother detailing any of the reasons why the screenplay is bad, because fuck first drafts. That might sound like a cop out, since technically this is a final draft since they shot it, but fuck that. There are stupid action and horror movies I review on here with solider screenplays than this, so fuck this movie, and fuck Jonathan Demme too for not knowing how shitty the screenplay was.

Guess The Movie: Halloween Edition! SOLUTIONS

2008-11-01T13:38:00.002-04:00

Click to discover the answers to the questions yesterday:

Movie 1: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0266543/

Movie 2: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0246578/

Nobody got that shit right. I think I might continue this shit, it's fun to come up with

Guess The Movie: Halloween Edition!

2008-10-31T16:35:00.008-04:00

Guess The Movie: Halloween Edition!

Movie 1:
A man, his wife, and their newborn children move into a new house. That night, his wife and all but one child are brutally murdered. Five years later, his surviving son is abducted when he runs away from school one day. The abductor then sells the boy to a man who imprisons the boy in a water tank and forces him to view painful surgeries all day long.

The father teams up with a mysterious schizophrenic woman with short-term memory loss and together they race against time to find his son.

Movie 2:
Sex-crazed teenager who feels long, phallic symbols are guiding his every choice becomes infatuated with an elderly woman.

Can you guess them? Comment if you can.

High School Dream

2008-10-24T13:27:00.004-04:00

I had a dream last night that I was back in High School, and it was the first day of classes in a new school year. I went to my first few, but my dreams always skip me through boring parts, so I don't remember what happened in those classes. I just know that I went to them. Do your dreams do that? No? They don't love you. My dreams are full of love and abridged for my pleasure.

So I was skipped to after those first few classes, and I'm deciding I'm not going to go to the next one, since it was one I hadn't even signed up for, and didn't need to graduate; obviously an error on my schedule. I decide to cut, knowing it wouldn't matter since I'd get my guidance counselor to remove the class first thing tomorrow, and then I get caught almost immediately; something that never would happen to me back during my High School career, but it'd been years, so I was surely rusty.

The security guard that caught me then dragged me off to a classroom in the basement, where I sat in front of a 'jury of my peers' who were there to decide a punishment for my infraction. Said jury was comprised entirely of thuggish kids assumedly endowed in the criminal arts. These kids glared at me as if I were a pile of fresh, seran-wrapped, all-white meat with eyes. The moderator, a butch lesbian gym teacher I had back in the day, oblivious to the preposterousness of this trial, then began it.

I did pretty will with my jury. I cursed a lot, and came off really affably gangster. They were surely going to let me off with a light sentence, if they even gave me one at all. When the trial ended, I was found not guilty. I was elated, and thanked each and every juror personally with a respective complicated handshake. The jurors then filed out of the room, and it was just me and the gym teacher. She explained to me that I could leave now, but on one condition: that I take some pills that work really well on student morale. I explained that I didn't want to take any pills I hadn't discussed with my parents first. She told me that I couldn't call them unless I took the pills. So I ran. I ran far, and fast.

I ran to a mountain and rock climbed it to the top, where I dropped dozens of boulders on her, crushing her. She was gone.

The End.

Movie Review: The Funhouse

2008-10-14T04:06:00.005-04:00

The Funhouse
Directed by Tobe Hooper
96 min.

What Am I Doing With This Movie
Fat guy horror dork programming director who loves me, etc. You know the story by now. I was really happy to see this was gonna be on Showtime HD. I love Tobe Hooper, and I'd never seen this one. I actually hadn't even heard of it before I saw it was gonna be on. This is a pretty lesser-known horror movie, but it's generally well liked by those who have seen it.

By the way, I promise you I'll start watching some DVD's I own but haven't watched yet soon, but there's just been really good shit in HD lately. I'm about to review all four Jaws movies! They were in HD! Back to back! Starz is the shit.

What's Good
- Movie starts with some nice, real breasts on a realistically hot chick. That's fucking class. I don't know about you, but I just love that shit. Nothing's hotter to me, or gains more respect from me in a horror film than that. Not that I don't like bombshell chicks bouncing bad fake tits too (that shit is great in it's own way) but that just doesn't gain respect from me per se. I know I'm not alone on this, and don't need to explain it, cause every dude reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about. The girls reading this will just have to ask a dude friend of theirs to explain why it's so hot, and then the dude will go all *exhales* "you wouldn't understand." And it's true. They wouldn't. If women knew the simple shit we think is the hottest fucking shit ever, their entire worlds would come crashing down. They wouldn't be able to walk. Everything they'd been told by TV and ads and other women would be rendered obsolete. I dont even know why I'm uploading this to the web, that there's nothing hotter and more respect-earning in a horror movie than a realistically hot chick with bare, real breasts. Shit, I just said it again, thus drawing more attention to it. Let's move on.

- Pace is tight as fuck. I'm not even going to spoil it, but the pace of this movie is fucking flawless. It's slow in a lot of parts, but you're never bored. Then when it's fast paced, you're gonna be on your seat yelling at people you've never actually met in real life to run for their fucking life. Tobe Hooper is a master of horror pace on his fucking SECOND movie. How impressive is that shit? Fucking impressive.

- Oddly erotic bizarre scenes. Shit that would not fly today. Hell, a lot of this movie just wouldn't fucking fly today. It'd be lambasted for its slow parts, and not see much money in the theaters, and be regarded as a failure, probably.

- People that look like actual people. All the supporting characters look like they exist. They look like people you've seen on the subway or at carnivals or whatever. Casting on this movie is fucking top notch.

- Actual weird shit. I love when horror movies stick actually weird real shit in them. You see some fucking freaks in this movie. Real deformed shit. It's a dope scene. I love shit like that.

- Great gore once it comes. So fucking memorable, too. This movie is so fucking cool, I swear to god.

- Little kid character isn't annoying, like in most movies with little kids in them.

- Creepy characters that aren't evil. I love when this happens in a horror movie. You're like 'who the fuck's gonna be the killer, when's this movie gonna pick up pace, i bet it's that guy' and it's never that guy. It's always another guy. I love creepy people just chilling in a horror movie.

- I could go on and on, just see this fucking movie. Any real horror fan who doesn't like this movie needs to drop the genre and start watching some other genre cause you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

What's Bad

Nothing, it's perfect. Fuck you.

What Did You Learn

- One of the weirdest, most awkward scenes ever in a horror movie has the capacity to turn me on. You'll know what scene I'm talking about, but I doubt you'll react how I did. It's not like I had a big fucking hard-on pointing skyward, it just turned me on slightly. Not visibly at all. Don't judge me.

- They don't make movies like this anymore. This movie could only exist when it came out.

- This movie needs to be fucking seen, I swear to god.

- Someone needs to start a horror movie tits screen cap website. If that already exists, I'll be so happy. I'm gonna google right after this.

What Else

See the movie. It's perfect, to me.

Movie Review: Child's Play 3

2008-10-08T20:33:00.005-04:00

Child's Play 3
Directed by Jack Bender
90 min.

What Am I Doing With This Movie
Recently this was played back to back with Child's Play 2 on Showtime HD, thanks to my favorite fat horror geek program director who every once in a while sneaks in gems (debatable) that have never before been seen in HD, and will likely never come out on Blu-ray. I know I say this a lot, but it bears repeating: Thank you, fat man. Yes, even for Child's Play 3, an undeniably shitty movie.

Why Does This Movie Suck So Many Cocks
As I said in my Child's Play 2 review, Chucky only works when Andy is a little kid, and the size of Chucky. In this one, Andy is fucking sixteen years old. How is Chucky scary if you're sixteen? Fucking punt him into a fire. The end.

Apparently the filmmakers realized this problem, and to compensate for the fact that any sixteen year old worth a damn could destroy Chucky before the opening credits finished rolling, they decided to write and cast the faggiest, weakest, pussiest fucking sixteen year old character ever. I swear to god this kid makes Jason Lively look like Dolph Lundgren.

I don't give a fuck, there's no way I'm buying Andy growing up to be a pussy. After his experiences, he should be a badass by sixteen. He'd totally fucking run away from an orphanage and grow into a tough motherfucking street kid fighting other street kids for food and shit. That's how you start the fucking movie, showing Andy at sixteen beating some other kid's face in for money, and loving every second of it. He's turned into a sadistic monster from fighting in the street half his damn life. Then later you have him stumble on a newspaper with an article about some kid having some experience with a Chucky doll like he had as a youth, and you have Andy travel to the kid's house, sneak in the attic, and start living there to protect the kid from the doll. He'll like befriend the kid, but the kid can't tell his parents, and the kid and Alex work together to fucking defeat Chucky. It'd be like Bad Ronald meets Hider in the House meets the previous Chucky movies. That's how you do a fucking third film. Obviously, the writer didn't think of that great concept though. He even admits he was out of ideas when he wrote Child's Play 3. It's really quite the piece of shit movie. Now let's break it down shit by shit.

What Cocks Does This Movie Suck
- Alright, so the plot is we have tofu-boned sixteen year old Andy joining a military academy, and Chucky mailing himself to the military academy to try THE EXACT SAME PLAN HE HAD IN CHILD'S PLAY 2 THAT DIDN'T WORK. Seriously, I don't mean 'oh, it coulda worked in Child's Play 2 but he got stopped before he could do it' I mean he ATTEMPTED THE VOODOO TO GET BACK INTO ANDY'S BODY BUT THE VOODOO SPELL DIDN'T WORK. THE PLAN WAS SHIT.

- This is also pretty much an incredibly formulaic teen military academy movie with Chucky stuck in. Most of the scenes involve the academy, and all the academy stereotypes interacting and doing shit. I have a hunch the writer just picked up a script that was bouncing around and stuck Chucky in it and some death scenes.

- The little black kid comic relief is annoying.

- Death scenes are fucking lame as hell.

I can't even talk about this shit anymore. There's a thin line between so bad it's good, and so bad it's bad. This is so bad it's bad. I LOVE so bad it's good. I'll watch a so bad it's good movie any day, but this just ain't it. This is an objectively shitty movie.

What Is Good In It If Anything
- The creepy ped barber is a nice touch. I love creepy ped characters in shit.

- Chucky's death is pretty cool, but not nearly as good as in the second or first movies.

That's all.

What Did I Learn From This Movie

- Chucky's a fucking idiot. Seriously, the SAME EXACT VOODOO PLAN THAT DIDN'T WORK.

- At military academy, you are allowed to fire a rifle with no training whatsoever.

- You can put a special paintball bullet into a regular gun to make the gun a paintball gun.

- Military academies have no guards whatsoever. You can seriously escape as easy as walking off campus to the amusement park 100 yards away.

- Black kids aren't scared of walking, talking dolls who curse and brandish knives like white kids are. Black kids will try to befriend them even.

- A ped barber can die and nobody gives a fuck or has a police investigation or whatever.

What Else

Don't see this fucking movie. It sucks cock. It only gets a star beacuse of the ped barber. I love creepy ped characters on the sidelines in movies. They always rule.

Movie Review: Child's Play 2

2008-10-02T02:46:00.004-04:00

Child's Play 2
Directed by John Lafia
84 min.

What Am I Doing With This Movie
Like with Halloween III: Season of the Witch, this is a movie a horror dork who works for Showtime HD programming selected just for insomniac horror dorks like me to see. Thank you for fighting the good fight, man-who-is-likely-fat. I appreciate what you sneak in every once in a while, and this is you greatest contribution of all: Child's Play 2 and 3 back to back in HD. I could kiss your chode of a penis out of a heterosexual respect, but I wont, because that was hyperbole.

Why Is Chucky So Dope
I'll tell you why; because Chucky is the only horror movie monster who you see all the damn time, is scary when he's not moving, and is downright funny and awesome when he is. You actually fucking root for him when he's moving. That shit is phenomenal. Find me another movie like that. You can't. Fuck off.

Why Aren't All The Chucky Movies Dope Then
Because the concept only really worked while Andy was a kid. Chucky is obviously meant to represent Andy's dark urges, and it just gets stupid if Andy isn't dealing with a monster roughly his size, as in Child's Play 3. In that one they made Andy sixteen, since even by horror movie standards, it just wouldn't be all that that believable or enjoyable to see a child get stalked by a doll every couple months. This choice to age Andy eight years killed the scare factor though. A sixteen-year-old could punt Chucky the fuck away. Even Don Mancini (who wrote all the Chucky films) admits that Child's Play 3 just plain doesn't work.

I'm not gonna talk about Bride of Chucky or Seed of Chucky here. Those are far shittier than Child's Play 3 for a far more fundamental reason: self-parody is fucking uninteresting.

What's Good
Well it's far from a great movie, but it's better than it ever needed to be. That goes a long way for me.

- There are a bunch of shots that are damn near great. One that sticks out in my mind in particular is when Andy enters his foster parents' house for the first time. We see him walk through the foyer and dining room in one static shot, only panning as he moves out of frame. It's eerie, the set direction is beautiful, and if you saw just that shot you'd think it was from a film far better than Child's Play 2.

- The animatronics are phenomenal. The subtle facial movements on Chucky are handled extremely well, and no movement feels cheesy. Everything in this respect is far better than the first movie.

- Jenny Agutter is gorgeous and I have a total crush on her. Even in this completely non-sexual role. The other actors are alright, too. They do their best with the material.

- The part where Chucky yells "FLOOR IT!" and the girl says "Yeah right, in this station wagon?" and Chucky replies with a disappointed "SHIT!" I ran that back like four times. Hilarious timing and delivery.

- The death after death after death of Chucky in the final act. They really wanted to top the previous film's iconic and gorgeous climax, and though they didn't, this climax is far more exciting to watch.

What's Bad
The story isn't as tight as the first one. The first one is very simple and plausible, with a fantastic climax. This one involved some blatant stretching in a lot of parts to make the plot work.

Pace is a bit off. Pace is a big dealbreaker for me. I should probably devote an entire post to what makes for good pace in films.

What Did I Learn From This Movie
- Cheesy 80's blue lightning, though a convincing sign of evil to the audience, is apparently an everyday occurrence to the head of a toy company, and no heed should be paid to such.

- Toy factory machines are as bright and colorful as the toys they produce!

- Newspaper truck drivers routinely leave the back of their truck open. One can only assume this is to air out newspapers, or encourage hop-ons.

- Liquor stores only accept cash, even when it matters not to the events in the story whether or not said character is able to purchase his liquor or not.

- Richard Kelly totally saw Child's Play 2 and cast Beth Grant for Donnie Darko off it.

- The only black person in the county drives the newspaper truck. Maybe that's why he leave's the back of his truck open. Cause fuck this town.

What Else
The first two Chucky films are classics. Third is inherently flawed, but not as bad as the two after. I'm sure younger generations will be easier on Bride and Seed, but for me they're like the Star Wars prequels in terribleness.

Oh, and check out Jenny Agutter in Logan's Run. If you don't fall in love with her in that, I don't care to know you.

Food Poisoning: Not a fan

2008-09-13T03:31:00.003-04:00

I'd like to go on the record here in saying that I am not a fan of food poisoning, neither the illness I am currently suffering from after eating oven pizza that I guess someone must've wiped their ass with, nor the method of murdering someone-- what with the black bottle with the skull on it, and the pouring of the bubbling green liquid into the food, and the cloud of devil steam from said contact of liquid to food.

Thank you.

Movie Review: Ken Park

2008-08-25T17:42:00.004-04:00

Ken Park
Directed by Larry Clark
96 min.

What Am I Doing With This Movie

That's a good question. I don't really care for Larry Clark or Harmony Korine's work. I haven't seen all of their films, but I was severely disappointed with Kids, Bully, and Gummo. I'd sworn off seeing anything else by them, but the controversy surrounding Ken Park intrigued me.

A brief recap of said controversy:

- According to Wikipedia, 'The movie was not shown in the United Kingdom after director Larry Clark punched and attempted to strangle Hamish McAlpine, the head of the UK distributor for the film, Metro Tartan. According to Clark, McAlpine expressed support for Hamas terrorist attacks against Israeli civilians, and, when an appalled Clark asked him about women and children victims of Hamas terrorism, McAlpine basically said that they deserved to die, at which point the altercation began. Clark was arrested and spent several hours in custody, and McAlpine was left with a broken nose.'
- It is banned in Australia for its sexual content.
- In New Zealand, it is only able to be viewed in film festivals or film courses, due to its R18 rating.
- Since its completion in 2002, the movie has not found a distributor in the U.S.

I wasn't gonna go out of my way and order some import DVD of this for $25 (after all, the odds were I'd hate it, given the filmmakers) but I figured if I ever came across a copy a friend had, I'd give it a shot to see what all the fuss over the content was about. After years and years, that happened.

What Did I Think

I wouldn't say it's a good movie per se, but there's some good stuff in it. Lemme get to the bad stuff first, though.

What's Bad

- Utilizes several pointless voice overs and title cards in the first 15 minutes, and again at the very end of the film. There's no reason for them to be there at all. Be a slice of life, movie. Don't try to be a visual novel. Harmony's writing is far too atrocious for the latter to ever be accomplished.

- Glaringly atrocious dialogue in several scenes. Borderline after school special. I don't care that some of the characters in this movie are based on real people from news stories, I assure you they didn't talk like that one bit. Feels like Harmony got really lazy writing a few scenes, and had nobody to tell him his shit stank.

- Several stupid character arcs, and useless scenes.

- Terrible cinematography. Far too many close ups. Zoom the fuck out and leave the camera be sometimes. Tell a story with the kind of shots you use and when, for chrissake.

What's Good

- Great acting performances all around.

- All sex and violence is handled remarkably tastefully.

What Is It Banned For Then

I have no fucking clue. People are retarded. I don't particularly care for Clark or Korine, but I don't think any of their movies deserve not to be seen. Especially not this one, which is the best thing I've seen of either of them. There are a lot good scenes in this, and I wish sex was handled this well in most movies with LESS graphic content. I don't feel any real need to see this movie straight through ever again, but particular scenes I would watch over.

I probably wouldn't watch another Harmony Korine movie, as the idea of him having full control over one of his scripts makes me cringe, but I will watch Larry Clark's other stuff. Could be good.

Movie Review: Halloween III: Season of the Witch

2008-08-03T22:35:00.005-04:00

Halloween III: Season of the Witch 
Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace
 96 min.

What Am I Doing With This Movie
I’m convinced some pretty cool, nerdy people work in programming at HD movie channels such as HBO, Showtime, Starz, etc., because every once in a while they sneak in horror gems such as this— and in the past, The Gate, Night of the Creeps, From Beyond— movies that studios will probably never see the use in releasing on Blu-Ray. Thank you, nerds. I know you’re out there, and I thank you for using your power for good.

What Dude I Heard This Movie Is God Awful
This is the movie nobody asked for— a Halloween sequel with no Michael Myers in it, or connection to him whatsoever. You see, after Halloween II, John Carpenter and Debra Hill decided fuck Michael Myers, he’s not that great a character in the first place, let’s just produce a movie a year in an ongoing Halloween series, where each year we’ll have another unique serial killer do something fucked up on Halloween night. It was a clever concept, but the cards were stacked against them from the start.

Since the movie-going public craved Michael Myers, this movie had to be better than or equal to the first Halloween movie for them to accept it. Such a feat would be near impossible without Carpenter or a similar established talent writing or directing. Their choice of Tommy Lee Wallace, who’s previous film experience was only in writing a mediocre sequel to The Amityville Horror, was pretty dumb.

As to be expected, this film was not better than Halloween. The mere fact that there was no Michael Myers made the movie seem all the worse to movie-goers, when in actuality, this is a pretty good, sparingly flawed horror movie that would probably have been received well if it wasn’t released as a Halloween sequel.

What’s Good
- The opening titles are phenomenal, and one of my favorites of all time:

(Youtube does not do them justice at all, they are incredibly vibrant and eerie in HD. The colors are a hell of a lot brighter, and the flashing at the end is intense. I’d suck a dick to see this in a movie theater.)

- Tom Atkins. I could watch this guy in anything. If you loved him in Night of the Creeps, here he is in a starring role (albeit a less over-the-top performance) but he kicks ass.

- The commercials in the movie for halloween masks are fantastic. The jingle is infectious. If they sound familiar, Richard Kelly used them in Donnie Darko.

- Good pace. Though this is a cheesy, stupid horror movie, I did find myself getting interested in the story, which is an impressive feat given how ludicrous the events in this movie are.

- The female lead is hot. She's like if you fused together that tough chick that was on a few seasons of Saved By The Bell and Shelley Duvall. She's not a good actress, but she's fun to look at.

- Unusual and, quite memorable gore. There aren't a lot of gory moments, but they're all pretty great.

What's Bad
Preposterous third act that took me out of the movie completely. While the actually ending is pretty good, the climax is atrocious. I mean, it's enjoyably bad in parts, but fuck, I'm talking plot holes galore, and absolutely no suspense to the climax. That's really the only thing that hurts this movie, which would probably be a 4 1/2 if it weren't for it. That other 1/2 unaccounted for would be how badly it starts after the pristine opening credits.

What I Learned Watching This Movie
- Just because a movie has 'witch' in the title doesn't mean there has to be a witch in it.

- Doctors don't really have to go to work per se. They can leave the hospital whenever they want, and for days at a time even.

- Robots bleed orange.

Possible Explanations For My Tiger Dream

2008-07-26T16:48:00.005-04:00

The following are possible explanations for my tiger dream. Keep in mind that these are only one man's opinion. If you are seeking the opinion of more than one man, or a different man, click here. (Ha! There are none.)

Also, if you have your own opinion on what my tiger dream means, please feel free to comment on this post. Only the best opinions will be accepted! If your opinion was of objectively low-quality you will not see your opinion appear on this website.

Theory Number One

I have a giant stuffed tiger. I've had it since I was 10 or so. My grandparents got it for me at a Christmas Tree Shops.

INTERJECTION #1

Have you ever noticed that Christmas Tree Shops is actually the name of the store, not the name of all their stores? If you look at their store it says Christmas Tree Shops on it. Not Christmas Tree Shop. The store is plural.

I make nothing up.

END OF INTERJECTION #1

I was so happy when I got the stuffed tiger. It's really quite giant. I'd always wanted a giant stuffed animal as a youth, like the ones at F.A.O. Schwartz.

INTERJECTION #2

When I was a child of like 6 or 7 I had an F.A.O. Schwartz shirt that said "F A O" on it. Have you ever noticed that the letter O is kinda shaped like the letter G? I was called a fag. I never wore the shirt again.

END OF INTERJECTION #2

Maybe the tiger in the dream represents my youth, and my inability to embrace it? Maybe I'm scared of being young? When I was young all I wanted to do was be older, and not have to go to school, or be around immature people that I didn't want to be around. Maybe this tiger running around in the meadow is my youth chasing me, dying for me to embrace it. Then when it bites me, I realize youth not so bad, and I have nothing to be afraid of.

Problems With This Theory

It's kinda flimsy. I've always despised entitlement, and the concept of grown-ups. I hate respecting elders. I respect people on an individual basis. Age tells you nothing about someone. Also, I have no problems with kid stuff. I saw Kung Fu Panda, and enjoyed myself. The only things I hated about my youth were the other kids that were dicks, and school. This theory doesn't really work.

Theory Number Two

Tiger represents the random, the chaotic; that which cannot be predicted. I'm a hypochondriac, and whenever I get sick I think I've caught some sort of disease. Maybe the dream was about me embracing the fact that in life, shit happens, there is as much chaos as there is order, and that's not a bad thing; it's just a thing, and I have nothing to be scared of. Then later, when I watch a nature documentary I realize that I'm not alone, that everyone is in the same boat when it comes to chaos. It affects and effects us all, and none of us are truly alone with tragedy.

Problems With This Theory

Not much. This theory kicks ass and could very well be the message of the dream. It makes more sense than the first theory.

Theory Number Three

Tiger is a giant, hungry vagina. My wrist is my penis. The movie is a porno.

Problems With This Theory

Everything.

Okay

Submit theories of your own. Even though I'm leaning towards Theory Number Two, I'm open to other thoughts. Also, feel free to presuppose shit about me. I don't care. Make it interesting. Interesting is cooler than fact.

To Be Continued...

I Had A Dream Last Night I Was Bit By A Tiger

2008-07-26T15:25:00.004-04:00

This is a tiger:

I had a dream last night I was bit by one.

! ! !

In my dream, I was in one of the meadows in Prospect Park. It was a sunny weekend day, and there were a lot of people around. I was with some friends but I don't remember who. You forget these kinds of things when you get bit by a tiger.

Suddenly people start screaming in the park. There's commotion afoot. I look around, and theres an orange thing running around and people in jumpsuits trying to wrangle it. It's running fast, and on all fours. It's a tiger.

People run and scream and dart every which way. The tiger is running in big spirals around the meadow. I don't know what to do or where to go. I feel like I'm stuck in the ocean and there's a crazy shark. Only it's not a crazy shark. It's a tiger.

The tiger is closer to me now and I'm running from it, but it can run faster than me and it always makes it to wherever in the meadow I run before me. It's not running after me per se, me and the tiger just want to be in the same place at the same time it seems. Anyway, now the tiger is like fifteen feet from me. It's close as shit. I back up slowly from it, and it darts at me. The people in jumpsuits can't do shit. I brace myself for the tiger coming at me and put my hands up. The tiger bites me in the wrist.

The tiger's mouth stays on my wrist, its teeth IN my wrist, for a long time. It hurts but it's not as bad as I thought it'd be. I thought my wrist would come the fuck off, but it doesn't. Also there's not really any blood. The tiger chews a bit on the wrist and then hurries off. Then the tiger comes back and does it again.

He bites my wrist again, same shit, not so bad, not that it doesn't hurt, it's just not so bad. Then the tiger runs off again and this time it's wrangled. I walk away holding my wrist, which is now bleeding slightly and swollen, and go to a movie. A movie about nature.

I'm in a movie theater with a tiger-bitten wrist watching a nature documentary when I wake up.

A FUCKING TIGER BIT ME

Movie Review: Over The Top

2008-07-20T19:16:00.005-04:00

Over The Top 
Directed by Menahem Golan
 93 min.

What Am I Doing With This Movie
I’m a Stallone fan. I think he’s a cool guy, and very good in interviews. The Q&A’s he’s done with Ain’t It Cool News are particularly great. I love or like all the Rambo and Rocky movies. Because people love ranking them, here’s my ranking:

- Rocky 
- Rocky III
 - Rocky II
 - Rocky V
 - Rocky IV

- Rambo
 - Rambo: First Blood Part II 
- First Blood
 - Rambo III

And just for fun, I’ll rank the other series people love to rank:

- Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
 - Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
 - Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith 
- Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi 
- Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
 - Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

And the other one:

- Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom 
- Raiders of the Lost Ark
 - Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
 - Being Stabbed In The Face
 - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

But back to Over The Top. Stallone + arm wrestling championship + my favorite episode of Dexter’s Laboratory parodying it to a certain extent = movie I need to see. I picked up for like $6 a while back, but never ended up watching it. I think I was working through The Wire at the time, and was too deeply engrossed in that.

What’s Good About It
- Great soundtrack, if you’re into that sorta thing. Will be excruciating for those who aren’t, but I love these kinds of 80’s soundtracks. I’m not even going to describe the soundtrack further than that, because it’ll take the fun out of hearing the first song in the movie.

- Even though this is a pretty formulaic father and son tale, there are a few twists and turns you don’t expect that make it stand out from others.

- The arm wrestling tournament is fun and exciting. I’m a sucker for tournaments in movies though, so I’m biased.

- Stallone is very good. He’s not playing a particularly deep character, but his performance really makes you feel like this guy has had a past where he’s been through some shit. The amount of his past that’s left to the imagination really puts you into the shoes of his son, making the emotional impact of this film a lot stronger.

- Really funny unintentional pedophilic undertones. Like the soundtrack, I don’t wanna ruin the moments for you, but you’ll know them when they arrive.

What’s It Lack
- The actor playing the kid isn’t that great, and the lines he’s given aren’t so hot either. It’s not distracting per se, it’s just noticeably weak.

- Some scenes toward the beginning involving the kid’s grandfather feel unnecessary and drag. Would have liked those scenes shortened, and more scenes of Stallone and the kid on the road.

What Did You Learn
- Stallone can be a good actor in things other than Rocky and Rambo. Previously, I’d only seen him in Cobra and Cliffhanger besides those, and both are pretty bad.

- The move “over the top” in arm wrestling. I can’t wait to try it out on people.

- Truckers sleep in the front seats, not on cots in the back of the truck. Weird. There’s so much space back there! Silly truckers.

What Else
If you’re in the mood for this kind of thing, you’ll enjoy yourself. I can’t see this movie exciting anyone who doesn’t already dig the premise, though.

Movie Review: Chocolate

2008-07-17T02:18:00.007-04:00

Chocolate
Directed by Prachya Pinkaew
110 min.

What Am I Doing With This Movie
I'm a big martial arts movie fan, and I've loved Pinkaew and Tony Jaa's output so far. When I saw the trailer for this online a while back, I couldn't wait to see it. This girl was being heralded as the female Tony Jaa, and her moves seemed top notch. Found out a few days ago that the thai DVD of this was out, ordered it on ebay, and it came today.

What Are You Not Doing With This Movie
Buy this movie if you love Tony Jaa. Buy this movie if you love martial arts. Buy this movie if you love martial arts without stunt doubles or CGI or wires. Buy this movie just cause. Fuck, it's good.

What's So Good About It
Great pace, concept, and execution. Phenomenal action sequences. These guys are really devoted to their craft, and they get hurt a lot too as a result. The credits are full of what injuries occurred. I also think this is probably the best movie since Kill Bill for girls. Girls need movies where girls kick ass. There are too many movies with girls in incredibly insulting roles where they don't get to do shit but stand there while other people kick ass.

What Are You A Feminist
I'm pro people kicking ass. I think if more people kicked some ass this world would be a better place. If I went out with a girl and she punched me in the face I'd marry her and kick her in the ribs. I'm not talking about angry or evil violence, I'm talking about what's good and healthy. We'd have stronger kids than you'd ever think possible. They'd change the world and fight crime. I'd fuck and fight my wife every night and make even more kids. They'd all grow up to be great people.

Movie Review: Out For Justice

2008-07-12T16:15:00.005-04:00

Out For Justice
Directed by John Flynn 
91 min.

What Am I Doing With This Movie
Steven Seagal rules, I don’t give a fuck. People say he’s washed up, his acting sucks, and he fights wooden, but those people haven’t seen him in his prime. He was once the fucking man. I’ve seen Above The Law, Hard To Kill, and Under Siege. According to Seagalogy, my new bible, this one’s even better than those, so I picked it up for three dollars on half.com a few weeks ago, and finally got a chance to watch it last night.

What Is This Amazing Movie Holy Fuck
This is not only his best movie, but it’s definitely one of my top three favorite action movies of all time. It’s unlike any other action movie I know, and it doesn’t miss a fucking beat. Not one scene in this entire movie drags. Damn near every other line is quotable. The action is fantastic. I want to watch this movie again right now.

What I Learned From This Movie
- If you use a weapon against Seagal, it will be used against you.
- A true man solves his problems not with the entire NYPD police force at his disposal, but with an unmarked car and a shotgun.
- If Seagal says he hopes to see you again, he will see you again, and he will hurt you.
- Dogs can be kept in locked cars all night and be fine, as long as you buy two bags of 'puppy dog food' and a six-pack of seltzer and leave them unopened next to it.

What Do You Mean There’s Gotta Be Some Stuff That Sucks About It
No, nothing. I’m fucking serious, this is a great movie. I laughed and cheered throughout and I wish I could see it on a big screen so fucking badly.

What Else
Nothing else. Go see this movie right fuck now, I don’t care who you are. Anyone who doesn’t like this movie is a shit head.

Movie Review: Cannibal The Musical

2008-07-12T01:05:00.005-04:00

Cannibal: The Musical 
Directed by Trey Parker
 96 min.

What Am I Doing With This Movie
I bought it for three dollars at a Gamestop back when Gamestop sold used DVD’s. Is that just a regional thing, or is that across the country? In NYC they don’t sell used DVD’s anymore. It’s a shame because you could always find cheap gems if you sifted through. Anyway, I just never ended up watching it.

What Am I Knowing About Said Movie Going In
Made in college by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Got picked up by Troma. Gory stuff. Musical stuff.

What I Am Knowing After Said Movie Finished
There are a lot of funny jokes in this, some gut-busting. There are jokes that miss too, and parts that drag, but it was made by students on their vacations. If this were a big production, I’d be harsher on it, but I know what it’s like to work with limitations, and I’ve seen a lot of student-made crap. This is definitely not student-made crap. You can tell by watching this movie that Trey Parker and Matt Stone were brilliant way before South Park, and naturals waiting for an audience to catch up with them.

What About The Gory Stuff
I’m fully desensitized to movie gore, so I’m a bad judge on what’s gory or not, but this is Monty Python type stuff to me. Fun stuff, not scary stuff.

What About The Musical Stuff
A few of them are phenomenal, a few are forgettable. The main one will be stuck in your head forever.

What Else
Don’t be discouraged just cause this is an uneven student film. There are some truly hilarious moments in here that can’t be missed, especially if you’re a fan of Trey and Matt’s other work. Remember, this isn’t a student film by your stoner friends at Brooklyn College shot on VHS-C, this is a student film by two guys who changed animated comedy forever.

Movie Review: Defending Your Life

2008-07-10T02:31:00.007-04:00

Defending Your LIfe 
Directed by Albert Brooks
 112 min.

(out of 5)

What Am I Doing With This Movie
It was on Universal HD and I DVR’d it. DVR’d movies will be getting reviews, too.

What I Know About Albert Brooks
Enough. More than skateboarding, at least. I’ve seen Lost In America (Great) The Muse (Good, underrated) Looking For Comedy in the Muslim World (Borderline passable) and I generally like his vibe.

What Is This Stuff Coming Out Of My Eyes
This movie made me cry.

What
Yes, and I don’t cry from movies often. The only movies I’ve cried during are Fall, The Brown Bunny, and 3-Iron. Never as hard as during this movie though.

What Is It That Has Caused The Eye Leak
I just got out of a relationship, and though it ended amicably and we’re still great friends, there was a lot of tragedy to it. Certain things in this movie paralleled what I'd went through, and thus struck a chord. Not even a dinky three-note power chord, I mean a fucking barred F right across the first fret; heavy and painful to the un-callused.

What About The Rest Of The Movie
It’s a very good movie. Only drags in a few spots (both during two early trial scenes) so I can’t give it the full five stars, but otherwise it’s pitch-perfect. Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep have a phenomenal chemistry.

What Are You Gonna Do Now
Continue with my life.

What You’re Not Gonna Go Keep Crying
Fuck you.

What Else Do You Have To Say For Yourself
I did my best. She did her best. We made the right decision for both of us.

What Else About The Movie I Mean Like Fun Facts Or Whatever
I dunno, Rip Torn is in it?

What I Could Have Learned That On IMDB In My Sleep
How about that Albert Brooks was born Albert Einstein?

What Dude That Is Like Seriously On Albert Brooks' IMDB
Leave me alone. I need tissues.

Movie Review: Fruit of the Vine

2008-07-09T19:12:00.004-04:00

Fruit of the Vine 
A Super 8 Film by Coam Nichols & Rick Charmoski 
Approx. 50 Min.

(out of 5)

What Am I Doing With This Movie
I did a favor for a friend who had a film released by Plexifilm, so he gave me a few Plexifilm DVD’s to repay me, and this was one of them.

What I Know About Skating
I don’t know very much about skating. Most of what I do know about it, I learned from the first few Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater games— which is to say I know names of tricks and well-known skaters, as well as what they’d look like rendered in polygons. Everything else I know is pretty much common knowledge: Tony Hawk did a ‘900’, Stacy Peralta discovered some skaters in ‘Dogtown’, the black stuff is called grip tape, etc. Now you know where I’m coming from.

What I Learned From This Movie
There are a lot of abandoned or unkempt pools in southern California in poor neighborhoods that used to be white middle class neighborhoods. Skaters sneak onto these properties, clean up the pools, and skate in them. Sometimes they don’t get caught, sometimes the owners or police get angry at the skaters, and a few times the owners are cool with them skating in the pool, because they’re polite and clean up the pool.

What’s Cool About This Movie
There’s a lot of good Super 8 footage of pool skating, and it’s a decent slice of life.

What This Movie Lacks
It’d be nice to know more about the dudes you’re watching skating, but you learn basically nothing about them. Also, it drags in parts, and could have been fleshed out a bit more. I’m assuming they were just doing what they could with the footage they had, but the pace is off. Feels unfinished. I don’t really feel any pull to watch it ever again, and if I did, I’d probably just put it on for vibe.

What Else
The catalog number is 002, so I’m assuming this is the second Plexifilm release.
They use the font Impact a lot in this movie.
Watching a skater skate a fish pond is funny.

Movies I Own But Haven't Watched Yet

2008-07-09T04:49:00.009-04:00

The following are all movies I own, but haven't watched yet. This is usually due to:
1) Finding a particular DVD extremely cheap, knowing I'll probably like it, and purchasing it.
2) DVD's that were gifts from other people, and have put off watching just cause I forget about them.

The list my seem like a lot, but I own five or six times the amount I haven't seen. Still, I don't like that there are all these movies in my house waiting to be watched, so I'm gonna start working my way through them, and as I do, reviewing them on here.

Here's the list:
(As I watch these, I'll mark them by crossing them out)

Action
A Fistful of Dollars 
Death Race 2000 
Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry 
Duck, You Sucker
 Fire Down Below 
For A Few Dollars More 
The Glimmer Man 
The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly 
~~Out For Justice~~ 
~~Over The Top~~

Anime
Akira 
 Bottle Fairy 
Captain Herlock
 Fighting Spirit 
Human Crossing 
Lupin The Third 
Master Keaton 
Paranoia Agent 
Samurai Champloo 
Sherlock Hound

Comedy
Being There 
~~Cannibal The Musical~~ 
The Film Crew: Wild Women of Wongo
 Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead

Documentary
~~Fruit of the Vine~~ 
Wise Old Little Boy

Drama
 Interiors 
Ladyhawke
 Possession
 September 

Foreign
Aguirre, The Wrath of God 
The Castle
 A Chinese Odyssey: Part One 
A Chinese Odyssey: Part Two 
Christo & Jeanne-Claude: Christo in Paris
 Christo & Jeanne-Claude: Islands 
Christo & Jeanne-Claude: Running Fence 
Christo & Jeanne-Claude: Umbrellas 
Cobra Verde 
Code Unknown
 Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge 
The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser 
Even Dwarfs Started Small 
Fata Morgana
 Fight Back To School 2 
Fight Back To School 3 
Fist of Fury 1991 
Fitzcarraldo 
Hard Boiled
 The Killer 
Lawyer Lawyer 
Legend of the Black Scorpion 
Lessons of Darkness
 Little Dieter Needs To Fly 
The Lucky Guy 
My Best Fiend 
My Hero 
Nosferatu: Phantom Der Nacht
 The Piano Teacher 
Return of the Sister Street Fighter
 Romper Stomper 
Royal Tramp 1
 Royal Tramp 2 
Sister Street Fighter: Fifth Level Fist 
Sister Street Fighter: Hanging By A Thread 
Sixty Million Dollar Man
 Stroszek 
Tricky Master 
Woyczek

Horror
Ghost Chase
 Jack Frost 
Night of the Comet
 Puppet Master 3-8 
Slime City 
Song of the South

Sci-Fi
Alien Nation 
Captain America 
Fantastic Four (Original)
 Stargate

TV Series
Adventures of Brisco County Jr. 
Alien Nation 
Angel
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Doctor Who: Tomb of the Cybermen 
Doctor Who: Green Death 
Doctor Who: Androids of Tara 
Doctor Who: Power of Kroll 
Doctor Who: Armageddon Factor
 Doogie Howser M.D.
Joe 90
 Kids of Degrassi Street 
Kung Fu 
The Prisoner
Rocky & Bullwinkle
The Secret Service
Terrahawks 
Time Slip 
Ultraman

A Bye in the Park: Summer 2006

2007-10-23T03:41:00.001-04:00

The rain is frightening
 And the park is bare

My canvas shoes
 Are gonna need the dry cleaner
 I say

You’re the one
 Who wanted to see me
 She says

Right
 I step closer

She steps closer

So this is it
 I say

What do you mean

I mean you’re leaving

So

So this is big
 I kick some bark and hug her

She puts her head on my shoulder

You talk so tough
 I say
 But you’re always so soft in my arms

What do you want me to do

Nothing
 I kiss her

We kiss for a while
 And then I feel the need to cry

What
 She says

I put my head on her shoulder and begin

She holds me tight

We never had a chance
 I say

I know
 She says

To start anything real
 Or normal

It’s not that far though

Yeah well

We can still have sex on holidays

I dry my eyes
 Let’s go

We leave that part
 And walk until there’s a pretzel guy
 And I buy her one

Thanks
 She says

I take a piece of it
 Goodbye
 I chew it and turn

Goodbye
 She says
 With her mouth full

Salisbury, England: Summer 2005

2007-10-23T03:08:00.001-04:00

Ugh
 A nice day-long hunger
 Weakening me

Mmm
 I can taste it
 It tastes like my breath

Sniff
 My sheets for tonight
 Thank you Hostel

Exhale
 This guy underneath me snoring
 Like it’s the right thing to do
 Like he’s helping the room of eight

Another sniff
 These sheets smell
 Like so many people

Oh
 What it’ll be like to eat a meal tomorrow
 After none today

More snoring
 Fine be my clock or something

Bright light
 I actually fell asleep
 God is a nice person

Five Thirty
 You’ve got to be kidding
 All these people are getting up

Five Forty Five
 I’ll take a shower
 Then sip tea and play solitaire
 Until the girlfriend comes down

Stir
 I wonder if the women’s dorm was quieter

 Shuffle
 This game is inherently flawed

Smile
 There she is
 She looks so good

Blah
 Blah blah baby blah
 Blah baby blah

Gasp
 Doors to the food are open
 Fucking finally

Sniff
 Barely any of this is vegan
 But I am starving

Grab
 The stuff that isn’t meat

Eat
 Eat eat eat eat
 Eat eat eat eat

Baby
 Let’s go to the bank
 And then get some Subway
 She says

Yes
 Fucking yes
 I say

I
 Love you
 She says

I
 Love you too
 I say

Sick: Autumn 2007

2007-10-22T17:44:00.001-04:00

Just let me in, Darling

Let me be me
 Let me treat you
 How I see you, Baby

That thing that I’ve got
 Couldn’t possibly
 Penetrate you, Sweetness

But it did and I don’t
 Understand anything, Lovely

And now that we’re equal
 I can do anything, Honey

So let’s go, Pretty

Let’s get out of here
 Pretty soon, Gorgeous

We can start over
 When we’re gone, Beauty

And it was going to happen anyway, Heaven

Another Night: Autumn 2007

2007-10-09T04:40:00.001-04:00

Don’t wake me
 I scrawl onto printer paper
 And affix to my door
 With a scrap of clear tape
 From the side of a box

Shutting my computer down
 I sigh and rub my face circularly
 As I think of you
 Enjoying your 2 AM
 In fucking California

Brooklyn birds wake happily
 I shut my windows tight
 Blast the big AC
 Creating a fat noise
 So I can sleep nice

A dream comes quickly
 I’m watching TV in it
 New episode of Lost
 Better than I could write
 Had I been awake

At noon I get up to pee
 I do so with shut eyes
 Come back to bed
 Pet the cat now in it
 And sleep close to her fur

At 2PM
 I’m ready for a day
 Spend it great
 Better half with art
 Later half with you
 Writing wirelessly

Vacation: Summer 2007

2007-10-08T04:06:00.001-04:00

It’s earlier than you’d ever believe I’d be up
 And everything is spinning as slow as possible
 As I chew yogurt and granola
 And listen to the Andrews Sisters
 On the car’s radio

Not sleeping makes me feel the world
 And I could cry at the drop of anything
 I feel weak and I crave a guitar
 And the sun to go down
 My own bedding

PAX TV back at the hotel
 And I’m bawling
 As Tony Danza builds an ark
 And I struggle to sleep
 Wake up stoic

Another day of vacation
 And another without you
 Or the reason why I was born
 And swimming is fun and all
 But I miss calluses

Selfless: Autumn 2007

2007-09-24T04:12:00.001-04:00

Oh to have you
 Hold your hand
 Really hold it
 Inside and out
 Guide you up
 Build your head
 Take your turns
 Like my own
 Kiss your face
 Feel my love
 Quiet rocking
 As I fuck you
 Out of life

The Quagmire: Autumn 2007

2007-09-24T02:45:00.001-04:00

I wake well into the day
 To the groan
 Of your car’s withdrawal

Smokey steam
 Fills the room
 From your recent shower

Your lipstick like
 Bullet shells
 On the Motel floor

A white sleep shirt
 Droops off the TV
 The war is over

Irish Marriage (Italics by Nadia)

2007-09-06T02:49:00.001-04:00

Irish Marriage (Italics by Nadia)

Maybe when we were married in Ireland I was always happy
in the sun lying in the greenest grass you've ever seen
and having kids
while our kids danced a jig
beautiful kids
and we wore giant sweaters
and your beautiful big belly
made of the wool
your big pregnant belly
from our sheep
kissing your belly
and our faces aching every night
before we went to sleep
your protruding belly button
because we smiled too much
during the day
your big fucking milk breasts
and the lake and the swans
and our fireplace
and your smile of accomplishment
after each day
and your homeschooling
in the school house behind the house
where you shear sheep when the season came
and all our children have traditional gaelic names
and the garlic in the food
and the potatoes
and your big milk breasts
and your big fertile cock

Girl in my bed: Autumn 2005

2007-09-05T23:37:00.001-04:00

Girl in my bed

This girl in my bed
Wears smiles proudly
Doesn’t try them on first
Or see what they’d go best with
She has the strength not to cry
When she sees my harpoon wounds
Tells me I’ll be okay
As she holds my hand tightly
I believe in her words
As I believe in cold oceans
And when her whole body moans
I know I’ll get better